One Week In

Last week I wrote a very open and somewhat difficult blog about a transition I'm making in my life. First off, let me say that the response I received was incredibly positive. I got numerous comments on my Facebook page when I posted the blog link, along with private messages from those who have gone through similar times who were excited for and proud of me. So thank you. It truly means a lot.  What a great way to start this off. While this journey is focused on this decision to work and focus on myself, no person is an island, and support during these times is a key element.

As promised, I am keeping people updated during this process via my blog, and thought I'd "check in" after my first week or so. Upon reading my last blog, someone asked me what my first step was, and that's an excellent question. Besides the obvious answer of deciding to do this, my first step is to start to adjust my thinking. Actually, before I can even do that, I have to know what thinking to adjust. On closer observation throughout this past week, I caught causing my own stress, in a variety of ways, numerous times. Whether it was doing something for someone else at the expense of myself, letting my brain get ahead of me and extrapolating a long list of difficulties that hadn't happened yet, or just not taking a step back and taking a deep breath, I was amazed at how aware one can become of their actions if they only look for them. I was further amazed at the number of times that the cause of the stress was me, and how much I could help myself if I just focused on these more closely. As the old adage goes, though, easier said than done.

I do want to be clear on one point before I continue: I'm in no way saying that I was exaggerating things that weren't actual concerns. I've had a lot of major personal blows in the past few years and I certainly have had every right to be upset, frustrated, stressed out, hurt, you name it. However, in paying attention to myself, I realized that some of my reactions to these did more harm than good, and that in dealing with the situations, I was hurting myself further. I can't necessarily help it if others hurt me (other addressing it with the persons involved to prevent it from happening again). I can, though, not make it tougher on myself.

With that out of the way, I'll continue. I've realized that observing myself in this way could take a few weeks. It's one thing to notice an action or thought in a particular instance - that's a great start. But building the capacity to catch oneself regularly and make adjustments, until you notice those actions occurring less and less, is quite a process. Furthermore, making these changes in a wide variety of situations - good moods, bad moods, at home, away from home, alone, in the company of others, and so on adds to the complexity. I'm considering documenting the actions I notice to see what trends I find, so that I can break down the various actions and situations. They say it takes six weeks to form a habit, and I'd say that's probably right. For someone with a lot of energy and little ability to wait like me, this practice of patience could be  the most troublesome part of the task.  I'm hoping to resurrect my meditation and yoga practices (or at least one of the two at the moment) to assist with this patience issue. My inability to have patience comes from, I believe, my need to feel I am always moving forward in a process. Even if it's just one tiny baby step a day, this forward progress gives me the motivation to keep moving and the confidence that I'm on the right track. Does anyone have any tool for working on patience or lack thereof? I'd love to hear it!

Now for something slightly unrelated but not completely, I leave for Peru Wednesday (the 29th). It's a combination of business and pleasure, and it certainly fills the "do something for yourself" requisite. I'm incredibly excited. Travel virtually always helps me reflect, clear my mind, and just have fun, and I think this trip will be great for that. If I don't get to post while I'm away, I'll update when I return. Until then, thanks for reading and I look forward to your thoughts! 

Break It Down

Sometimes when life gives you lemons you make lemonade. Sometimes you take the lemon and throw it at the head of someone upsetting your life (kidding, I hope). Sometimes, you need a totally different approach all together because neither putting on the rose colored glasses or taking out your aggressions on someone will work. At least not in the long run.

2012 hasn't been kind to me, despite my super positive predictions for it. I was ready to take it on, excited about the prospects. Suffice it to say, those prospects didn't go as I thought they might.  In fact, that's an incredible understatement. Basically, 2012 has more or less kicked me in the ass.

So what to do when that happens? Well here are some options: mope and whine (I've done my fair share of this to my best friends, I'll admit); get super pumped up that you're going to change the world but get knocked down with the next difficult thing because in actuality you have no idea what to do (the constant self-improver of me tends to do this); or you can break it all down, and build it all back up. With the help of someone trusted, I'm doing just this. And you know what the really startling part is ... guess who I'm doing this for? Me! (gasp). I have a major issue with people's selfishness - as in I don't understand it at all. I bend over backwards to make other people happy, forgive their mistakes, take care of them. So much so that I could probably be in the circus for all of my flexibility. It often is a detriment to myself and to others, who don't learn to take responsibility for their actions because I always try to make it ok. This time, though, I'm doing this for me.

The honest truth is that it's downright scary. It is causing me to face my worst fears. It's causing me to be very honest about myself. Here's the trickiest part of all: it's forcing me to understand and accept that  when things go wrong it's not always my fault. You see, it's easy when everything is your fault - it gives you control to make everything better, fix everything, constantly work on a situation - often to no avail. It causes a tremendous amount of pressure to be perfect, but it gives you the feeling of control. For a control freak and perfectionist like me, this is perfect! Right? Here's the kicker - it's not really control, it's just helplessly trying to control things that you can't, and it results in a vicious cycle of frustration and negativity for you and others. When you fully understand that it's not all your fault, it's damn frightening. Because if you can't fix everything who can? The jaw dropping and admittedly terrifying answer is "no one".  Oh my gosh, I don't have all the control! What do you mean? Yep, that's how it goes.

There are, without a doubt, going to be rough times throughout this process. Mainly because I'm completely breaking down so many of the thoughts that I "knew".  It's a day by day, step by step process. I've truly never just focused on me, at least not for any length of time, and I think that will be my toughest challenge. It feels terribly selfish and I hate selfish, almost above anything else. I have to remember that what comes out on the other side of this process, hopefully, is not only better for me, but for those in my life. In that sense, it's not selfish at all. It's making a better me, and creating better relationships with those in my life.

Has anyone else gone through this type of process?  Anyone else going through this right now? I'd love to hear from you. I'd love to share stories and draw from each others' energy and strength. I plan to keep people posted via my blog (and in private for those that have more personal questions or don't want to discuss in public, which I completely understand). I've always been open about my life, my triumphs and my struggles. If people judge me because of my "issues", they're not the type of people I want in my life. Period. If I can inspire and help someone even the tiniest bit with my journey, fantastic! 

Why Elephants?

Someone recently asked me why I liked elephants. I don't remember the exact reply, but I believe I'd had too much coffee (or perhaps too little) and didn't actually give a very clear or intelligible answer. So many people inquire about my love of elephants that I thought it warranted an explanation in the form of a short blog. So, here you go. 

Bronson, my adopted pygmy elephant from Borneo.
(Photo courtesy of WWF)

As most people know, I love animals in general. I don't eat meat - or seafood, poultry or pork -  I don't wear leather or suede, I donate $1 to homeless animals every time I shop at Petsmart. So the fact that I'm so attached to an animal species should not come as a huge surprise to anyone.

Elephants have so much going for them. First off, they're also vegetarians. So they get big points there. Secondly, they have so much history. Their earlier relatives lived hundreds of thousands of years ago (or there abouts, I'm not writing a historical piece here). They've evolved a bit, but you have to admit, they do still look somewhat pre-historic. They have strong family values. Families travel together, and they rarely let anyone wander off on their own. They've been known to stay back to help an injured family member, all risking their lives to not let one of their own be left behind. If a mother dies, the others in the family take her young under their wing. I mean, these family values aren't even common in some humans, let alone other animals. Then you have their abilities.  For big guys and girls, they can move pretty fast. They're very smart; you know the phrase "memory of an elephant?" There's a reason for that.

Elephant back safari, Zimbabwe
(Photo by Michael Northen)

I've watched elephants roll in the mud and play on the banks on the Chobe River. I've seen them bathe in the river, utilizing their trunks as a large hose. I've had a stand off (in a jeep, with a guide, thank goodness) with a large male elephant. He won. We respected the species all the more for it. I've ridden on the back of an elephant through the river valleys in Zimbabwe. I've fed them food out of my hand. They're truly incredible creatures. They're generally peaceful but willing to defend what's theirs, or what they want to be theirs. They can be graceful, gentle, playful, loving, committed to their families. If you've interacted with them like I have, I can't imagine that you'd not only love them, but have a tremendous respect for these giant, intelligent creatures.

Jeep safari standoff with an elephant. No zoom used.
(Photo by Michael Northen)

Elephant bathing in the Chobe River.
(Photo by Michael Norhten)

New Year's Non-Resolutions

I don't make New Year's Resolutions. Why? Because I am willing to bet that 90% of the 'I'm finally going to lose weight and get in shape" worker-outers who flock to the gym January 2nd will be greatly less enthusiastic by February 2nd. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that people want to lose weigh, get in shape, eat healthy, fill in your resolution here. But I don't make New Year's Resolutions for one simple reason - I won't keep them. I know this before I make them. I haven't kept them in 32 years, why would that change now? (minus some life altering news or something that would inspire change regardless of the time of year.)

I'm a business owner, a planner, an organizer, a life long self-improvement junky; I was a psychology minor in college. I'm constantly trying to improve and grow, year round. Suddenly deciding on the last day of the year that next year is going to be the year for x, y, z gives me a ton of motivation.... for about a week, maybe two. I'd venture to guess that's the same with many resolutioners. After all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, right? Here's why: life happens. It gets "in the way". Maybe you get sick and physically cannot go to the gym. Maybe your finances change and you can't take that trip, start that project, take that new position that you planned on. It's understandable and it's the reason I don't make resolutions.

Instead, I'm much more boring. I make goals. I write them down, the good old pencil and paper/sticky note way. (I'm also a list-making junky).  I break them down into smaller steps. I make sure to add a place to check off when I've completed each step. Doesn't it feel good to cross things off your list?

Then I tell someone, several people, anyone that will listen. Why? Because then others hold you accountable. When you swear to 10 different people that you're going to go to the gym and run on the treadmill 3 days a week for the next 6 months, it's a lot tougher to face them with excuses (this was not, by the way, my goal; it's just a classic example). It sounds silly, but it's true. Important, here, is that I tell the right people - those that I know will actually ask me about my goals and not let me make excuses, at least not many. I figure at least one of them has to call me out on it!

I make a spectrum of goals. I know everyone these days seems to be into "living in the moment", "going with the flow". That's all well and good with smaller, day to day things, but with more important issues it begs the question: where do I want to go/be/do? If I have no intermediate and long-range goals, the minute my "in the moment" plan gets a kink in it, I don't know what to do. And by "I", I mean me, you, humans (and possibly other intelligent living beings) in general. Try telling your boss you didn't get the project done because you were going with the flow and the flow was all going to happy hour. How'd that go over?  You have to have long range goals, because you may need to adjust the smaller ones in order to get you where you want to go when life happens.

I put a date next to each step, and the ultimate goal. Furthermore, I tell people this date - once again, accountability. Then, I treat this date like a deadline from a boss, a homework assignment, the TV program I absolutely couldn't miss for anything (for the record, I have none of these), whatever will motivate me not to ignore it. Then, I go ahead and do what I need to do to make those deadlines.

Finally, I make sure I'm serious about my goals and that there aren't too many of them. Not everything is a goal. "I want to get a new pair of red heels" is not a goal - it's a shopping list item, or maybe a gift list item. But it's not a goal. Otherwise, the importance of goals gets diluted, which is often when makes it feel ok to make excuses.

So, all this said, what are my goals for this year?  Well, I said I tell people, so here I go:

1. I've created a workout plan for myself, with a tracking sheet to check off my workouts and make myself stick to the plan/goal. I'm happy to show it to you if you'd like to see. Ultimately, I want to ride and complete the MS 150 bike ride this fall, and just get back into my overall health pattern.

2. I want to get back into yoga and meditation at least twice a week. These are also included on the tracking sheet above.

3. I am going to focus on the social media and blogging end of my business much more. I've got details written down on this. They're more specific but too long to write here, but they're recorded.

4. I'm going to spend more time with my friends. I've been a bit of a loner the last few months.

5. Well, this one I can't tell you, but I promise you that several people know. :-)

So there you have it. My New Year's Non-Resolutions. What are yours? How are you doing with them?

Throwing Away Your Mental (And Emotional) Blocks

In gymnastics our coach made us do a seemingly silly yet actually quite effective activity called "throwing away your mental blocks".  When we were scared of doing a skill - for either a plausible reason or no real reason that we could recognize - we called it a mental block. For whatever reason, something in our brain was preventing us from trying the skill. I didn't have this often, because I approach gymnastics with the same way I seem to approach life in in general - with reckless abandon - but when I did I found it very effective, and I saw it work for my teammates as well.

Our coach would give us a plastic block, the kind that you'd find in a kids toy set. He'd tell us to name the block for our fear. Then he'd have us ceremoniously throw the block backwards over our shoulder  and walk away from it, never to look at it again. We'd literally thrown away our mental block and the rest of the team was there to witness it for moral support.

While we laughed at the activity, it makes sense if you think about it.  Ever had a moment when you just completely got rid of a barrier that had been holding you back, even if you didn't know it? You make one step and suddenly you feel a flood of relief, energy or peace? I have watched friends who have lost a lot of weight do a very cleansing clearing out of their closets, tossing out (donating) all of the clothes that they wore at their bigger size. They told me it felt amazing afterwards. In a sense, they were banishing the part of their "old selves" that they'd had a negative feeling about.  Others have felt something similar walking out of the office for the last time at a job that they hated.

As we ring in the new year, it's the perfect opportunity to toss out the mental and emotional blocks from the last year (or years) that have been holding us down and building up walls around us. The new year is a fresh start. A time to leave the negativities of the past where they belong - in the past. So my challenge, to myself and everyone else, is to pick an item that represents your tie to to a difficult part of your past. Either aloud or to yourself (I find aloud to be more effective) say exactly what that item represents. Then take one last look at it, toss it over your shoulder and walk away. Make sure it can't come back to haunt you. This might require you putting it in the trash, shredding it, donating it (as in the clothing example above) or some other way of getting rid of it.

I should make an obvious yet obligatory note here, make sure the item is yours (I do not want to start law suits) and make sure it's something inanimate! Donating the cat of a neighbor you hate to the local animal shelter would NOT be a good idea.

I hope this helps you ring in the new year fresh. I'd love to hear what you tossed, either in the comments or privately if it's of a super personal nature.

Good luck, happy holidays and happy new year!

The Almost Mandatory Thanksgiving Blog

I'm pretty sure this type of post is virtually mandatory for any blogger, but here it goes. Short and sweet (I know, astonishing) but to the point. Things I'm thankful for in 2011. In no particular order, other than the first two:

1. Family
2. Cinn
3. Childhood friends that have come back into my life such that I'm now not sure how they were ever were out of it.
4. Those that realize my true potential, and aren't afraid to tell me or others how great and impressive they think I am. Those that are willing to fight with me, or for me.
5. Modern science's ability to create medication. Those that know me well enough understand this.
6. My twitter travel family. Seriously - they're there for me more than most people I knew IRL, and some have now become IRL friends and even mentors.
7. My two best friends who basically are family. You know who you are, I hope. If you don't, here's a hint: COx2.
8. The fact that I finally realize my full potential even when others don't, and that I am finally willing to fight for it.
9. The fact that the idea of picking up and changing almost everything in my life only slightly frightens me instead of completely terrifies. The probability of this action item still remains the be seen, though I'll hopefully make this decision in the next couple of months.
10. My only slightly faltering belief in Karma. The fact that after all the sh*t I've been through, I still try so hard to believe I'll get what I deserve eventually, and that I still believe that if I make others a very high priority, that this will some day come back to me. Though, I'd happily give karma a little nudge in the right direction.

There are smaller things I could add, but I like round numbers and 10 is among the best of those. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! What are you thankful for?

PS those of you that are on this list (you should know it), mind if I put a picture of you in here to spice it up? Don't like to add pics without permission. 

The Art of Healing

Like a lot of folks, my sinuses and allergies have been hit hard by the change of seasons. I feel like I have been battling a cold/infection/allergies or most likely some combination of the these for the past three weeks.  Undoubtedly, when I mention that I'm not feeling great, someone says something about chicken soup (they clearly don't know me too well), Vitamin C or any other number of remedies that supposedly help aid those under the weather. 

I have to be honest - none of these seem to work. I don't really like soup in general (even the vegetarian variety), and I take vitamins every day anyways. I do find, though, that certain things almost always seem to make me feel better, even if only for a few minutes here and there. 

• A good laugh: there are certain people that almost never fail to make me laugh, and if I'm feeling up to conversation, I chat with them (online or text - the phone is my nemesis when I don't feel well). There are a handful of people I'm especially close to that will lift my spirits. As a poor substitute, if none of them are available I read damnyouautocorrect.com.  I'm serious. It's hysterical, as long as you don't mind a little "not safe for work" humor and aren't easily offended. If you are, stay off the site. If you aren't, I highly suggest it for a good laugh. 

• Cinn: yes, my adorable, plump, sweet Cinn always makes me smile. She's a great snuggler and seems to know when her mom isn't feeling well. She gives me those sad eyes that say "I'm sorry you're sick" and offers me the doggy version of a hug (you know, with her forehead and nose nuzzled against me). 

          

• Bronson: my newest addition to this list. If you don't know who Bronson is, he's the pygmy elephant from Borneo that was adopted for me for my birthday. His picture sits on the window sill with my other elephant things. He's adorable, and knowing that the adoption in my name helped save him is amazing. I just look at his picture and I smile. I wish I could snuggle him too.

• Fresh flowers: I try to always keep fresh flowers in my apartment. It's currently an orchid, which sits in the window alongside my meditation candle. Other times I have fresh lilies. The colors, the smell and just the beauty of these makes me smile. 

• Coffee: Yes, coffee. I love it - the smell, the taste, the sound of it brewing.  There's something about sipping it slowly and enjoying the taste that's almost meditative for me. I know this sounds weird, it's hard to explain. It's my happy place and it cheers me up. If I've already had to much, decaf will suffice. I enjoy it that much. 

 *Note: I didn't have an actual picture of coffee (go figure), but I put this picture of my sister and I in here because we actually stopped drinking coffee to take this picture (seriously, we're at a hotel having breakfast). If you haven't known me for too long, this is what I look like with long hair.... 

• Music: I love music, and I love to dance and sing. I have to be really sick to not want to listen to music and sing along, or even dance a little. I mean really sick. It always peps me up. 

• Baked goods: I know this is an odd one, but baked goods are among my favorite foods. They're delicious, they are usually easy to eat so even if you have a sore throat you can manage them and to me, they're comfort food. Thank goodness for the cafe that's within a half block from my apartment. 

• Cheesy movies: Yes, I turn on the hallmark channel and watch silly, sappy movies when I'm not feeling well. What can I say? There's no plausible explanation for this - and luckily no picture to document it.

I'm sure there are more. These are the top contenders. What are your favorites? What makes you feel good no matter how bad you're feeling?  I'm curious to see how many we have in common, and how many you think are absolutely ridiculous. To all my fellow sinus/allergy sufferers - feel better soon! And in the mean time, eat some baked goods while hugging your dog and watching cheesy movies.