2012 hasn't been kind to me, despite my super positive predictions for it. I was ready to take it on, excited about the prospects. Suffice it to say, those prospects didn't go as I thought they might. In fact, that's an incredible understatement. Basically, 2012 has more or less kicked me in the ass.
So what to do when that happens? Well here are some options: mope and whine (I've done my fair share of this to my best friends, I'll admit); get super pumped up that you're going to change the world but get knocked down with the next difficult thing because in actuality you have no idea what to do (the constant self-improver of me tends to do this); or you can break it all down, and build it all back up. With the help of someone trusted, I'm doing just this. And you know what the really startling part is ... guess who I'm doing this for? Me! (gasp). I have a major issue with people's selfishness - as in I don't understand it at all. I bend over backwards to make other people happy, forgive their mistakes, take care of them. So much so that I could probably be in the circus for all of my flexibility. It often is a detriment to myself and to others, who don't learn to take responsibility for their actions because I always try to make it ok. This time, though, I'm doing this for me.
The honest truth is that it's downright scary. It is causing me to face my worst fears. It's causing me to be very honest about myself. Here's the trickiest part of all: it's forcing me to understand and accept that when things go wrong it's not always my fault. You see, it's easy when everything is your fault - it gives you control to make everything better, fix everything, constantly work on a situation - often to no avail. It causes a tremendous amount of pressure to be perfect, but it gives you the feeling of control. For a control freak and perfectionist like me, this is perfect! Right? Here's the kicker - it's not really control, it's just helplessly trying to control things that you can't, and it results in a vicious cycle of frustration and negativity for you and others. When you fully understand that it's not all your fault, it's damn frightening. Because if you can't fix everything who can? The jaw dropping and admittedly terrifying answer is "no one". Oh my gosh, I don't have all the control! What do you mean? Yep, that's how it goes.
There are, without a doubt, going to be rough times throughout this process. Mainly because I'm completely breaking down so many of the thoughts that I "knew". It's a day by day, step by step process. I've truly never just focused on me, at least not for any length of time, and I think that will be my toughest challenge. It feels terribly selfish and I hate selfish, almost above anything else. I have to remember that what comes out on the other side of this process, hopefully, is not only better for me, but for those in my life. In that sense, it's not selfish at all. It's making a better me, and creating better relationships with those in my life.
Has anyone else gone through this type of process? Anyone else going through this right now? I'd love to hear from you. I'd love to share stories and draw from each others' energy and strength. I plan to keep people posted via my blog (and in private for those that have more personal questions or don't want to discuss in public, which I completely understand). I've always been open about my life, my triumphs and my struggles. If people judge me because of my "issues", they're not the type of people I want in my life. Period. If I can inspire and help someone even the tiniest bit with my journey, fantastic!