2021 Year In Review

 The past few of yeas, I've tried to do a year in review post - a look back on the past year. In 2020, this felt especially tricky, seeing as nobody (including myself) actually did anything. To be honest, 2021 felt a lot of the same. If anything 2021 feels a bit more isolating for me, because the "we're all in this together" has vanished, and I'm feeling the disconnect more keenly. But still, 2021 has personally been a pretty eventful year, especially for a year in which I'm still not really doing much. 

Work

I started the year in a new job - technically I started Dec 7, 2020, but I  was basically still in training until 2021. In the past year, I've grown in the roll and responsibilities, now training vendors on the same system I was still learning a year ago. I've taken on special projects and feel like I've learned so much in such a short time. We were supposed to go back to the office in May, which turned into hybrid office/work from home in September, which turned into February, which we now just found out will be April 2022 at the earliest. I won't lie, I've been desperately missing the days of running my own business, of having my storefront, but if I'm going to work for a company that's not mine,  I'm so grateful to work for a company that truly is putting its employees first. 

My home office/yoga room, featuring Grace.

Home

On April 30th, we closed on a house in Merchantville, NJ. It's a single family house built in 1918, with all the charm of a century plus old home but the upgrades of a modern home (though we've had our share of upgrades in terms of things like electric and plumbing).  It has a yard, an in ground pool, and tons of natural light, and  is a mile and a half from where I grew up. I have my office/yoga room in the sunroom, which I absolutely love. We sold our condo in Philly and while it was bittersweet to leave the city, knowing it will likely be the last time I live there, I absolutely love our new home and community. I wouldn't change it - this is where I want to be at this point in my life. 

My husband and I in front of our new house just after closing. 

Chronic Illness

In February I got what I  initially thought was a cyst in my wist. Within a couple of days I realized that it was exponentially swelling and getting hot and red and was most likely not a cyst, but an infection. I got into a hand specialist quickly, and he thought it was likely a one-off infection as well. As a precaution, to rule out a fracture or growth, he did an x-ray.  The xr-ay revealed that the tissue in my hand was calcifying, and I got diagnosed with a condition called Calcium Pyrophosphate Deposition Disease (CPPD). CPPD was formerly known as pseudogout, because the symptoms mimic gout, but without the uric acid issue. There's not a ton known about CPPD. I asked my specialist if it was autoimmune like Rheumatoid Arthritis or more of a "wear and tear" type of arthritis like Osteoarthritis (which I also have) and he said they don't really know. I don't know if the infection activated  CPPD somehow, or if it just caused the existing condition to flare and it was because of the infection that I sought treatment and discovered the CPPD. Either way, I now have two forms of arthritis , but I'm lucky that it hasn't really flared since. 

IVF

Perhaps the biggest event this year (yes, bigger than buying and selling a house and moving back to New Jersey) is that we started IVF treatment. For those who don't know, we've been trying to conceive for over three years. My being 42 (41 when we started), we were put straight into IVF, after initial tests showing no obvious issues of why we haven't been able to conceive. We've gone through two rounds of egg retrieval, but haven't yet made it to point at which we can do a transfer. We had a break after our last round, due to the lab closing for two weeks in mid-December (so they couldn't start any new IVF rounds), but I go for my next bloodwork on 12/28, and if all looks good, we'll start another round in early January. IVF is... a lot. It's a lot on the body (injections in the belly and thigh multiple times a day, blood work and pelvic ultrasound every couple of days, all the hormones), and it's a lot on the mind and heart. It's physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting and exciting at the same time. Each round is another chance that it could work, that this could be the round where you make it to the transfer, where that transfer sticks, where you finally are pregnant, where your dreams of becoming parents are finally realized. At the same time, you know the statistics, the history, the disappointment that each previous round has brought. It's intense in every way possible, and at times, feels all consuming - especially in a pandemic when you don't have the usual activities and visits and such to serve as a distraction while you await the next test results, the next steps, or when you get the news you hoped you wouldn't. Plus, or course there's all the hormones, having to inject yourself in the belly and thigh multiple times a day, your schedule having to work around those because they're time sensitive. There's the fact that for the 10 days leading up to retrieval and two weeks afterwords, I can't work out or do yoga, two activities that usually help my anxiety and depression when I'm struggling, which means I've had to be creative with my healthy coping strategies.  But even with all of this, I also realize I'm privileged to even have the chance to go through this - so many do not. Also, a big shout out here to my husband, who has gone to every single appointment with me, even the ones where I had to be in Philly at 6:45 AM for something basic like bloodwork. Nearly always, he's the only partner there. But he knows how I will panic if I can't find parking and am running late or if, completely hypothetical of course, the elevator shuts down while I'm on it and I burst into terrified tears on the way to my appointment in front of strangers. Also, he's excellent at assisting me with the trigger shots, and let me tell you, when you have a several inch long needle going into your butt cheek, it's a godsend to have someone who knows what they're doing and doesn't balk at doing it. 

Headed into an egg retrieval

Holidays

For the past 5 plus years, we've lived in a condo, so while we had lights up around our bedroom and deck (which stayed up all year to be honest) and an artificial Christmas tree (which, embarrassingly, also stayed up all year one year), we didn't get to do the live tree, outdoor lights (minus the deck) thing, nor did we get to hand out halloween candy or have people over for a BBQ for summer holidays, nothing like that. In May, we moved into our house. We were still cautious around others, but the outdoor space gave us room to more safely see people. For Father's Day, my younger brother and his family came into town, and we had them and my parents over to the pool. It was an absolute blast. It felt like being on one of our family vacations (because there's always been a pool) albeit in NJ, and at our own home. But still, so much fun. On labor day, weekend we had my parents over for a fire pit in the backyard and dinner. Nothing huge, but still, the ability to "host" a get together in our own home. 

Halloween in my town is HUGE. The town I live in is called Merchantville, but every October, they turn it into Monsterville - literally, they put something up over the "Welcome To" sign to change it to "Monsterville". The stores have a halloween decorating contest, homes are done up like haunted houses. And Halloween itself... it's unreal. We set up a table out front (and were masked the whole time) and had kids lined up down the block for a solid 3 hours before we finally ran out of candy. It's not an exaggeration to say we probably saw over 300 kids, and that was before we had to "close up shop" because we ran out two hours before trick or treating ended. If we'd had enough, I imagine we would have had probably 500 trick or treaters. Not only that, but everyone is dressed up. I mean everyone. The parents, the kids, dogs, some people handing out candy. One person just kept driving around the block for probably a solid hour, playing "scary" music for ambiance. I've never seen anything like it. We actually took notes on how we need to plan and up our Halloween game for next year. 

On Thanksgiving my brother's family came into town, and while we celebrated at my parents' house for most of the day, my husband and I hosted dessert. Well, we provided the venue anyway - my dad made all of the pies. But we had everyone over, and we hung out in our upstairs family room watching football, enjoying the fireplace, eating dessert. 

And most recently, Christmas. We got a real tree! In fact, we have two trees up - the real one and the artificial one that we had from the condo. We also have a 9-foot artificial tree that we bought from the people that sold us the house for a steal, because it wouldn't fit in their new house. We didn't put that up, since we felt three trees was ambitious for our first year in the house. We decorated the front porch with lights and got a light up wreath (artificial) for the front door. We got decorated various rooms in the house. It was so much fun. 

Suffice it to say, I absolutely love having a house for the holidays. 

Our home decorated for Christmas.

Family

In 2020, my family was supposed to take our biannual (every other year, not twice a year) family vacation. That means my parents, all five of us siblings, spouses, and all of my siblings kids'. There are 20 of us in total. We had luxury cabins booked outside of Sedona for a week - at least I think it was a week, honestly it seems like a lifetime ago - and then were going to head to Scottsdale area to one giant house (our usual family vacation style) for the last  two or three nights of the trip. With us being spread across the country, these trips are often the only time we all are able to get together. Needless to say, that 2020 trip didn't happen. In fact, from March 2020 on, the only family I saw were my parents and twice outside, I saw one of my brothers and his family. Finally, this summer I got to see all of my siblings and their families. It had been  a year and half since I'd seen my older brother, two years since I'd seen one sister, and three since I'd seen the other. We weren't all together at the same time, but I got to see each of them, and it was wonderful. We spent the majority of our time outside, and everyone 13 and over was fully vaccinated (kids 5-12 couldn't be vaccinated at the time, but they are now!). I have no idea when we'll be able to do another family vacation. As of now, we're hoping for Summer 2023, but it's obviously a bit of a moving target - it won't be sooner, but it could be later.  Still, I was so grateful to see everyone, even if it wasn't all together and we did have to stay mostly outside. It renewed me, especially as we went into the fall, and now winter, with new variants, and it's tougher to see people again.

We didn't get many pics of us in the pool, so here's Grace again.

Personal and Spiritual Reconnection 

I spent a lot of time feeling isolated, disconnected from others, lonely, and kind of forgotten about.invisible this year (outside of immediate family/loved ones and a couple of close friends). Which I won't sugar coat it, kind of sucked. As I watched the world move back towards a normal I was not and am still not comfortable with (because of covid, but also because I just don't believe our pre-covid "normal" was normal to begin with, or should have been), I felt quite out of site out of mind to many. Which I have to, rather sucked. But the fact that I have still mostly been staying home, and haven't been as connected with the outside world, allowed me to shift the focus to other forms of connection, namely with myself and with something greater than myself (which I realize some people will groan/roll their eyes at, and you are absolutely entitled to your thoughts on the matter, as I am mine). Both of these connections are ones I've struggled with in the past - the spiritual connection because my spiritual beliefs/faith doesn't quite fit in a box that people often like to use for these categories. For a long time, I thought that meant I didn't fit anywhere, that I was somehow not doing faith or spirituality right. But going through yoga teacher training, where we were encouraged to explore the concept of Isvara Pranidhanadva", the idea of "your own personal connection with something greater than yourself/the universe/God/whatever term you used  (in YTT we called it 'Your Own Personal Jesus' and I really hope people get this reference), helped me to feel more comfortable in exploring my faith and spirituality in a way that resonated with me. This, along with my own personal exploration of self and working with my therapist for many, many years, has helped me to also dive deeper into my connection with myself. There was a long time where I felt like I'd forgotten who I was (like, until this past summer/fall). I still feel a bit on shaky ground here. I explained in a previous post how I feel like I've spent so much time trying to form to what others want or suggest or need, that I've lost who I am without all of those influences. So I've begun working on rediscovering this. It's an ongoing journey. I've been doing a lot of processing of things that I should have processed more a while ago, both external and internal situations.

Writing

After publishing my novel in 2019, and then doing a lot of blogging on yoga and wellness on my other website in 2020, 2021 was a bit lacking in the writing department. But some of my family members and I started a virtual writing circle, where every couple of weeks a different person suggested a prompt, and we all wrote our pieces, shared with each other via google drive, and offered up thoughts on each others' pieces (honestly that it may have started in 2020, it's all kind of merging together). Despite having several blogs, having my works on multiple sites and publications, being published in an anthology, and having self-published my novel, I am still extremely leery to show my work to others - especially my non blog style type of work (blogging feels different, maybe because it's my life and nobody's more of an "expert" on what's going on in my life  or how I'm feeling about it than me, so I don't mind so much). So having the opportunity to write and share with people, along with prompts that took me well out of my wheelhouse of blog style writing about myself, provided an ideal opportunity to expand and explore my writing and my creativity. 

I also began blogging again, and it's felt really good to get back to this outlet. For a while, I felt a bit like I wasn't sure what to say, like I had blogged for years and it didn't really seem to go anywhere.  But I've missed it, and when I think back to why I started blogging in the first place - to share my story, both as a bit of a catharsis for myself, and in hopes that it might help others that also are struggling - it doesn't matter if it "goes anywhere", if I get tons of followers or comments or whatever. If it helps me and it helps one other person reading it, that's enough. 

Finally, I started writing another fiction piece. I'm not sure exactly where it's going to lead. Maybe a short story, maybe a novel (or a mini novel), maybe just another piece written in my notebook. Similar to when I started writing Johanna's Secret, the literally came to me overnight. With Johanna's Secret, I woke up with the opening sentence in my head. With this piece, I had a dream, and a particular character, and connection with that character stuck with me. Ironically, it's not the protagonist of the book, and yet I've built the story around that person. Whatever it turns out to be, I'm enjoying writing a story again, and curious to see where it leads. 

 

Morning writing and coffee session

As I look back over this year, it held a lot of conflicting feelings. Feeling like I wasn't doing anything at all (day to day because pandemic) but simultaneously doing really big life things like buying a house and moving and starting IVF.  This year I both realized how lost I've been feeling, and began to navigate back towards myself.  I've worked through so many emotions, often at the same time, often that are seem like they're odds with each other, but that must all exist and be felt as part of the healing process.  As always, life with a rapid mood cycling disorder is a lot of ups and downs. Add in a pandemic, IVF hormones, and drastically increased anxiety, and it's been an emotionally tumultuous year. But I've also found pieces of myself long forgotten, pieces of my spiritual connection, of my deepest self when the influences of the outside world are as stripped away as possible, and those have been extremely grounding and comforting. It's these pieces, along with the closeness of family and loved ones and closest friends - even when I can't see them in person,  that I will hold onto and continue to explore as we move into 2022. 

Little By Little

 In my last post, I shared how I've been struggling with my emotional and mental health, and have started digging deep into some healing work with the help of my therapist. One of the challenges that's been especially frustrating for me is that I haven't felt like myself lately. And by lately, I actually mean it's been quite a while, but it's something that's been slowly building, that I noticed glimpses of from time to time, but that I hadn't stopped to actually fully digest and think about.

 I acknowledge that many of us have likely felt this way over the past year and a half, when so much of what we thought of as an integral part of "who we are and what we do", vanished. Whether it was losing a job during the pandemic that had been an integral part of your life for years, or the inability to do the activities that you're so passionate about, or the changes you noticed within yourself when we were all quarantined and couldn't see one another, I suspect this year has had a bit of a "what's going on and who am I and what is this life" affect on a large number of people. For me though, it's more than that. Yes, I absolutely miss traveling, and running my travel business full time (which was something I stopped doing full time pre-pandemic, but pandemic made it obvious that it wasn't going to be an option any time soon). Obviously, I missed seeing loved ones when restrictions were at their tightest and still miss seeing so many friends. I miss teaching yoga in person, being able to participate in group activities. The loneliness and isolation is something I've shared about in both my previous post and on social media. But this is more than that. 

What I've noticed is that the vibrance has drained out of me. I've always been a person that's absolutely loved living life. Even when life was at its toughest (and those of you close to me know that there have been some extremely tough and dark times), I've always been a passionate person, a person with so many ideas and convictions and thoughts and opinions. I've always had a project or a plan I'm excited about, and if I don't, I find one or I create one. To be clear, I don't do this to "keep busy". I do this because I live life curiously and immersively (if that's a word).  When I was younger (teens, early adult-hood), I was never been a person that's afraid to take up space in the world. I was optimistic and hopeful, and granted, some of it could have been naivety, but most of it wasn't. Most of it was that I believed that I was capable and worthy and enough. I think about myself as a teenager, when I tried out for every single solo in chorus (and I got one every year), or all through gymnastics when I routinely did the hardest level routines I could. I never thought "I might try to do this and not make it". In fact, it was a bit the opposite - I'd be like "eh, you know what, I think I'm going to throw this trick in competition that I've literally never landed in practice". (I can't say I recommend this by the way - I did a lot of landing on my head and crotching the beam in my teen years). Or even as an adult, when I quit my full time job to start my travel business in a brick and mortar storefront. I literally never had the thought "what if I don't succeed". And again, this isn't the best business strategy, I realize 16 years later, to not think of what could go wrong. But the point is, I didn't doubt myself. I went after my dreams because I was sure I could make them happen. 

And yet over the years, I've watched this shift drastically. I've watched my belief in myself, my feeling of worthiness and being capable, my self-acceptance all but disintegrate. I've watched myself step into the background. I've watched myself become a people pleaser, a person so afraid to rock the boat.  I've watched myself fold in on myself, absorbing everyone around me until I'm not sure which ways of doing things, which preferences ,are my own, and which are other people's that I've taken on. It's like if for years, the only clothes you owned were ones other people bought for you. Then one day someone asked you what your style was, and you realize you have no idea, because for years you've only every dressed in clothes others gave you. It's not that others were ill-meaning in buying you clothes - in fact, probably quite the opposite, they wanted to do something nice for you. And it's not that you don't appreciate the clothes, you do. But you have no idea what style is actually yours without any other influence. What do you actually want to wear? What do you feel best in? What makes you feel most like you? 

I want to be clear, I'm not talking about accepting everyone else's ideas without thought. For instance take my vegetarianism and not buying animal products- I'm not going to start eating meat and buying leather if others tell me I should (note: they don't, this was just an easy example). My morals and ethics and values are not up for debate, and in these thing, I know exactly who I am. But it's the smaller pieces of life, the "what do you want to do" or "how should we do this" type of  the decisions we make every day, that don't seem like they'll alter you all that much, but when they're constantly filtered through everyone else's preferences and wants and needs, end up adding up. Eventually you realize you're not even sure what the answer to these types of questions are without all of the external influences. I've also noticed that this is leading to inertia, which I adamantly dislike feeling. I can't really explain why, except that when you feel like you're not really yourself, it's tough to be motivated. You stop making suggestions or voicing your opinion or taking initiative, not only with others, but with yourself. In turn, that makes me feel even less like myself, and it becomes a vicious cycle. 

This is where I have been lately, and although I know it's a pattern for me, it's really hitting home this time. I know, if I can get past the low self-esteem and lack of confidence and low self-worth, that my opinions are valuable, that I have something to offer others, the world, by being myself. So, along with the work that I'm doing with my therapist, I've started a new daily ritual. Each day, I list two things that I want to do - they're often seemingly insignificant things, small things that I need or want to get done, or occasionally, small ways of treating myself, to remind myself that I matter. It might be something fun or silly, it might be something that needs to get done and I've been putting it off. And each day, I've been working to make sure that I do these two things. Not only does it give me a feeling of autonomy, because I'm the person choosing these things and doing them, but it helps me push through the inertia, which then makes me feel better about myself, more like the self that has was such a self-starter, so determined and passionate and felt like she could make things happen. 

It's not a momentous change. In fact, if I'd not written about it, I doubt anyone else would even know it. But it's taking the daunting and often impossible-feeling task of "rediscover myself" and breaking it down to manageable pieces and daily action steps, that I'm hopeful can get me there little by little. 

A Long Overdue Update

Hello Friends! It's been a while since I've written. A ton has happened in the past year-ish, and I've been navigating through all of the changes. I've missed writing here though, so I thought I'd give it a go. I can't promise how frequent it will be, but you've got to start (again) somewhere, right? 

For those who haven't been up to date on my life in the past year, here's a quick breakdown of what's happened. 

• In mid-Oct 2020 I got laid off from my job. Our contract ended, and due to covid, there weren't other contract spots for those of us that had been at the site where I'd been working. 

• In early December 2021, I got a new job, working in Transportation Management Systems/Global Logistics for a retail company in the off-price market sector (I realize I sound like I'm doing a generic intro on Wheel of Fortune here, but I try to keep my job and my advocacy/blogging separated, since this is in no way affiliated with my job). I work for a great company. It's extremely different than working for myself, which I miss terribly, but as far as 9-5s go, I can't complain. And we're still working from home until at least early 2022, so I'm liking that. In fact, if I could choose to permanently work from home, I would in a heartbeat.  But that's a soapbox for another day. 

• This past spring, we sold our Condo in Philly and bought a home in Merchantville, NJ (which means we also changed states and are now NJ residents again). Our house is basically my dream house. It's a Tudor style front, but more victorian-y inside, with the perfect combination modern updates ad older character. It has a fenced in backyard for our dog Grace (and us) and an in-ground pool, multiple fireplaces, gorgeous hardwood floors, and an abundance of unique features. As much as I've loved living in the city in the past, I'm loving living in Merchantville now, close to where I grew up (literally 1.5 miles away from my childhood home where my parents still live), having all the space, both indoors and out, and being part of this smaller community. 

• We started IVF treatment. Of all of the changes we've gone through in the past year, this has been the most intense, the most emotional. Being 42 and trying to get pregnant for the first time, I'm on a pretty intensive regimen (did I mention it's intense?). I feel lucky that so far, I've reacted to the meds better than I expected. Considering that IVF meds can have major effects on mood, and I live with a mood disorder, I was expecting it to be extremely rough, and my side effects have been pretty low. That said, I haven't yet done an embryo transfer, so there are some medications I believe are in store for me when we get to that stage that are some of the heavy hitters. But until then, I'll enjoy doing pretty well with the meds. The stress of IVF, on the other hand, is tough. It's physically demanding on the body - shots in the belly and thigh multiple times a day, multiple doctor appointments weekly for bloodwork and pelvic ultrasound is intense. Moreso, there's the emotional aspect. Each step of the way, you have to prepare yourself for exciting or difficult news, none of which you actually have control over, other than to follow doctors orders with meds and such: Do you have follicles big enough for egg retrieval? How many eggs did they get from the retrieval (if any)? How many of those eggs fertilized (if any)? How many of those fertilized eggs made it to the blastocyte stage (the stage where they could do an embryo transfer)? Do those blastocyte embryos pass the chromosomal test  (at 42, chromosomal testing is highly advised)? It's a lot, and each time you get through one stage, you have to prep yourself for the next. And each time it doesn't make it to the next stage, there's a massive sense of loss, of grief. 

Mentally and emotionally, despite doing well with the IVF meds, I've been struggling a bit. Since going through IVF puts me at higher risk, in addition to underlying health conditions and having higher risk loved ones, I'm still being extremely limited in my activities, since covid is still a concern for me, even vaxxed and boosted. I've seen immediate family, and a couple of friends, always one on one (or one couple, if they're couple friends). With the exception of immediate family, I see people almost exclusively outside, which means that as winter approaches, unless my friends are up for bundled up walks or snow-related activities, I'm likely to have even fewer interactions. I don't yet feel safe, nor is it doctor advised, for me to do so many of the things I love: travel,  in person yoga, events/festivals/concerts, (group) special events for loved ones. So the feeling of isolation, of loneliness ,as the rest of the world (or most of it) seems to be moving back to "before times, is high. On top of that, I'm not getting to participate in many activities and pieces of life that bring me joy and enjoyment. While I realize that the pandemic has had a much greater effect on many lives than feeling isolated and not feeling joy, this is beginning to take its toll on me. I'm really missing connecting, even virtually. I'm as tired of zoom gatherings as everyone else, but it seems like the connection that everyone ramped up during 2020 - the virtual get togethers, the group texts of friends and family, the checking in on each other regularly, finding creative ways to connect, has gone by the wayside, and I miss it. I'm an introvert, so I don't need (or want) the huge group events and such, but I do value deep and meaningful connection with those close to me. 

In addition, I've lately begun working more deeply through some personal struggles. As much as I focus on my mental health, my strategy when going through some extremely difficult situations in the past has always been to kind of plow forward and just "deal" with it. I often didn't stop to see how life and situations that arise are taking their toll on my self worth, self-esteem, ability to love and accept myself. I've always focused so hard on just getting through that I often haven't paused to see the lasting effects. Added to the stress of IVF and the isolation mentioned above, it's catching up with me lately. The good thing is, I realize now that this is a struggle that needs to be addressed. That addressing it is, in fact, long overdue. I know I can't continue to just keep trying to get through it, that I need to dig deep into this, do the work and give myself the time and space to heal. As difficult as it is, in a strange way, I'm looking forward to it. I want to reach that place that's on the other side of "just getting through", that place that maybe I don't struggle quite as much with things like self-love and acceptance. I know that these will likely never be easy for me. Depression and anxiety and mood cycling make that elusive, and I can't just work harder and make it go away. I have an illness, one that's lifelong, and I understand this will always be a challenge. But I can take steps to help. It will likely get more difficult before it gets better. Wading through healing, and the pain that requires it.  Letting go of things long held, even false negative beliefs about oneself, can be a convoluted and emotional process. I liken it to a physical injury - when I broke my leg and tore ligaments as a teenager, I had to go through surgery and PT.  Before surgery, my broken leg had mostly healed, and my joint had semi-adjusted to not having a PCL I actually felt *almost* back to normal. Except that it wasn't sustainable. Eventually, my leg with it's un-healing fracture and my knee without it strongest ligament would give out, and I'd be in an even worse position. So I had surgery and PT.  And the recovery was arduous and painful and I cried a ton and I battled it out with my PT, but I knew I was healing. In the end, my leg, even with it's scars and scar tissue and the three screws and a wire that I still have in it, is so much more healthy, so much stronger, than it would have been if I'd not gone through all of that, if I'd left it alone and not tried to heal fully. And it's the same with my mental and emotional health. 

So that's where I am. I remember a family member once saying, of raising kids, that the days are long and the years are short. Although obviously a way different scenario, life right now feels a bit like that. There's simultaneously so much going on, and also sometimes so little (i.e. no travel, no yoga classes, no gatherings or events, less connecting with people, etc). But I know I'm making progress. I know that I'm mentally and emotionally healthier than I've been in a long time - the fact that I feel ready(ish - as I'll ever be) to dig through so much and work so deeply on healing attests to that. In the short term, I'm excited for the holiday season - especially the first holiday season in our new house. I'm trying to also focus on these smaller joys. They are also part of the healing process, of stepping back into myself, of finding small hopes in the every day. 

New Beginnings

 I know I promised to get back to writing on here, and in truth, I have drafted a few blogs but not yet gotten them published. The past few weeks have been a bit mentally and emotionally hectic. I've been wading through a few things that I haven't been able to share publicly, some of which I'm now able to. 

Yesterday was my last day at the company where I've worked for the past 2.5 years. I'm super grateful for the opportunities I've had there - I have the chance to work in administrative capacities in both Borough management and L&I/Code departments, which is certainly something I hadn't done before, and I learned so much. I also feel incredibly fortunate that I've made it to Oct 2020 with a job - I know there are so many that have been dealing with job loss since the early spring. 

Today is my first day of being unemployed and it feels ... weird. Not bad weird, but weird. Partly, it's a schedule thing. I'd been back in the office since June, so it's not even like I'm transitioning from WFH to ..... not WFH. And even during quarantine when I was working from home, I had set hours (because that's when the Borough was open) so I logged on and off at set times. Now, I have no schedule. And I'm sure I'll get into a rhythm, but for this first day, it feels strange. It's not a holiday or a long weekend. I'm not off for a Dr appointment or anything. I'm just not working. 

It's funny, for years I ran my own company full time and for much of that time, worked from home or coworking facilities.  Even when I had my storefront, I created my own schedule, so the feeling of not having to get up get ready and keep a set schedule shouldn't be all that unfamiliar to me. But for the past seven years or so, not only have I worked in an office, but I've worked in jobs with set shifts. When I worked at a conference center, my was driven by the events being held, and most recently at the Boroughs, it was based on Boroughs operating hours. So it feels unusual to not have to be at a set place at a specific time. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having autonomy over my schedule, which is one of the things I enjoyed so much about working for myself (and one of the many reasons I'm a huge advocate for companies offering flexible working arrangements where feasible). I'm just not used to it these days. 

In addition, being at home (technically I'm actually writing this from my parents' house) on my personal computer, which hasn't gotten much use since I went back to the 9-5 type job, brings me back to the days of running my travel business, of working for myself. And there's an ache, both a nostalgia but also a longing, to make this a reality again. At the same time, the timing probably is not quite right, considering that we've been looking to buy a house (we're in a one bedroom condo right now), along with other factors. Plus, there's the fact that my primary industries in terms of doing my own thing are Travel and Wellness/Yoga/Health, and both of those industries are suffering big time right now. I'm not going to book anyone on international trips during a global pandemic (I wouldn't for ethical reasons, even if countries were letting us in). I'm not in a place where I personally feel comfortable (i.e. safe) teaching yoga and wellness class live, especially without masks, and I certainly won't be planning any in person programs or retreats any time soon. My zoom classes are going well, but I'm not at the point where I feel they'd be enough full time, in and of themselves (financially speaking). I'm feeling this pull of freedom, of autonomy, of entrepreneurship which I love so much, or my path, but I don't know that I'm in a place to follow it just yet, and not quite knowing where my next step will be. In addition, since my major industries are not thriving right now, knowing where to look for a job that might fit, or what type of job I would want to find, is tricky. 

Still, I'm looking at this as a new beginning. It's a little tough because it wasn't a planned new beginning, and it's not a certain new beginning - i.e. it's not like when I left my job in Fitness to start my own travel company, where everything was a bit uncertain (and in hindsight I had little idea of what I was doing other than the actual planning of travel), but it was exhilarating, hopeful, and I had a firm direction that I was moving towards. With this, that's not the case. Still, I'm trying to stay open. I'm trying to approach this new place I'm in with curiosity and excitement at possibility. I think that it will work out. I simply don't know how it will work out, or if the next step is going to feel like it's the right path or the necessary one for the current situation, that I can later look back and realize had to be part of the journey all along.  I'm sitting with a lot of feelings. I'm allowing them all. I'm laughing. I'm tearing up. I'm anxious. I'm smiling. I'm reveling in the ability to control my day and my time, and dealing with anxiety over uncertainty. I'm feeling them all, while trying not to hold too tightly to any of them. It's a practice of yoga in everyday life. 

Stepping Out of the Box I've Been Putting Myself In

 Yesterday morning, as I was going through my morning routine - meditation, affirmations, gratitude, journaling, to name part of it - I got to thinking about some areas in my life in which I feel stuck, or don't feel like things are quite lining up. Like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle. And it occurred to me that one of the reasons I feel so constrained is that I've been more or less trying to pigeon hole myself, unintentionally of course. 

I've never been a person that easily fit any type of description - and I get that really, nobody fits neatly in to one particular category. But for me, it's been particularly apparent. Growing up, I didn't fit in with the cool kids, but I wasn't especially uncool (I don't think - maybe I was, who knows). I was an athlete, being a gymnast, but I definitely wasn't part of the "sporty" crowd. I worked hard at school, was focused on education and was in the honors and AP classes, but I wasn't part of the geeky or nerdy kids (again, I don't think?). I wasn't popular but I wasn't particular unpopular. I was a little bit of everything, but not quite enough of any one thing. Really the only group I fit in with was my gymnastics team, and even then, only my specific team, because while we were all pretty talented, we weren't hard core - we practiced a ton and worked hard, but we also took off every time it was someone's birthday to do a group trip to Great Adventure or down the shore or some other shenanigans, and our coach understood this. So all of the weigh-ins and cut throat nature and sacrificing life for gymnastics that you hear about (which honestly appalls me), that wasn't us, and it wasn't me. 

I think that to make up for never fitting in, even to the group of people who didn't fit in, I've always tried to find "my thing, my specific place." As a business(es) owner, I add to that the advice of basically everyone in business everywhere that it's all about super niche, finding your specific hook, honing in on that one thing that makes you stand out. It's easy to get sucked into the idea that if we can't streamline everything into one specific title/description/eleven second elevator pitch, we won't succeed. And, as someone with a Master's in Marketing, I get it. People who hire a professional rarely want a "jack of all trades and master of none". They want someone that's specifically trained at what they're looking for. At the same time, I think that trying to force oneself into on label/group/tagline, either in business or life, can be detrimental. 

One of the reasons I love being an entrepreneur is that I don't like being confined by a job title or position description or company red tape or anything of the like that. And I know I'm a person that has a lot of interests, experiences (life, career, educational), and passions. I'm a person who always likes to be learning, exploring, adventuring, finding something new and different. I know I'm a person whose skills involve deeply connecting with others (even as introvert with social anxiety), understanding and empathizing with others, helping others to connect with themselves. And these aren't attributes that can be neatly fit into one particular job title or position. I know I love the travel planning business. I have found deep meaning in yoga and mindfulness, and bringing this to others. I am a writer who recently published my first novel. I am passionate about mental health advocacy and suicide prevention. Yet I've been trying to pare this all down into the equivalent of a one-line "What am I? What do I do?" In my mind, it looks like one of those fan interaction games that you see on the big screen at a baseball game, where the different colored cars are racing along the track, each one pulling ahead for a time and then falling back, and everyone trying to guess which is going to win out. But human journeys aren't a car race graphics for fan entertainment. It's not "this wins, and everything else fades away". And yet that's the tactic I've been trying to apply to myself as of late. And it's why I'm feeling so stuck, so "not quite right". Because that isn't quite right, at least not for me. 

I love travel planning, I have long time clients that I love working with, and helping others to experience travel makes me come alive.  But it hasn't been my full time, storefront business for some time now (and right now it's my no-time business because I'm not booking anything due to COVID). Yoga and integrated wellness (mind, body, spirit) touches me on a deep level, and I am loving exploring where this path is taking me. But I haven't allowed myself to focus on the exploration part, because I've been so focused on trying to quantify it into something that fits nicely into the typical business school business plan. Mental health advocacy and the Spread Hope Project are deeply a part of who I am, but it's unlikely that they'll be a career path in and of their own (thought they do combine nicely with other things I do). And writing, well, I have no goals of being a NY Times Best Selling Author. I write because I love to write and, if it's on my blogs, to share with those who might get something from it. I don't have to choose one thing and eat, sleep, live, breathe it, giving up all else. Quite frankly, that's not me. Confining myself to one set path and staying within the predetermined lines/groups/classifications has never been my thing. And who knows, maybe THAT is my thing. Maybe I'll find some parallel paths, maybe I'll watch interests and passions and skills merge to create something I hadn't imagined, something I couldn't imagine when I was trying so desperately to quantify it and "figure it out right now". 

So for the next little while, I don't know how long, I'm going to allow myself the opportunity to explore. Instead of trying  figure out not only "which car is going to win the race" but exactly which path it will take and what exact time it will finish at and every single twist and turn of the race, I'm going to allow myself to be open. I'm also going to start listening to myself, my inner knowing, my intuition more. It's always been extremely strong for me, but I tend to discredit or discount myself. (Note: this NOT a "I'm not listening to facts/stats/science" statement AT ALL). It might be that I come back to an idea or path or plan that I'd previously had. It might be that I discover a different way to move forward. What I do know is that whatever I do, it will be true to me, and I think that this, more than any marketing strategy or business plan or impressive elevator pitch, is actually what I've been missing. 

Losing a Sense of Self

 It's been MONTHS since I wrote.This is actually my first post in 2020 here. I've been writing over at my other website, maya-augelli.com (you should go check it out, there's yoga stuff and more :-).  2020 has been weird and honestly, I felt there were more important messages that needed to be heard than my personal feelings about life with my mood disorder. Not only that, but I'm going to be totally honest here - I felt better under the quarantine/stay at home orders than I have in YEARS! To be clear, I don't like the reason for it. I would never wish a global pandemic, people losing their life and falling seriously ill, people losing jobs and home. But for me, personally, I felt exceptionally well. I realize how incredibly privileged I am to say that, to be perfectly clear. This is in no way a "make the best of this" type of post, because I cannot speak from the point of view of those that went through so much this year (illness, caring for ill loved one, homeschooling, job loss, being an essential worker through this all, being in the hardest hit populations to name a few). I'm also an introvert who loves working from home and got to do so for three months this spring, so I have that advantage. Those months that I was home I felt more like me than I have in ages.  So, I didn't really feel that during those months, blogging about how great I was doing when so many were struggling in so many ways, was really the best or most helpful thing to do. 

The last few months, though, have been tricky. I don't mean COVID related, though I do have extreme anxiety watching the complete disregard people have for science and their fellow humans. I've been feeling super not myself lately. By not myself, I don't mean it the way people say "I'm not sick, I just don't really feel myself". I mean that there are times it's tough to recognize myself. And honestly, when I think about it, minus the months I felt exceptionally better during quarantine, this has been building for years. I think about the woman who, at 19, spent a semester studying in Australia, traveling all over Australia and New Zealand on my own, taking 24 hour bus rides by myself, meeting new people, making new friends. I went sky diving and bungee jumping (twice on the latter). Now, I struggle to meet people's eyes to say hello. I am afraid to try a new recipe because "of course I'll mess it up!". And equally as bad, I care that I mess it up. Not like 'that's a bummer" but in a way that I make it mean something about my worth as a human. I feel frozen in making decisions, to take any chances, even the tiniest chances. I think back to the woman who graduated college a semester early, went home and immediate interviewed for and got offered two jobs in my field. The woman who, at 25 years old, was my company's head of National Employee Health and Fitness Day programs for all of the GSK sites in the US (I worked for a Fitness company that contracted there to run their health and fitness center). I think about the woman who started Chimera Travel at 26 years old, got a storefront, made it my own, jumped into running my own business. I did this shortly after graduating with my Master's Degree and simultaneously taking a 2 year correspondence course in travel while working full time. I think about the woman who sat on the board of PAMPI (now MPI PHL) for six years, working my way up to a VP position - and I think about how at my last board retreat our facilitator, who I'd never met, came up to me and said "I hear that everything you touch turns to gold." How I jumped as the President of my ASTA chapter, and immediately was nominated as the Secretary of the National President's Council (literally, at my first meeting as a president). I jumped into every one of these things whole-heartedly, with everything I had, convinced I was going to make an impact. Now, I struggle to decide which produce to pick out at the grocery store because I second guess myself about the simplest things. Now, the fear of failure makes inertia so strong that I'll sit on the couch thinking "I know I should something" (work on my business, get outside, clean the house, a mini adventure, whatever), but it's like my brain enters a cavernous space where I can't even think of what that something is let alone do it. Now, instead of boldly stating "I've decided I'd like to do this" or "I'm going to go for that", I ask permission of 10 different people 10 different ways with phrases like "Well, I mean, I was thinking, maybe if it's OK and not too much trouble, but if not, that's really OK I understand. Do you think that's a good idea?" 

I don't love this version of myself. That's an understatement, to be honest. I hate not recognizing myself. I can see the person I was, in my head. I could even write her in a story most likely. But I can't make that person come to life in actual life. I miss the fun, smiling, woman who wasn't afraid to take chances. I miss the woman who knew what she wanted, and that that she was going to succeed, or who at least had the confidence that she would. I miss the woman who believed in herself, who others believed in so strongly. I miss the woman who could be her quirky, weird, unique but hopefully lovable self, and didn't later spend hours over-analyzing everything I did, anxious that everyone thought badly of me (badly isn't actually the word I'm looking for but I can't think of a better one).  

I also don't love the anger that comes along with this loss of self. It's not always there, not pervasive. But I've noticed it lurking lately. I'm probably going to write another post about anger, because most people dislike addressing it, but I think it's extremely important. Anger masks so many other emotions and feelings, and without digging into it, we just perpetuate the anger, which eventually turns into bitterness and resentment - a place nobody wants to be. For a while, I wasn't sure what I was angry at. And don't get me wrong, there are things "out there" (in the world) that I'm angry about. But recently, I've realized that I'm dealing with a lot of anger and frustration at myself. I'm angry at myself. To be clear, I'm not angry at myself for my illness - it was certainly not something I chose, and I feel I'm trying my hardest to navigate it. I don't entirely know what I'm angry at myself for. But when I break it down, because I know anger in and of itself never last long, it's always masking, I find so much else. Frustration with myself for feeling stuck, for the apathy, for not taking steps I want to. Frustration and a bit of hopelessness at not being able to feel my own worth, at my lack of self esteem and confidence. Even though I know they're the result of a lot, including my illness, I'm frustrated. A feeling of hopelessness that I'll stay stuck in this cycle of perpetually not feeling enough and therefore not going for things or being myself and that leading me to feeling bad about myself. I'm discovering A TON of shame and blame and guilt over decisions of the past, especially regarding my business and storefront and monetary choices. I discover fear and anxiety deeper than I even realized and hurt. I'm finding so much I thought that I processed but never did fully. I know that I need to do that work. As much as I dislike feeling angry, I think it's actually a spark. I think often of the saying (paraphrasing) "Don't worry when I fight with you, it means I still care. Worry when I stop, it means there's nothing left to fight for." It's meant to be about fighting with others, but in my case, I take it about my anger with, or my fight with, myself. If I stopped caring that I wasn't myself, that's when I'd be even more concerned. As long as it bothers me, as long as I'm still willing to fight to get myself back, it means there's hope. So I'm trying to not be angry at myself for feeling angry (we have such negative emotions and stigma around anger, so this is tough), and instead using it as a sign that I need to continue to fight, to work extra hard to figure this out. I think I'm ready to do the work. I think I have to be ready. I need to keep up this fight while it's in me, to keep myself out of the hopelessness and despair that is always a threat living with depression. 

It feels good to write this all out though. I think that's an important step - acknowledging where I am. It also feels really good to be back on this blog. I didn't realize how good until I started writing. This is one of the few places I feel I can nearly fully be myself. I don't have to worry about branding or hashtags or themes or business mission or anything else (and I get that, that's what business is). I can just share how I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing. That's what a personal blog about my life with my illnesses (and my life in general) is about. Thanks for reading my hodgepodge of thoughts. I'm hoping to update this blog more often. I hope you're all doing as well as can be with all that's going on in the world right now. 

Being All-In On My Relationship With Myself

I know it's been a while since  I've written. I've both had a ton going on, and also been feeling stagnant, which seems like it would be counter-intuitive, but I find both happening at the same time.

I've been slowly building my yoga business.  I now teach one Benefit Yoga class each week, a weekly Barre class, and have a private client each week, though that happens to be my mom, so I'm not sure I can count it as actually having gotten my first private client. Still, though, I get to help someone (and bonus, someone I'm close to) through yoga, and watch how yoga helps her with each week that passes, celebrate progress with her, and make headway into my private yoga business.

Additionally, my novel has been out for about five months now, and despite the fact that I anticipated making about $5 ever on book sale royalties, each month I get some royalties, and I've well passed the $5 mark. I also exhibited at my first book fair in October, which was a great experience, and I even sold a few books.

But still, I feel stuck. I know, logically, that this year has had a lot of milestones. I've made a lot of progress.  But I'm struggling. Depression has been really rough the past few day I've spent a lot of time crying, though I don't especially know why. It hits at random times. Sometimes, it's a particular thought that induces it, but other times it just happens out of nowhere. And when it does, it feels like if only I could drain my body of tears, I'd feel better. Like I've been holding everything in, and it's finally spilling out, despite the fact that I cry numerous times a week, and sometimes, numerous times a day. Despite the fact that I go to therapy and I journal and I talk to trusted friends and loved ones, it feels like still, there's so much in some deep well inside of me that I need to get out.  It particularly likes to dwell on every decision from the past twenty years that I now question, everything I wish I'd done differently, every mistake I feel I've made. It likes to live in "if only" land. "If only you hadn't done such and such..." "If only you had chosen xyz".  Most of all, it likes to tell me that I be where I wanted if I'd only done things differently, and that therefore my unhappiness is all my fault. To be clear, I don't think my illness is my fault. But rather, my brain tells that the circumstances that I am unhappy about are.

And in some way, it's right. I made the choices I made. I took the actions I took. I made the decisions I made, many of which were gut-wrenchingly difficult, but I made them none the less. Or in some cases, they were made for me, and I chose how to respond to them, what to do in the aftermath. I also know that I tend to chase the dream, to be a "dive in the deep end and hope you know how to swim" type of person, and that once I have made that decision, I'm all in. I don't do anything - work, business, education/training, friendships, relationships, hobbies, passion projects, or anything else, half-assed. I'm all in, or all out. At the same time, I know that I often act, or don't act as the case may be, out of fear - fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of upsetting someone else, impostor syndrome (aka fear that I don't actually know what I'm doing and will be a found out), fear that I'm incapable, fear that everything negative anyone has ever said about me will be proven true. All of this combined - the blame, the judgement, the questioning myself, the fear - often leads me to feel like I can't trust myself, that I can't believe in myself.

And this, I believe, is what's at the core of everything for me. This is what my depression and anxiety (which, to clarify, I do NOT have a choice about because they are genetic illnesses) cling to. They hold tight to this lack of belief in myself, this lack of self-worth, this fact that I tie my worthiness, my enough-ness to external things like a job or having enough money, or relationships (of all types) or what others will think/say/etc about me, and they pull with all their might. They tell me on one hand that if I take this big leap, if I make these big changes, that I'll fail/be rejected/history will repeat itself. And then when I say "ok, so I'll wait a bit before doing that", they tell me that I'll never accomplish anything because I'm too afraid and don't go for it, that I'm not trying hard enough, that I'm lazy, that it's my fault I'm stagnating. They tell me to trust myself and when I do they tell me I'm doing it wrong, I'm incapable, I'm not enough. They get me in this catch-22, this tug of war where I feel frozen.

But so I have finally come to realize that my biggest goal right now, the thing I *do* need to be all in on, is not a particular career/job, not even to be successful at running my own business, it's not something specific within my external relationships, whatever type of relationships they are (family, friends, marriage, etc), though I certainly have these goals as well. My all-in goal is in my relationship to myself. To understand that my worth, my being enough, has nothing to do with anything outside of me, but instead, that I am enough and worthy exactly as I am. And that's not to say there aren't things I want to improve, because there certainly are. I love learning, I love working on my own growth, I love being open to new information and new experiences. And it doesn't mean that I don't compromise or adjust at times for people and circumstances in my life. It simply means my worthiness as a person, my enough-ness, is not intrinsically tied to them.

I want to be honest, I'm not a quite there yet in terms of believing this. I know it, logically, and on my good days, I can see it. But on my many tougher days, I'm not there. I understand it, I believe it for other people, but I can't truly believe it for myself. So I'm working on it. I've recently joined a group coaching community called The Clutch, and one of the tools that I've learned there are ladder thoughts - thoughts that help you get to the thought you actually want to have. They're not flashy, exciting thoughts. They're steps (aka rungs on a ladder) that help you step away from "I'm incapable, I'm not worthy, I'm not enough" and help you on your way toward "I am worthy and enough exactly as I am". So instead of trying to convince myself that I'm enough and worthy right now, when it feels like some sort of fairy tale that I'm telling myself but can't believe, I tell myself "It is possible that I am worthy and enough exactly as I am". Or I tell myself "It is possible that I have everything within me that I need to create the life I want". Or "It is possible that my worthiness is not connected to anything external". These allow me to dip my toe into the idea that maybe I am more worthy than I give myself credit for, without requiring that I magically jump from one end of the spectrum to the other. And this is especially helpful on days when depression and anxiety are in full gear, because on those days, it feels absolutely impossible that I could be enough and worthy exactly as I am, and trying to think this feels futile in those moments. It only makes me feel worse about myself, that I can't see it. So I practice these in between thoughts, that feel more possible, that give me hope, even in the darkest moments, that I might get there. And I realize that this might not seem like I'm all-in in this relationship with myself, but I am. Because I finally realize, really realize, not just logically know, that this is they key piece, that no matter what else I do in my life, no matter what else I accomplish, if I do not feel worthy or enough to myself, I will always feel like I'm missing something.

I know this is a long post, and a bit rambling. But I wanted to write it for three reasons - 1.) In case you, too, struggle with these types of thoughts, I want you to know, as always, that you are not alone, and that I understand and am here. 2.) Because part of this process is being really honest with myself, and sometimes I find it most effective to write it here - ,putting it in writing makes it feel really real, and while painful, helps me to move through it and with it, so that I don't get mired down in it. 3.)  When I was thinking this morning, as I was crying ugly tears into my morning coffee, thinking about who I am deep down, what I'm really passionate about, and where I feel I've made any impact at all in my life, I thought about this blog, and the mood disorders group I started on Facebook. I thought about how so many people, often times people I had no idea where struggling, have reached out and told me how reading my posts, or being able to share in the group, has helped them. It reminded me that I do make an impact, that I do have something I'm able to offer the world, and that I do help people. And it made me realize that I've been away from this blog for too long, and that this is one of the things in my life that I'm truly passionate about, and so I wanted to share this here.

Thank you for reading this incredibly long post. As always, my messages, inbox, text, etc are always open if you need to reach out. Much love to you all.