Monday, February 26, 2018

New Adventures Part 2

It's been a while. I've been busy, ironically. But, I have some exiting news to share: I got a new job. It kind of fell in my lap, an offer via a friend. It's both my comfort zone, but not. It's admin work (in zone), related to the government (out of zone). I'm working as an assistant to a Borough Manager in a nearby borough. I am currently completing my second week there - waited a bit to announce because... Murphy's Law.

I'm learning a ton, just in the two weeks I've been here. Like everything that has to go on behind the scenes for even the seemingly smallest tasks. I'm learning (this) borough administration's connection to the fire and police departments, all of (read some, with many to learn) the abbreviations for every little thing that happens in the town, and the team effort each new project or program takes. What I I'm enjoying most about it about is the variety and, above all, the opportunity to provide truly interesting and exciting programs to the borough.

On top of this all, I have a regular schedule, Monday through Friday 8:30-4:30. High five sleep schedule. The only "downside"?  I'm learning the struggle that is trying to make appointments and complete tasks with companies open M-F, 9-5. No more  2PM on a weekday haircuts or vet appointments. But it's a "sacrifice" I'm willing to make. Also, my husband is awesome and takes care of as much as he can if things must be done during the day (sadly, he cannot get a haircut for me. And I'll leave a pause here for those who know/have seen my husband to make the joke...).

I'm also using this opportunity to revamp my routines/schedule a bit. Working in travel and event-based environments, the routine has been... non-existent, more  or less. And for a mood cycler, this can be dangerous. Things that are incredibly important to keeping cycles down include: sleep, structure, and not having your outside world as topsy turvey as your inside world. Now, I can get up at the same time every day and work out before work. I am done at the same time each day, so I can pick an evening or two ahead of time that I want to go to yoga. I can get into a regular bedtime routine (other than the nights like last night when we're up late playing Zelda, but I digress).  I'm able to plan, and organize, and that's huge for me. I even had extra energy this weekend to do a lot of cooking for the week ahead. It felt amazing. I felt accomplished, and it was a huge boost to my confidence, which I'm always grateful for.

We never know what life will hold. My goal right now is to try as best I can to take the opportunities that life presents to me, to see where they lead.  

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

New Adventures, Old Anxieties

It's been a while since I've posted. I've been emotionally topsy turvey lately. I've made some big decisions. I feel good about them, mostly, but of course nervous and anxious, as is my nature. I've held back on sharing until now, because I wanted to sort out both the decisions and my feelings about them properly. So here we go:

I've quit my jobby job. It sounds way less scary when I call it a jobby job right? So I do. What I mean is, my part time but almost full time day job that helps pay the bills when my travel business does not. I have my reasons but let's suffice it to say "it was time." My last day is Thursday.

At the same time, I've decided to sign up for yoga teacher training. I have been practicing yoga for about 12 years now, and I think I'm finally ready. It's a big time (and financial) commitment, but it should be - you're dealing with people's bodies and minds, after all. It doesn't start until the fall, which is a good thing. Change and I aren't always fast friends, and too much of once would probably not be good for my mental health. But I put in the application on the day that I saw teacher training posted on the website, to hold myself accountable. I've started the process. It makes it a lot tougher to bow out or make excuses.

So my emotions over the past couple of weeks have run the gambit of "this is an exciting adventure!" to "holy crap how will I pay the bills?" and everything in between.  But I've been here before, more or less. With help and support and therapy and meds, I made it through, sometimes significantly more gracefully than others. Still, at the time I was 26 and full of big dreams about how I was going to be a big success. Now I'm 38 and more along the lines of "someday I'll get my shit together, I'm sure". But my parents and husband and friends support my decision, which helps - especially since, obviously, any monetary decision also affects my household aka my husband (and our dog I suppose, but she hasn't given the paws up or paws down on this decision so far).

In the end, the person that most has to believe in me is myself. Which sounds all Hallmark cardy, but is honestly an age-old battle I have with myself. I am, most of the time, my own worst critic. I take failures personally. I could have done better, I should have done this, I shouldn't have done that. I analyze over and over where I went wrong. I blame myself for.... just about everything. If someone doesn't hire me, I'm not good enough. If someone doesn't support my cause, I'm doing something wrong. If something isn't downright perfect, it's all my fault. I'm not trying hard enough, I'm not good enough, I'm a failure, I'm lazy, and everything else in between. In fact, not a single one of these is true, but I just can't let myself off the hook. It feels irresponsible to place blame elsewhere, or nowhere at all. It feels like taking the easy way out, like being in denial, conceited, even narcissistic at times. I'm the common denominator after all. And yet, thinking it's all my fault is also not right. Because quite honestly, everything isn't about me. A lot isn't, in fact. It's maybe about someone else, or nobody at all. There should be a middle ground.

My grandma used to have a saying that's been coming back to me often these last couple of weeks.  "Pray to God and Work like the Devil." While I'm not particularly religious, I think the saying has merit, regardless of your religious affiliation or lack thereof. Basically, all you can do is work your butt off and hope for the best. And it's what I plan to do going forward. There may be times when giving it my all still isn't quite enough. But at least I'll know I did everything I could do.