In my last post, I shared how I've been struggling with my emotional and mental health, and have started digging deep into some healing work with the help of my therapist. One of the challenges that's been especially frustrating for me is that I haven't felt like myself lately. And by lately, I actually mean it's been quite a while, but it's something that's been slowly building, that I noticed glimpses of from time to time, but that I hadn't stopped to actually fully digest and think about.
I acknowledge that many of us have likely felt this way over the past year and a half, when so much of what we thought of as an integral part of "who we are and what we do", vanished. Whether it was losing a job during the pandemic that had been an integral part of your life for years, or the inability to do the activities that you're so passionate about, or the changes you noticed within yourself when we were all quarantined and couldn't see one another, I suspect this year has had a bit of a "what's going on and who am I and what is this life" affect on a large number of people. For me though, it's more than that. Yes, I absolutely miss traveling, and running my travel business full time (which was something I stopped doing full time pre-pandemic, but pandemic made it obvious that it wasn't going to be an option any time soon). Obviously, I missed seeing loved ones when restrictions were at their tightest and still miss seeing so many friends. I miss teaching yoga in person, being able to participate in group activities. The loneliness and isolation is something I've shared about in both my previous post and on social media. But this is more than that.
What I've noticed is that the vibrance has drained out of me. I've always been a person that's absolutely loved living life. Even when life was at its toughest (and those of you close to me know that there have been some extremely tough and dark times), I've always been a passionate person, a person with so many ideas and convictions and thoughts and opinions. I've always had a project or a plan I'm excited about, and if I don't, I find one or I create one. To be clear, I don't do this to "keep busy". I do this because I live life curiously and immersively (if that's a word). When I was younger (teens, early adult-hood), I was never been a person that's afraid to take up space in the world. I was optimistic and hopeful, and granted, some of it could have been naivety, but most of it wasn't. Most of it was that I believed that I was capable and worthy and enough. I think about myself as a teenager, when I tried out for every single solo in chorus (and I got one every year), or all through gymnastics when I routinely did the hardest level routines I could. I never thought "I might try to do this and not make it". In fact, it was a bit the opposite - I'd be like "eh, you know what, I think I'm going to throw this trick in competition that I've literally never landed in practice". (I can't say I recommend this by the way - I did a lot of landing on my head and crotching the beam in my teen years). Or even as an adult, when I quit my full time job to start my travel business in a brick and mortar storefront. I literally never had the thought "what if I don't succeed". And again, this isn't the best business strategy, I realize 16 years later, to not think of what could go wrong. But the point is, I didn't doubt myself. I went after my dreams because I was sure I could make them happen.
And yet over the years, I've watched this shift drastically. I've watched my belief in myself, my feeling of worthiness and being capable, my self-acceptance all but disintegrate. I've watched myself step into the background. I've watched myself become a people pleaser, a person so afraid to rock the boat. I've watched myself fold in on myself, absorbing everyone around me until I'm not sure which ways of doing things, which preferences ,are my own, and which are other people's that I've taken on. It's like if for years, the only clothes you owned were ones other people bought for you. Then one day someone asked you what your style was, and you realize you have no idea, because for years you've only every dressed in clothes others gave you. It's not that others were ill-meaning in buying you clothes - in fact, probably quite the opposite, they wanted to do something nice for you. And it's not that you don't appreciate the clothes, you do. But you have no idea what style is actually yours without any other influence. What do you actually want to wear? What do you feel best in? What makes you feel most like you?
I want to be clear, I'm not talking about accepting everyone else's ideas without thought. For instance take my vegetarianism and not buying animal products- I'm not going to start eating meat and buying leather if others tell me I should (note: they don't, this was just an easy example). My morals and ethics and values are not up for debate, and in these thing, I know exactly who I am. But it's the smaller pieces of life, the "what do you want to do" or "how should we do this" type of the decisions we make every day, that don't seem like they'll alter you all that much, but when they're constantly filtered through everyone else's preferences and wants and needs, end up adding up. Eventually you realize you're not even sure what the answer to these types of questions are without all of the external influences. I've also noticed that this is leading to inertia, which I adamantly dislike feeling. I can't really explain why, except that when you feel like you're not really yourself, it's tough to be motivated. You stop making suggestions or voicing your opinion or taking initiative, not only with others, but with yourself. In turn, that makes me feel even less like myself, and it becomes a vicious cycle.
This is where I have been lately, and although I know it's a pattern for me, it's really hitting home this time. I know, if I can get past the low self-esteem and lack of confidence and low self-worth, that my opinions are valuable, that I have something to offer others, the world, by being myself. So, along with the work that I'm doing with my therapist, I've started a new daily ritual. Each day, I list two things that I want to do - they're often seemingly insignificant things, small things that I need or want to get done, or occasionally, small ways of treating myself, to remind myself that I matter. It might be something fun or silly, it might be something that needs to get done and I've been putting it off. And each day, I've been working to make sure that I do these two things. Not only does it give me a feeling of autonomy, because I'm the person choosing these things and doing them, but it helps me push through the inertia, which then makes me feel better about myself, more like the self that has was such a self-starter, so determined and passionate and felt like she could make things happen.
It's not a momentous change. In fact, if I'd not written about it, I doubt anyone else would even know it. But it's taking the daunting and often impossible-feeling task of "rediscover myself" and breaking it down to manageable pieces and daily action steps, that I'm hopeful can get me there little by little.
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