Finding a Purpose

When you get diagnosed with a condition that you're going to have for the rest of your life, and battle for a good number of those days, there is rush of emotions. First, you're glad to have an answer. Better yet, you're glad that there's medication that can help with it - though unfortunately not cure it, but it's a start, and it's hope. Next, you go (or at least I went) into "I'm going to take this on and win" mode. Then, reality sets in. Knowing what you're diagnosed with doesn't mean that you can conquer the world. It means, well, you know what you're diagnosed with. It also means that you can start to understand it, treat it, and most importantly, deal with it.

After a while, you get into a rhythm. You have good days and bad days, up days and down days. Then at some point, you have a really bad day, or week, or month. Your optimism takes a big hit. In the case of mood disorders specifically, it may start to affect not only you, but those around you, those you care about. This is when many people, and I'll admit myself included, get into the "why me" phase. You have a terrible day, it's not fair, you're doing every thing you can, why do you have to deal with this, etc. There are two schools of thought in this. One is what I call the 'there are starving kids in Africa' approach, which is when people tell you things like "it could be worse", "there's always someone worse off", "at least you have....".  Fair enough, these are true and it is important not to always let it get you down. But guess what - it's also true that it's not fair and you didn't do anything to "deserve" this. It's a delicate balance for yourself and those around you.

Just before I started focusing this blog on my new journey, I was in the "this isn't fair, why do I have to deal with this" phase. Then something shifted. Slowly. Very slowly. I started to realize that yes, perhaps it isn't fair. But I don't have a choice. I can't give my cyclothymia back and say "no thanks, what else do you have that might not suck as much, because this isn't working out too well?" It was time to stop being a diagnosis and start being me again, as I discussed in the first post I wrote about my journey. Equally as important, it was time to start being ok with having the diagnosis and stop trying to hide. All of a sudden I stopped being afraid of what people thought, and this was monumental.

Unfortunately, I was still feeling lost. I knew I wanted to work on myself, but I was still having trouble with my "purpose". I don't typically believe the familiar statement that "everything happens for a reason". But somehow I couldn't help shake the idea that if I was going to have to deal with this pain in the a** of a condition, there must be a really good reason for it. Put a different way, I had to do something with this condition other than feel bad about it. Gradually, it started to occur to me. Other people were reading my posts, commenting on my Facebook page when I discussed some of my issues, "liking" my thoughts about my journey in various discussion forums. People were actually saying I inspired them. And just like that, it hit me over the head like a ton of bricks (though much more enjoyable, fortunately). I was living with this because I was not only strong enough to deal with it, but because I was strong enough to help others dealing with this and similar mood disorders.

This week I started a Facebook group called, appropriately, Mood Disorders Support System. Right now, it has a very impressive 8 members, several of whom I personally said "hey, I know you're going through something, please join my group, I think it will help". But it also brought in a few people that surprised me, that I didn't realize were going through these troubles. I actually find myself feeling closer to these people, discussing things with them that I don't even discuss with some of my close friends because I feel more understood with these group members. For the first time in a long time I'm started to feel empowered rather than overpowered by my condition. I'm truly hoping to grow this group. I'd love for it to be live some day. My next step is to put together more concrete goals and a plan for expanding my reach and ability to help people with mood disorders. I don't mind that it's not a paying job  (because I have one that is). It's a passion. It's something that I need, and that others need. Even if right now it's only 8 of them.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I don't feel quite so lost. When I'm having a bad time, I can reach out to my peers who deal with similar issues. I can, in return, help them with theirs, if even just by listening and letting them vent. Having a group such as this helps you reason through things and take your own advice. Discussing with others provides a deeper understanding, because it allows you to look at an issue you have, but not when you're in the thick of it, frustrated, confused or upset.

I am wide open to any suggestions people may have for my new mission, for getting people involved in the group and for goals down the road. For those already participating, I can't thank you enough, and I truly hope this can help you as much as it's already helping me. For those that are interested in joining the group, you can either search for it on Facebook or you can just tell me and I can add you (though you might have to be my Facebook friend for this second option - I'm still learning the group rules). For confidentiality reasons, it's a closed group. This means that anyone can request to join, but I have to "approve" them, and it allows only the people in the group to see the content. I feel this makes for more honest and open sharing, as people feel more safe to do so.

To close this blog I'd like to thank all of the women of the I AM WOMAN Facebook group, who unknowingly inspired this a-ha moment. I was discussing within the group about things I've gone through and how I'd love to be able to help others going through similar issues, when all of a sudden it dawned on me that I already am and I can continue to do more. So thank you, all you amazing WOMEN, for helping me find my purpose, even if unplanned.

Why I'm Great. Seriously.

I've read in several sources that a good way to help build one's self confidence/self esteem is to create a compliments list. Things that others love about you that you might not see in yourself or that you might so often take for granted about yourself that you don't see them as a big deal. If others recognize you for them and are willing to say them out loud, then why shouldn't you see them in yourself, and be proud of them. I want to clarify that I am not writing this post for anyone but myself. It's not to convince anyone of anything - heck, others were the ones that gave the compliments. It's simply a way for me to be reminded of  those positive attributes about myself that I can't always see.

Yesterday, I took the bold move on Facebook of listing a few qualities that I liked about myself and asking my friends to fill in the rest. I say bold because it could be entirely possible no one would respond, and that certainly wouldn't have the affect of boosting my confidence. Luckily, that's not how it played out. Here are some of the things they said about me (in no particular order other than the one they replied in):

I'm Energetic
I'm a very strong woman
I handle things gracefully (I'm not sure about this, but if they think so, I won't deny it)
I put my heart into everything I do
I'm fun
I'm an animal lover
I have a good heart
I'm compassionate
I'm creative in everything I do
My love of travel is inspirational
I'm fearlessness and courage about caring and sharing
I'm genuine
I'm analytical
I have a great sense of humor
I am a dreamer
I'm extremely committed to my word
Absolute honesty

I literally welled up with tears reading some of these. One of the things that hit me the most was that these didn't all come from my best friends or family (though some certainly did). These are the thoughts of old friends, new friends, casual friends, close friends, all put together. The fact that people that I haven't known all that long can tell me what a good heart I have or how fearless and courageous I am was so amazing to me.

Now, in fairness, there were some traits not added here because (or I hope because) I had already stated them as a few things I liked about myself and asked people not to duplicate. Since it's also important to share what I see as some of my favorite qualities, here were mine: I'm intelligent, I'm unfalteringly loyal, I make people laugh.

I highly suggest this activity to anyone who might need a reminder about why they're great. Keep it somewhere. Print it out and hang it by your desk, your bed, your mirror. Anywhere you're bound to see it. Repeat it to yourself when you feel down or bad about yourself. These are the reasons people love you. Why should you not love yourself for the same reasons?

This picture pretty much sums up how I feel after reading and digesting all of those compliments:

Awesome

Vacation and Life Lessons

I've been neglecting my blogging (and basically everything else) as I've been traveling in Peru for the last 11 days. First, let me start off by saying it was an amazing trip and I highly suggest visiting this magnificently surprising country. With that out of the way, I am winding back to what I've decided will be the theme for this blog for the time being - my journey at this challenging time in my life. During my travels, I learned several important lessons, not just about travel, but about life. Some I learned by doing things right, some the hard way, and most a combination of the two.  These might be obvious lessons to others. In fact, some are tactics I know quite well logically, but holding to them is easier said than done, as the cliche goes. I'm working on working on these upon my return. And yes, I realize that working on working on something isn't exactly a sparkling inspiratory phrase, but it's the most brutally honest and if there's one thing I am, it's brutally honest.

Resort in Urubamba, Peru 

1. It's all about right now. Yes, we hear this so often in various forms but I think one needs to truly experience it in full effect before comprehending it on more than a surface level. Vacation is a perfect time to practice this. It doesn't last forever, or even for very long. If you don't enjoy each moment of it, you'll be looking at the pictures vaguely remembering a few details and wondering where the time went. Much of the time, I was able to do this and it helped create so many invaluable experiences. The times I failed at this - as anyone making a major transition in their life is bound to do - it cost me, and I regret that I wasn't able to just enjoy the current moment.

2. Prioritize. Life is all about priorities. You never want to be so focused on which outfit to wear each day of your trip that you miss the actual experiences you went for. Luckily, I didn't literally learn from this specific example, as I would much rather be out and about than picking out an outfit any day (as one can often tell from my outfits).  Once again the limited time one has on vacation is a great teacher of choosing what's most important and where to focus your energies and, equally as important, where not to.

3. Make sure your motives align with your actions. Using travel as an example, don't just go see some famous landmark because everyone says you should, when really you'd rather be exploring some off-the- beaten-path neighborhood that only locals enjoy. Same with life. Look at your motives, and look at your actions. Do they align? Don't only look at them from your own point of view because of course your point of view always seems right to you. Look at them through the eyes of others as well - not specifically to appease others, but also because it may help you to see the situation better as a whole, and be more effective in the long run.

My boot after traipsing through the mud in the Peruvian Amazon Rainforest

4.  Step out of your comfort zone, even if you have to tiptoe. One of my stops on this trip was the Amazon Rainforest. Adventurous right? Before you agree, let me let you in on a secret - my "cabana" had a private plunge pool. But still, the rainforest experience was a bit of an important step for me. Here are a few reasons why: I'm quite allergic to mosquito bites. Needless to say, the rainforest is a haven for mosquitos. I don't like to rough it, at all. We didn't have electricity for about 4 hours of the day and 6 hours at night, including not even a fan in our room at 90+ degrees and about 120% humidity. We also had crawly creatures in our room and bathroom. I strongly dislike and feel uncomfortable in group tours and activities. We had to do some excursions with a group and we had scheduled meal times. My point is, it wasn't a gigantic leap but it wasn't the skyscraper Westin in bustling Lima that we'd had at the start of the trip. I didn't have complete control over everything and I dealt with this, even really enjoyed the overall experience (though still not the crawly things in the bathroom). This small example of enjoying something where I didn't have complete control is, in fact, huge.

I'm sure I've learned more over the past 11 days, but you can only work on so many things at once.  I'm happy to discuss in further detail with anyone that has learned important life lessons while traveling. In the mean time, stay tuned for another blog soon, possibly tomorrow! 

One Week In

Last week I wrote a very open and somewhat difficult blog about a transition I'm making in my life. First off, let me say that the response I received was incredibly positive. I got numerous comments on my Facebook page when I posted the blog link, along with private messages from those who have gone through similar times who were excited for and proud of me. So thank you. It truly means a lot.  What a great way to start this off. While this journey is focused on this decision to work and focus on myself, no person is an island, and support during these times is a key element.

As promised, I am keeping people updated during this process via my blog, and thought I'd "check in" after my first week or so. Upon reading my last blog, someone asked me what my first step was, and that's an excellent question. Besides the obvious answer of deciding to do this, my first step is to start to adjust my thinking. Actually, before I can even do that, I have to know what thinking to adjust. On closer observation throughout this past week, I caught causing my own stress, in a variety of ways, numerous times. Whether it was doing something for someone else at the expense of myself, letting my brain get ahead of me and extrapolating a long list of difficulties that hadn't happened yet, or just not taking a step back and taking a deep breath, I was amazed at how aware one can become of their actions if they only look for them. I was further amazed at the number of times that the cause of the stress was me, and how much I could help myself if I just focused on these more closely. As the old adage goes, though, easier said than done.

I do want to be clear on one point before I continue: I'm in no way saying that I was exaggerating things that weren't actual concerns. I've had a lot of major personal blows in the past few years and I certainly have had every right to be upset, frustrated, stressed out, hurt, you name it. However, in paying attention to myself, I realized that some of my reactions to these did more harm than good, and that in dealing with the situations, I was hurting myself further. I can't necessarily help it if others hurt me (other addressing it with the persons involved to prevent it from happening again). I can, though, not make it tougher on myself.

With that out of the way, I'll continue. I've realized that observing myself in this way could take a few weeks. It's one thing to notice an action or thought in a particular instance - that's a great start. But building the capacity to catch oneself regularly and make adjustments, until you notice those actions occurring less and less, is quite a process. Furthermore, making these changes in a wide variety of situations - good moods, bad moods, at home, away from home, alone, in the company of others, and so on adds to the complexity. I'm considering documenting the actions I notice to see what trends I find, so that I can break down the various actions and situations. They say it takes six weeks to form a habit, and I'd say that's probably right. For someone with a lot of energy and little ability to wait like me, this practice of patience could be  the most troublesome part of the task.  I'm hoping to resurrect my meditation and yoga practices (or at least one of the two at the moment) to assist with this patience issue. My inability to have patience comes from, I believe, my need to feel I am always moving forward in a process. Even if it's just one tiny baby step a day, this forward progress gives me the motivation to keep moving and the confidence that I'm on the right track. Does anyone have any tool for working on patience or lack thereof? I'd love to hear it!

Now for something slightly unrelated but not completely, I leave for Peru Wednesday (the 29th). It's a combination of business and pleasure, and it certainly fills the "do something for yourself" requisite. I'm incredibly excited. Travel virtually always helps me reflect, clear my mind, and just have fun, and I think this trip will be great for that. If I don't get to post while I'm away, I'll update when I return. Until then, thanks for reading and I look forward to your thoughts! 

Break It Down

Sometimes when life gives you lemons you make lemonade. Sometimes you take the lemon and throw it at the head of someone upsetting your life (kidding, I hope). Sometimes, you need a totally different approach all together because neither putting on the rose colored glasses or taking out your aggressions on someone will work. At least not in the long run.

2012 hasn't been kind to me, despite my super positive predictions for it. I was ready to take it on, excited about the prospects. Suffice it to say, those prospects didn't go as I thought they might.  In fact, that's an incredible understatement. Basically, 2012 has more or less kicked me in the ass.

So what to do when that happens? Well here are some options: mope and whine (I've done my fair share of this to my best friends, I'll admit); get super pumped up that you're going to change the world but get knocked down with the next difficult thing because in actuality you have no idea what to do (the constant self-improver of me tends to do this); or you can break it all down, and build it all back up. With the help of someone trusted, I'm doing just this. And you know what the really startling part is ... guess who I'm doing this for? Me! (gasp). I have a major issue with people's selfishness - as in I don't understand it at all. I bend over backwards to make other people happy, forgive their mistakes, take care of them. So much so that I could probably be in the circus for all of my flexibility. It often is a detriment to myself and to others, who don't learn to take responsibility for their actions because I always try to make it ok. This time, though, I'm doing this for me.

The honest truth is that it's downright scary. It is causing me to face my worst fears. It's causing me to be very honest about myself. Here's the trickiest part of all: it's forcing me to understand and accept that  when things go wrong it's not always my fault. You see, it's easy when everything is your fault - it gives you control to make everything better, fix everything, constantly work on a situation - often to no avail. It causes a tremendous amount of pressure to be perfect, but it gives you the feeling of control. For a control freak and perfectionist like me, this is perfect! Right? Here's the kicker - it's not really control, it's just helplessly trying to control things that you can't, and it results in a vicious cycle of frustration and negativity for you and others. When you fully understand that it's not all your fault, it's damn frightening. Because if you can't fix everything who can? The jaw dropping and admittedly terrifying answer is "no one".  Oh my gosh, I don't have all the control! What do you mean? Yep, that's how it goes.

There are, without a doubt, going to be rough times throughout this process. Mainly because I'm completely breaking down so many of the thoughts that I "knew".  It's a day by day, step by step process. I've truly never just focused on me, at least not for any length of time, and I think that will be my toughest challenge. It feels terribly selfish and I hate selfish, almost above anything else. I have to remember that what comes out on the other side of this process, hopefully, is not only better for me, but for those in my life. In that sense, it's not selfish at all. It's making a better me, and creating better relationships with those in my life.

Has anyone else gone through this type of process?  Anyone else going through this right now? I'd love to hear from you. I'd love to share stories and draw from each others' energy and strength. I plan to keep people posted via my blog (and in private for those that have more personal questions or don't want to discuss in public, which I completely understand). I've always been open about my life, my triumphs and my struggles. If people judge me because of my "issues", they're not the type of people I want in my life. Period. If I can inspire and help someone even the tiniest bit with my journey, fantastic! 

Why Elephants?

Someone recently asked me why I liked elephants. I don't remember the exact reply, but I believe I'd had too much coffee (or perhaps too little) and didn't actually give a very clear or intelligible answer. So many people inquire about my love of elephants that I thought it warranted an explanation in the form of a short blog. So, here you go. 

Bronson, my adopted pygmy elephant from Borneo.
(Photo courtesy of WWF)

As most people know, I love animals in general. I don't eat meat - or seafood, poultry or pork -  I don't wear leather or suede, I donate $1 to homeless animals every time I shop at Petsmart. So the fact that I'm so attached to an animal species should not come as a huge surprise to anyone.

Elephants have so much going for them. First off, they're also vegetarians. So they get big points there. Secondly, they have so much history. Their earlier relatives lived hundreds of thousands of years ago (or there abouts, I'm not writing a historical piece here). They've evolved a bit, but you have to admit, they do still look somewhat pre-historic. They have strong family values. Families travel together, and they rarely let anyone wander off on their own. They've been known to stay back to help an injured family member, all risking their lives to not let one of their own be left behind. If a mother dies, the others in the family take her young under their wing. I mean, these family values aren't even common in some humans, let alone other animals. Then you have their abilities.  For big guys and girls, they can move pretty fast. They're very smart; you know the phrase "memory of an elephant?" There's a reason for that.

Elephant back safari, Zimbabwe
(Photo by Michael Northen)

I've watched elephants roll in the mud and play on the banks on the Chobe River. I've seen them bathe in the river, utilizing their trunks as a large hose. I've had a stand off (in a jeep, with a guide, thank goodness) with a large male elephant. He won. We respected the species all the more for it. I've ridden on the back of an elephant through the river valleys in Zimbabwe. I've fed them food out of my hand. They're truly incredible creatures. They're generally peaceful but willing to defend what's theirs, or what they want to be theirs. They can be graceful, gentle, playful, loving, committed to their families. If you've interacted with them like I have, I can't imagine that you'd not only love them, but have a tremendous respect for these giant, intelligent creatures.

Jeep safari standoff with an elephant. No zoom used.
(Photo by Michael Northen)

Elephant bathing in the Chobe River.
(Photo by Michael Norhten)

New Year's Non-Resolutions

I don't make New Year's Resolutions. Why? Because I am willing to bet that 90% of the 'I'm finally going to lose weight and get in shape" worker-outers who flock to the gym January 2nd will be greatly less enthusiastic by February 2nd. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that people want to lose weigh, get in shape, eat healthy, fill in your resolution here. But I don't make New Year's Resolutions for one simple reason - I won't keep them. I know this before I make them. I haven't kept them in 32 years, why would that change now? (minus some life altering news or something that would inspire change regardless of the time of year.)

I'm a business owner, a planner, an organizer, a life long self-improvement junky; I was a psychology minor in college. I'm constantly trying to improve and grow, year round. Suddenly deciding on the last day of the year that next year is going to be the year for x, y, z gives me a ton of motivation.... for about a week, maybe two. I'd venture to guess that's the same with many resolutioners. After all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, right? Here's why: life happens. It gets "in the way". Maybe you get sick and physically cannot go to the gym. Maybe your finances change and you can't take that trip, start that project, take that new position that you planned on. It's understandable and it's the reason I don't make resolutions.

Instead, I'm much more boring. I make goals. I write them down, the good old pencil and paper/sticky note way. (I'm also a list-making junky).  I break them down into smaller steps. I make sure to add a place to check off when I've completed each step. Doesn't it feel good to cross things off your list?

Then I tell someone, several people, anyone that will listen. Why? Because then others hold you accountable. When you swear to 10 different people that you're going to go to the gym and run on the treadmill 3 days a week for the next 6 months, it's a lot tougher to face them with excuses (this was not, by the way, my goal; it's just a classic example). It sounds silly, but it's true. Important, here, is that I tell the right people - those that I know will actually ask me about my goals and not let me make excuses, at least not many. I figure at least one of them has to call me out on it!

I make a spectrum of goals. I know everyone these days seems to be into "living in the moment", "going with the flow". That's all well and good with smaller, day to day things, but with more important issues it begs the question: where do I want to go/be/do? If I have no intermediate and long-range goals, the minute my "in the moment" plan gets a kink in it, I don't know what to do. And by "I", I mean me, you, humans (and possibly other intelligent living beings) in general. Try telling your boss you didn't get the project done because you were going with the flow and the flow was all going to happy hour. How'd that go over?  You have to have long range goals, because you may need to adjust the smaller ones in order to get you where you want to go when life happens.

I put a date next to each step, and the ultimate goal. Furthermore, I tell people this date - once again, accountability. Then, I treat this date like a deadline from a boss, a homework assignment, the TV program I absolutely couldn't miss for anything (for the record, I have none of these), whatever will motivate me not to ignore it. Then, I go ahead and do what I need to do to make those deadlines.

Finally, I make sure I'm serious about my goals and that there aren't too many of them. Not everything is a goal. "I want to get a new pair of red heels" is not a goal - it's a shopping list item, or maybe a gift list item. But it's not a goal. Otherwise, the importance of goals gets diluted, which is often when makes it feel ok to make excuses.

So, all this said, what are my goals for this year?  Well, I said I tell people, so here I go:

1. I've created a workout plan for myself, with a tracking sheet to check off my workouts and make myself stick to the plan/goal. I'm happy to show it to you if you'd like to see. Ultimately, I want to ride and complete the MS 150 bike ride this fall, and just get back into my overall health pattern.

2. I want to get back into yoga and meditation at least twice a week. These are also included on the tracking sheet above.

3. I am going to focus on the social media and blogging end of my business much more. I've got details written down on this. They're more specific but too long to write here, but they're recorded.

4. I'm going to spend more time with my friends. I've been a bit of a loner the last few months.

5. Well, this one I can't tell you, but I promise you that several people know. :-)

So there you have it. My New Year's Non-Resolutions. What are yours? How are you doing with them?