How You Feel...

.... Is never somebody else's fault. To be clear, I'm talking about how you feel emotionally, mentally. Physically is different. If someone hauls off and slugs you, obviously the resulting pain is their fault. When it comes to emotions, however, it's a different story.

I know, it sounds cliche. I always felt that way too. It took me a long time to actually understand this concept. I was having a great chat with one of my closest friends the other day and it suddenly it clicked. I will say I'm by no means perfect at this (who is) but when I think about my emotions and reactions in these terms, it makes a big difference. Let me explain a bit further. 

I went through a bit of a rough patch for about a month and a half this summer. I was been, for whatever reason, dealing with a lot of anxieties from some situations in my past. At first, I was very discouraged because I just thought it was my mood cycles rearing their ugly head and that there was nothing I could do about it. But then, in giving it some thought, I recognized that this interpretation wasn't entirely accurate. In fact, there is plenty that I could do about it, if I can just remind myself what's actually occurring when I feel this way.

It goes like this: something triggers a negative emotion - it could be anxiety, panic, fear, anger. That initial reaction is almost instinctual. You go into fight of flight mode and feel the need to instantaneously act on your emotion. But after this initial reaction  - it's documented that initial anger lasts 90 seconds, for instance - you have a choice. Yes, initially there is a physical reaction. It's not that your brain is just playing tricks on you. The chemistry in your brain, and therefore your body, temporarily adjusts. However, it's not a permanent adjustment. It's not even a long term yet temporary adjustment. It's a momentary one. After this point, it's up to your own internal interpretation.

Let me give a real life example. Someone from my past used to constantly put me down, telling me I'd never be successful, that I saw the world differently, and that I didn't have "what it takes". Which is, looking back, a rather ridiculous statement  - the blanket insult "you'll never be successful" is a little too broad to actually be accurate. But at the time, it was horribly painful. My self-esteem and confidence were at rock bottom, it was the peak of the economic crisis and business wasn't ideal, and I basically believed this person. I let it get to me, and it stayed with me for quite a while. Fast forward a few years. The other day, someone asked me a question about my business strategy. They were just asking a question, trying to learn about my business and wanted to see if they had any helpful insights, simply to be nice. But my brain went straight back to "you'll never be successful". I immediately felt like I was being questioned and attacked, like this person too felt I'd never succeed, and I went on the defensive.

Now that I realize what happened, I can look at it from a more objective point of view. I had this initial "oh no, not again" gut reaction. But instead of assuming the helpful person meant me degradation and (emotional) harm, I could have recognized it for what it was - an instinctive feeling that was caused by myself, and not by the person asking. Even if they had been questioning me, it's my choice to believe them, to take it to heart, to let it eat away at my self esteem. In this case, the damage was double because not only did I unnecessarily upset myself, I upset someone else who was trying to be helpful.

This all said, it's not easy. Instinct is incredibly powerful, especially when it's based on real life experiences. Plus, there's a fine line between not learning from your mistakes and not taking the past out on the present and the future. If I always thought "oh that person doesn't really mean xyz, it's just my interpretation," I could not only miss some important lessons, but I could end up getting hurt (emotionally or physically) by being too naive. It's a delicate balance. I think it comes down to looking internally, knowing your sensitive points, and being aware that those are your own insecurities. When you become aware of these, you can more easily pause a moment when they ignite and ask yourself, "why am I feeling this way?". Another good trick is to objectively reverse the situation. "If I said xyz to so-and-so, and he/she reacted this way, would I think it a reasonable reaction?". Don't allow your sensitivities to play a part in your answer. If that's too difficult, pretend you're not in the situation at all... "If Bob said that to Mary, and she reacted this way...".

I've learned, and am still learning, this lesson the hard way. I've actually asked very trusted people to call me out on it, albeit nicely. I've told them that I'm trying to let go of past hurts, and that when I start to bring those into the present to gently tell me "you're doing that again". If I catch it in the moment and am able to reverse course, I believe eventually I'll be able to stop it from taking place in the first place - or at least I hope so. 

That Thing You're "Not Supposed" To Talk About

September 8th - 14th, 2013 is National Suicide Prevention Week. It's one of the most important causes/awareness campaigns I can possibly think of. I mean, we're talking about people's lives. And yet suicide is one of those topics that virtually nobody wants to talk about. People who have never considered the possibility can't fathom why anyone would. People who have thought about it or have attempted suicide sadly understand exactly why. It seems we, as a society and as individual human beings, are unable to bridge that gigantic gap between these two groups.

I think part of the reason there's this huge divide is the numerous misconceptions about suicide. People have all sorts of ideas of the "types of people" who commit suicide. It's similar to the label society places on people with mental health conditions. You either fit into that group, or you want to make sure you put as far of a space between yourself and that label as possible. Yet what people fail to realize is that "those people" could be your neighbor, your colleague, your classmate, your best friend, your sibling, or your child. 

Perhaps dispelling a few myths about suicide might help to bridge this gap a bit, might get people to look around them, and understand that anyone they know could be at risk for suicide.  

•  Not all people who commit suicide have a diagnosed mental health condition. While that certainly can be a factor, it's not an absolute. People commit suicide after a serious trauma, a death in the family, or some other specific situation that causes such extreme stress or emotion. In addition, some medications (for all types of illnesses/injuries/issues) actually list "thoughts of suicide" as a side effect, which obviously makes these a potential factor. 

• Just because someone appears happy, social, and positive does not mean they aren't at risk for suicide. We are a society who's taught to "put on a happy face" instead of showing our true feelings. Unfortunately, we don't know what we don't know, and that could be something as serious as someone having thoughts of suicide. 

• Suicide crosses all genders, ethnic backgrounds, socio-economic groups, sexual orientations, ages, religions, and areas of the world. Never think someone is "exempt" because of one of these factors. 

• People who think about, attempt, or do commit suicide are not weak.  Labeling them as such only makes others who may be in danger not want to talk about it. And no serious situation was ever solved by not talking about it. This only widens the divide, and isolates people further. 

So what can you do if you think someone is at risk of suicide? Talk to them. Listen to them. Be caring, loving, understanding, and patient. If someone reaches out or even talks after some prompting, they're asking for help. If you push them away, if you are too busy or don't care to listen, whether you realize it or not you're telling them that their life isn't important enough for you to do so. In addition, never hold their concerns or issues over their head. This might sound obvious, but I've personally experienced situations in which I needed to talk about my mental health and was threatened with being put in a hospital against my will, simply because the person didn't want to "deal with" talking about my condition at the time. It only made me feel more alone.  Luckily, I was not suicidal when this occurred, but had I been, the result could have been very bad. On the flip side, never make light of someone's need. If they are truly in danger of hurting themselves or taking their life, take the necessary steps to get them to safety, to get them help. It could truly be the difference between life and death for that person. 

There are resources available for those who are feeling suicidal, as well as for those who have friends and loved ones that are experiencing suicidal thoughts. Never be afraid to reach out in either case. There are also campaigns, walks, and other events to raise awareness for suicide prevention.  IMAlive.org, for instance, offers an online crisis support center, and they are currently running a Giving Challenge to raise money to establish a 24-7 online crisis chat service.

 I understand that talking about suicide makes most people uncomfortable. To many, it's a dark, very personal topic that they would like to stash away behind a locked door. But quite simply, we can't afford not to talk about it. Not when people's lives are at stake. 

A Little Less Talk? .... Not So Fast

It seems that life constantly encourages a little less talk and a lot more action. In fairness, I often tend to agree. I don't just want people to just tell me things, I want them to show me. For instance, someone saying "I'm here for you" means nothing if when you need them, they're nowhere to be found or you have to make all the effort to reach out. So I'm a total proponent of the actions revealing what people actually mean.

Unfortunately, though, all the focus on action seems to provide people a perfect excuse for lack of communication. People base so much on action that it seems we've lost the ability to have a conversation. I'm not talking about "how's the weather", but more those types of important conversations that life requires. Talking about how one feels, talking about important topics involved in the situation, whether it be business, personal, or interpersonal. It can even be discussing plans for the week or ideas about a new project you want to start.

To clarify, conversations, by my definition, are two-way discussions in which all people involved are actively listening and speaking. One person unloading on another, for instance, is not a conversation. That's someone stating a fight, or at the least blame dumping, or name calling, or taking their bad day out on someone. But it's not a conversation. If you aren't truly interested and willing to take into account what the other person has to say, it's a not a conversation. Also, I'm using the word talking liberally here. It can be done in writing, in some sort of electronic communication, as long as it's a back and forth. Though the more important the topic, the more important to have a spoken, and if possible in person, discussion, in my book.

So what's led to this lack of talk? It could be numerous things. For one, we as a society put more merit on the ability to "be tough" than we do on discussing things like emotions and feelings, and we seem to think that those who are emotional aren't strong. Which, for the record, is completely false. There'll be another blog about that. Secondly, I think there's a lot of apathy.  People don't want to "waste time" having long conversations when they can more easily update their Facebook status or tweet it out. In addition, as I mentioned, we've so emphasized action that it seems words don't count anymore. But sometimes, people just like to hear something. For instance, if someone's important to you or you appreciate something they've done, tell them.  While actions are critical, the bottom line is, people don't want there to be room for mis-interpretation. They want to hear it from you. And yet people pass the buck, putting the blame on the person who didn't interpret their actions correctly, instead of taking the responsibility themselves for not conveying verbally what they meant.

Why all this talk about communication? Quite frankly, we can't afford to not communicate. It's the cornerstone of all types of relationships, from colleagues to friends, family, and significant others. Without it, we risk misunderstanding and misinterpretation, frustrations, fights, and even serious rifts or falling outs that could have been prevented had we only actually communicated. Because truly, no issues can ever be fully solved if we don't listen enough to know what's really going on, or communicate enough to express it in the first place. So yes, it's very important to back up your words with your actions. But remember, there have to be words to back up in the first place.

The "Normal" Pieces

You all know I strongly dislike the word normal. I feel that 1.) there's no such thing and 2.) being like everyone else would probably be boring as all hell. Maybe I'm just used to being one of those people that makes you go "hmmm".  But I rather like my uniqueness. There are certainly things about my life that I wouldn't choose if I was building it from scratch, but that doesn't mean I dislike myself overall.

However, I feel I focus a lot on my condition on this blog - since indeed that's the theme of it - and that I may at times come off as somewhere between an alien invader (albeit a cute one) and a side show circus act. Obviously, I'm exaggerating here. But I do realize that it may appear as though I'm always acting out or having a difficult cycle or being hypomanic or freaking out and truthfully, that's not the case. So, I thought I'd point out the ways in which I'm not that different from the rest of humanity. Because I really do a lot of every day things. Here are a few examples:

• I go to the gym and care about my general health and appearance. 

• Sometimes, I sleep in instead of going to the gym. 

• I go out for happy hour or hours or entire evenings. Hence bullet point #2. 

• I love dogs. I know most breeds, even mutts, simply by looking at them. Ok maybe that's not so "normal." But still, I love animals, like a lot of other people. 

• I have a coffee addiction. I fully admit it. No cream or sugar. I like the hard stuff. 

• I love music. Especially live. I wait all year for summer concert season.

• I travel every chance I get. 

• I get upset. It's not always because I have a condition. Sometimes, someone is being a jerk. Or I'm bloated and feeling gross. Or I've just almost gotten into an accident because some ass cut me off in traffic. Or I have a sinus infection and struggling to breath and who's happy when they can't breathe? Or I'm tired or hungry and it makes me grumpy. 

• I take off a nice Friday once in a while simply to enjoy the weather and some "me time". 

• I'm a huge sports fan. Sundays (and Monday nights and some Thursday nights) in football season are practically sacred. 

There are plenty more examples. But the point, that I'm sure you get by now, is that I'm not a alien-invading-side-show being. I'm a human being. I do stuff that everyone else does. I get happy about things that everyone else does. I get upset about things that everyone else does. I'm not a condition. I have a condition. I'm not defined by it. It happens. Not all the time, just sometimes. Less often than not in the general scheme of things. Like someone who has slightly clumsy tendencies and trips more the average person. Once or twice they might fall into your bookcase or china cabinet and break something important, and apologize profusely and you forgive them. They're still Bob or Mary Smith, who is a bit clumsy.  They're not "the-expensive-china-breaker." And I am not my condition. 

Inside The All-Or-Nothing Brain

The cycling brain is used to extremes. It's used to rules and schedules and well-planned events. It's also used to the total lack thereof. It can totally do spontaneous and random. What it's not used to is something in the middle. Any middle. I'm great at going to the gym every day during the work week, or not going for two weeks at all. I'm fine with planning a party in detail for months or randomly deciding at 3 PM that day to have a get together that night. I rarely have part of a plan.  My brain just has a tough time comprehending things that are "in between", and it literally makes me feel physically uncomfortable.

This type of thinking can have it's positives. In those situations that require serious planning and dedication, I'm your woman.  At the same time, this black or white thinking can be quite detrimental.
A lack of a gray area creates little room for error or growth. If I am trying to correct something, or create a positive habit, it must generally be done little by little. To the "average" person, a small improvement puts you on the right track. To the "absolute" thinker, if you've not accomplished your goal right away, you've failed. You have to start all over again, or give up all together.

While this absolute thinking is very characteristic to the cycling brain, there are tricks that you can use to "retrain" your brain and become more comfortable with some gray areas. Here are a few things I've learned over the year, many to the credit of my therapist.

• One bad hour does not make a "bad day". You can still have 23 great hours. Clearly with a 23:1 ratio, great prevails. Similarly, a bad evening doesn't make a bad weekend, bad day doesn't make a bad week, bad week doesn't make a bad month, and a couple of bad months does not make a bad lifetime. 

• Find something gray (or silver or some variation of gray) that you like. Wear/carry it with you every day to remind you that gray areas can be beautiful too - it's not all black or white. This may sound cheesy, but I've personally done it and the constant, physical reminder is a quite powerful. 

• Try to eliminate words such as always and never. Replace them with often, frequently, rarely, infrequently, etc. The same goes for words like "all" or "nothing".  Find terms that illustrate your point but aren't so absolute, that don't rule out every single other possibility. 

• Focus within - why are you feeling so all-or-nothing? Is it a value that you've always held? Is it something you've just always done and it feels un-changeable because you can't imagine doing it another way? Have you gotten hurt when being more flexible with your thoughts or actions? 

• How is this way of thinking limiting you? What is the worst possible outcome if you allow yourself to be even just a little more flexible? I'll add the exceptions that you're deathly allergic to something, it's seriously illegal or immoral or would really hurt someone else. But in the majority of cases, allowing some flexibility is probably not as awful as it feels it might be. 

I encourage you to try this experiment for one week: allow yourself to think in the gray. Allow yourself to be ok with the nebulous, the unsure. Try to replace your absolute words, thoughts, and actions with slightly more flexible ones. So much anxiety can stem from being uncomfortable with the unknown. The more comfortable you are able to get with it, the less anxiety you may experience. Even within the confines of this experiment, avoid the all or nothing judgement. If you slip up and think "always" or "never", it's ok. You don't have to be perfect at seeing the gray areas either. Just try, and see what happens.

10 Easy Ways To Brighten Someone's Day (And Hopefully Your Own)

Mostly my blog is about mental health, and often focuses on the trials and tribulations that those of us dealing with conditions go through. But today, I thought I'd focus on something very positive that can apply to anyone, condition or no, as we head into this weekend that marks the unofficial end of summer. I feel times of transition, like the seasons, are a great opportunity for positivity and renewal, and it was with these thoughts that I created this list of 10 easy ways to make someone's day.  As karma can be a beautiful thing, they just might brighten your own day in return.

1. Smile at them. Genuinely, not creepliy or forced.

2. Offer a genuine and unsolicited compliment.

3. Tell them they're important to you (in a way that won't sound weird based on the nature of the relationship).

4. Show them that they're important to you (same guidelines as above).

5. Thank them for something they do, or are. Make it meaningful.

6. Do something nice for them without expecting anything in return.

7. Write them a heart-felt note or a card. Not a status or a tweet. Good old pen and paper.

8. Praise/compliment them to someone else whose opinion you value. It feels good to hear someone compliment you to others, doesn't it?

9. Express genuine interest in learning about something that's important to them - a hobby, a job, a passion of theirs, etc.

10. Appreciate them for just being them. Express this to them however you can do so best.

Now go ahead - go brighten someone's day. See if it doesn't just make you feel better as well. And have a safe, happy, and beautiful weekend! 

How To Be Friends With A Mood-Cycler

You've probably seen all those lists of "how to date an introvert/extrovert/cross-fit- fanatic/cyclist/couch potato/etc." These seem to be pretty popular these days, so I thought, why not make a list of my own? Except that I'm not addressing dating because to be totally honest, that's not the focus of my blog and we all know I rarely talk about relationships/dating on here anyways. Instead, I thought I'd focus on relationships in the general term. As adults, the basis of almost any personal relationship should really be a solid friendship, and I figured if I used that as the starting point, people could easily apply it to other areas of their personal life as well.

Now I hate to label anyone by an activity, personality trait, condition, but in this specific example, it flows smoother than a "a person with a mood cycling or similar mental health condition", so please excuse that faux pas.  That out of the way, in no particular order.... How To Be Friends With A Mood-Cycler (using myself as an example).

• I like black and white. Gray areas concern/confuse/stress me out. 'Maybe we'll get together on Saturday night but I won't really know until Sat afternoon, can I let you know?" doesn't tend to go over well with me.  My brain can give me enough "all over the place." I don't need my friends to. Besides... I don't really want to be your plan B. 

• Be sensitive about mental health topics and the terminology used. Calling someone "crazy" or "mental" because they don't act like you think they should is not cool unless you are clearly joking with me and know I am ok with you doing so.  Hint: when in doubt, avoid it. 

• Avoid being a "sometimes friend". Be a true, honest, good friend. I deal with enough inconsistency in my body systems. Chasing after friends who reply 30 percent of the time or who are constantly inviting others out and not including me is not worth my time. Really this is just common sense in any friendship, in my opinion. 

• Ups and downs are a part of my life.  I know the down won't go away if I put on a happy face, and people making fun of my energy level when I'm feeling really happy kind of sucks. Because, you know, I'm happy, and trying to express it. 

• Don't assume that every time I'm upset that it's my condition. It's often not. Maybe someone, or you, did something inconsiderate or hurtful. Having a condition doesn't mean I'm automatically the bad guy. I don't use it as a crutch. Neither should you. 

• Don't get going when the going gets tough. It's that simple. 

• Genuinely learn about my condition. The more accurately informed you are, the more you'll understand my thoughts and actions, and that works out best for everyone. 

• Make no assumptions about me. If you're not sure about something, ask. Even if you think you're sure, unless you've heard it from my mouth, you're not. My brain doesn't always work like yours. So how would you know what I'm thinking, or my intentions, or my thought pattern? 

• Allow me emotions that might not make sense to you. Once again, my system is wired differently. Not worse, or better. Differently. 

• Be glad I have that emotion - it also makes me incredibly caring, loving, giving, and forgiving.

• Listen to me. Not hear me, listen to me. Enough people stigmatize, generalize, and write off people because of their condition. I feel unimportant often enough. I need to be genuinely listened to, even if it's about something silly. 

• Let me know I'm important to you. Remember, I see black and white, I don't like to have to assume because that's a gray area. This actually applies in life, in my opinion. People shouldn't have to ascertain that you care. They should know because you tell them AND show them. 

Of course I can't say that this list is true for everyone with a mood cycling condition across the board. But I've spoken with and know enough people who have mood-cycling that I feel confident that using myself as an example (hence written in the first person), I can create this list. If anyone has anything to add, as always, I'd love to hear them!