It occurred to me that, while I've never put the words to it, I'm often not comfortable in the light that surrounds me. I touched on this in a previous blog about how, as much as we strive for it, we often have difficulty allowing happiness. When something is going well, I'm leery. When someone compliments me, I feel like I don't deserve it. I think something like "boy, must have them fooled". Sometimes I'm joking, but there's always a bit of truth in there. It's not that I'm intentionally trying to fool anyone - if you know me, you know I don't exactly have a "sneaky" type of personality. I just don't feel comfortable in the light. I've never had much overall confidence or self esteem, and because of this, positive things, especially as they relate to who I am and what I can do or be, always feel a bit like I'm playing dress up.
To be fair I'm equally as uncomfortable with the negative, the difficulties, the downsides. As much as it's hard to believe that I can be great at something, I don't love always feeling like I'm not. I don't strive for depression or anxiety. I'd love to be one of those people who feels content and successful and like they're worth it, whatever "it' may be. It just seems so elusive that it feels like it can't actually happen to me - which of course as we know is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's the old "whether you believe you can or believe you can't, either way you're right." Basically, I feel in a constant tug-of-war, wanting to be happy and confident but not knowing how to handle it when it happens.
As I listened to the meditation, I realized that what I need is to be comfortable in the light that surrounds me. I need to accept the positive, the happy moments, the compliments and accomplishments without wondering when the rug is going to be ripped out from under me. Of course, I have to be logical and intuitive about it - I don't want to be blindly trusting or naive - but I also don't need to constantly pushing it away, afraid of feeling undeserving. And when the difficulties arise, I have to be comfortable in those too. It doesn't mean I have to like them, or that I shouldn't try to do anything to improve the situation. It simply means that I can't deny who I am, and the ups and downs of life. I think it's in the struggle to do so that depression and anxiety gets the worst of me. So from now on, I'm going to try to be more aware of this light. Not only do I believe it will help me personally, I believe that the more accepting I become of it, the more comfortable I am with it, the more I can radiate it outwards, and positively impact others.