Tuesday, November 20, 2018

My Experience of Attempting To Not Complain

As part of my yoga teacher training, we had an assignment to practice Ahimsa. If you're unfamiliar with ahimsa, more or less, it's non-harming or non-violence. Now if you know anything about me, the vegetarian who literally can't harm a fly, balls my eyes out at SPCA commercials (damn you Sarah McLaughlin and your perfectly depressing songs), and who apologizes to inanimate objects for bumping into them, you're probably thinking, "Yeah violence isn't really your strong suit, so I think you're good." But something I'm becoming increasingly aware of is this: harming comes in many forms, and it doesn't always hit you over the head - literally or figuratively.

For this Ahimsa practice, the general idea was that we had to pick an action, or more likely pattern of behavior, that could be harmful to others, and to work on addressing this. Partly because I'm quite excellent at finding fault with myself, and partly because I'm a human being and most of us are far from perfect, I actually had a good number of these to choose from. Ultimately, what I chose was to (attempt to) stop complaining to other people. (Notable exception: I didn't count my therapist ... maybe I should have, not really sure on that one. I feel like that's a fine line.)
 

The reason I chose this challenge? Complaining is one of those things that seems to sneak into our repertoire, often under the radar.  Unless we're actively going to lodge a complaint (calling a company about bad customer service, speaking to HR at work about an issue), we generally don't go around in our daily lives with the purpose of complaining. And because we don't go around intentionally complaining, because it slowly slips its way into our actions, we often don't realize we're doing it. But those around us do. And it can be super draining on them. If you've ever had a friend or family member who, every single time you ask how their day was, launches into a list of why it was so stressful or boring or frustrating, you probably know what I'm talking about. After a while, you don't see the point in even asking. We all have enough stressors going on in our life, in the world, and especially when it's the same thing day after day, we don't need the added negativity. And unfortunately, I realized I was becoming (or some might argue already being) that person. And I don't like that. Not at all. So this, I decided, would be my challenge.

Admittedly this doesn't seem like it should be all that tough. Just. don't. complain. Right? It isn't as easy as it sounds, and it's actually been  a pretty enlightening experience thus far (enlightening in the lay person sense, not in the yogic 'enlightenment' sense.) I actually have been learning quite a bit throughout this practice, and I thought some of it worth sharing.

1. I learned that I complain a lot. A lot more than I even thought I did. It's amazing, when you start to pay attention, when you start to be more present to your words and actions, what you discover about yourself.

2. When you are opting to pay more attention to complaining, it means you're paying more attention to complaining... all of it. Including that of others.Which means that you may increasingly notice how much others complain, and that could have an impact on you.

3. My complaining isn't always intentional. This isn't an excuse, just an observation. It's so easy to get caught up in the, "This traffic sucks. It's so cold out. Work was so (insert adjective) today...". It's especially difficult when part of a group. (See point 4)

4. As a socially anxious introvert, I dislike small talk. But unfortunately, it tends to be a part of almost daily life. It's often tough for me to (not super awkwardly) join in conversations. So I realized sometimes, I was participating in complaining just to be part of the conversation. Because sadly, I've learned that when everyone is hell bent on complaining about something (the weather, traffic, whatever) and you smile and pipe in with a positive comment instead, you've somehow committed a greater social faux pas than if you'd walked into the room, farted loudly, and left.

5.  Not every negative statement is a complaint. There's a thin line, at times, between complaining, discussing, and confiding. This was a really tough one for me. I'm not good with gray areas or blurry lines, so I tend to categorize things in absolutes - right/wrong, good/bad, positive/negative.  I noticed when I actively started  trying not to complain, that I was basically putting a nice "I'm fine" gloss on everything. But this isn't ideal, because sometimes things aren't fine, and they need to be discussed. Whether it's because you're legitimately not feeling well and need to let someone know, or an issue that comes up between people, sometimes, difficult/not overly positive conversations need to be had. That's different than complaining. It serves a specific purpose.


I have found that when the above question is murky, journaling/writing down my thoughts helps. If writing about the issue "gets it out of my system", then it was probably just complaining - i.e. I needed to vent about something, I did so to my journal, and now I'm good. But if I notice that it's a consistent pattern, there may be more to it. And to clarify, by consistent pattern, I don't mean "Every day the traffic on 95 at rush hour is terrible" kind of a pattern. I mean that if you notice that you're repeatedly writing that a specific friend is saying things that hurt you, or day after day you're feeling depressed or anxious about a specific situation, then it's probably something that needs to be addressed or discussed.

I have also found that turning the complaint inward - i.e. running it over and over in your head just so you don't have to say it out loud to someone and "be complaining" - doesn't help. It might help the other person in the short term, but eventually, it's going to build up for you. It'll weigh heavily on you, and in the long run, it'll probably affect them too (because none of us live in a bubble, and peole can often tell when something's wrong even if we aren't saying it). So by all means, write it down, discuss it with your therapist (as applicable), do what you have to do to vent it out. But then, if it's not something that really warrants further addressing, let it go. Because I do get that sometimes, complaining feels good. But in all honesty, I've found that letting shit go feels a lot better. 

Monday, November 19, 2018

If You Need Some Gentle Reminders on Your Own Self Worth

I haven't written in a while. In truth, I've been both super busy, and also struggling. Today, I'm especially struggling. And in case you are too, I wanted to send along a few reminders. I know these things are easy to forget, or convince yourself of, in tough times. So if you need them today like I do, I hope they offer some solace.

1. You are not your thoughts. Depression and anxiety can be a$$holes, and they like to lie to us a lot. "You're not good enough. Your lazy. Your selfish. You're a failure. You'll get rejected. You're stupid...." and the list goes on and on. But just like a bully that's trying to lie to make you doubt yourself, just because someone (including your own brain) says it, doesn't mean it's true. I know not believing these lies are easier said than done.

2. To build on this, don't ever let anyone tell you you're not enough. Including yourself. You are enough. Period. Remember that "enough" is subjective. It's an opinion. And by definition, that means it can't be a fact.

3. A bad hour doesn't make a bad day. A bad day doesn't make a bad week. A bad week doesn't make a bad month. I once told my therapist that a day was ruined because of something (not overly consequential) that took up less than an hour. She reminded me I still had 23 more hours to make it a good day. And if you can't, you can get up again and try again tomorrow.

4. On that note, sometimes the biggest accomplishment you may have in a day is getting through it.  If this seems like a small achievement, remember that you've done battle with one of the biggest, most cunning, most ruthless opponents in existence, and you've come out on the other side. That's huge.

5. Being vulnerable is not a weakness. Opening about the way you feel takes so much strength and courage. Even if the only person you're opening up to is yourself.

6.  It is not your job to change other people's opinions of you. Because you cannot control other people's thoughts, even when you want to. Hell, half the time it feels tough enough to control my own (high five, anxiety). Do the best you can. Be the best version of you that you can be.

7. Remember that different isn't better or worse, it's different. Just because you may not see or feel or experience things the way others do doesn't mean you're views or ways or feelings or thoughts are wrong. They're different. Again, opinions are not facts. Even when others, or your own brain, try to convince you that they are.

8. If you're looking at others feeling like they have their shit together and you're floundering, remember that someone is looking at you feeling that exact same way in the reverse.

9. When you feel alone in your depression or anxiety, remember that 1 in 5 Americans has a mental health condition. It may often feel it, but you are far from alone.