2021 Year In Review

 The past few of yeas, I've tried to do a year in review post - a look back on the past year. In 2020, this felt especially tricky, seeing as nobody (including myself) actually did anything. To be honest, 2021 felt a lot of the same. If anything 2021 feels a bit more isolating for me, because the "we're all in this together" has vanished, and I'm feeling the disconnect more keenly. But still, 2021 has personally been a pretty eventful year, especially for a year in which I'm still not really doing much. 

Work

I started the year in a new job - technically I started Dec 7, 2020, but I  was basically still in training until 2021. In the past year, I've grown in the roll and responsibilities, now training vendors on the same system I was still learning a year ago. I've taken on special projects and feel like I've learned so much in such a short time. We were supposed to go back to the office in May, which turned into hybrid office/work from home in September, which turned into February, which we now just found out will be April 2022 at the earliest. I won't lie, I've been desperately missing the days of running my own business, of having my storefront, but if I'm going to work for a company that's not mine,  I'm so grateful to work for a company that truly is putting its employees first. 

My home office/yoga room, featuring Grace.

Home

On April 30th, we closed on a house in Merchantville, NJ. It's a single family house built in 1918, with all the charm of a century plus old home but the upgrades of a modern home (though we've had our share of upgrades in terms of things like electric and plumbing).  It has a yard, an in ground pool, and tons of natural light, and  is a mile and a half from where I grew up. I have my office/yoga room in the sunroom, which I absolutely love. We sold our condo in Philly and while it was bittersweet to leave the city, knowing it will likely be the last time I live there, I absolutely love our new home and community. I wouldn't change it - this is where I want to be at this point in my life. 

My husband and I in front of our new house just after closing. 

Chronic Illness

In February I got what I  initially thought was a cyst in my wist. Within a couple of days I realized that it was exponentially swelling and getting hot and red and was most likely not a cyst, but an infection. I got into a hand specialist quickly, and he thought it was likely a one-off infection as well. As a precaution, to rule out a fracture or growth, he did an x-ray.  The xr-ay revealed that the tissue in my hand was calcifying, and I got diagnosed with a condition called Calcium Pyrophosphate Deposition Disease (CPPD). CPPD was formerly known as pseudogout, because the symptoms mimic gout, but without the uric acid issue. There's not a ton known about CPPD. I asked my specialist if it was autoimmune like Rheumatoid Arthritis or more of a "wear and tear" type of arthritis like Osteoarthritis (which I also have) and he said they don't really know. I don't know if the infection activated  CPPD somehow, or if it just caused the existing condition to flare and it was because of the infection that I sought treatment and discovered the CPPD. Either way, I now have two forms of arthritis , but I'm lucky that it hasn't really flared since. 

IVF

Perhaps the biggest event this year (yes, bigger than buying and selling a house and moving back to New Jersey) is that we started IVF treatment. For those who don't know, we've been trying to conceive for over three years. My being 42 (41 when we started), we were put straight into IVF, after initial tests showing no obvious issues of why we haven't been able to conceive. We've gone through two rounds of egg retrieval, but haven't yet made it to point at which we can do a transfer. We had a break after our last round, due to the lab closing for two weeks in mid-December (so they couldn't start any new IVF rounds), but I go for my next bloodwork on 12/28, and if all looks good, we'll start another round in early January. IVF is... a lot. It's a lot on the body (injections in the belly and thigh multiple times a day, blood work and pelvic ultrasound every couple of days, all the hormones), and it's a lot on the mind and heart. It's physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting and exciting at the same time. Each round is another chance that it could work, that this could be the round where you make it to the transfer, where that transfer sticks, where you finally are pregnant, where your dreams of becoming parents are finally realized. At the same time, you know the statistics, the history, the disappointment that each previous round has brought. It's intense in every way possible, and at times, feels all consuming - especially in a pandemic when you don't have the usual activities and visits and such to serve as a distraction while you await the next test results, the next steps, or when you get the news you hoped you wouldn't. Plus, or course there's all the hormones, having to inject yourself in the belly and thigh multiple times a day, your schedule having to work around those because they're time sensitive. There's the fact that for the 10 days leading up to retrieval and two weeks afterwords, I can't work out or do yoga, two activities that usually help my anxiety and depression when I'm struggling, which means I've had to be creative with my healthy coping strategies.  But even with all of this, I also realize I'm privileged to even have the chance to go through this - so many do not. Also, a big shout out here to my husband, who has gone to every single appointment with me, even the ones where I had to be in Philly at 6:45 AM for something basic like bloodwork. Nearly always, he's the only partner there. But he knows how I will panic if I can't find parking and am running late or if, completely hypothetical of course, the elevator shuts down while I'm on it and I burst into terrified tears on the way to my appointment in front of strangers. Also, he's excellent at assisting me with the trigger shots, and let me tell you, when you have a several inch long needle going into your butt cheek, it's a godsend to have someone who knows what they're doing and doesn't balk at doing it. 

Headed into an egg retrieval

Holidays

For the past 5 plus years, we've lived in a condo, so while we had lights up around our bedroom and deck (which stayed up all year to be honest) and an artificial Christmas tree (which, embarrassingly, also stayed up all year one year), we didn't get to do the live tree, outdoor lights (minus the deck) thing, nor did we get to hand out halloween candy or have people over for a BBQ for summer holidays, nothing like that. In May, we moved into our house. We were still cautious around others, but the outdoor space gave us room to more safely see people. For Father's Day, my younger brother and his family came into town, and we had them and my parents over to the pool. It was an absolute blast. It felt like being on one of our family vacations (because there's always been a pool) albeit in NJ, and at our own home. But still, so much fun. On labor day, weekend we had my parents over for a fire pit in the backyard and dinner. Nothing huge, but still, the ability to "host" a get together in our own home. 

Halloween in my town is HUGE. The town I live in is called Merchantville, but every October, they turn it into Monsterville - literally, they put something up over the "Welcome To" sign to change it to "Monsterville". The stores have a halloween decorating contest, homes are done up like haunted houses. And Halloween itself... it's unreal. We set up a table out front (and were masked the whole time) and had kids lined up down the block for a solid 3 hours before we finally ran out of candy. It's not an exaggeration to say we probably saw over 300 kids, and that was before we had to "close up shop" because we ran out two hours before trick or treating ended. If we'd had enough, I imagine we would have had probably 500 trick or treaters. Not only that, but everyone is dressed up. I mean everyone. The parents, the kids, dogs, some people handing out candy. One person just kept driving around the block for probably a solid hour, playing "scary" music for ambiance. I've never seen anything like it. We actually took notes on how we need to plan and up our Halloween game for next year. 

On Thanksgiving my brother's family came into town, and while we celebrated at my parents' house for most of the day, my husband and I hosted dessert. Well, we provided the venue anyway - my dad made all of the pies. But we had everyone over, and we hung out in our upstairs family room watching football, enjoying the fireplace, eating dessert. 

And most recently, Christmas. We got a real tree! In fact, we have two trees up - the real one and the artificial one that we had from the condo. We also have a 9-foot artificial tree that we bought from the people that sold us the house for a steal, because it wouldn't fit in their new house. We didn't put that up, since we felt three trees was ambitious for our first year in the house. We decorated the front porch with lights and got a light up wreath (artificial) for the front door. We got decorated various rooms in the house. It was so much fun. 

Suffice it to say, I absolutely love having a house for the holidays. 

Our home decorated for Christmas.

Family

In 2020, my family was supposed to take our biannual (every other year, not twice a year) family vacation. That means my parents, all five of us siblings, spouses, and all of my siblings kids'. There are 20 of us in total. We had luxury cabins booked outside of Sedona for a week - at least I think it was a week, honestly it seems like a lifetime ago - and then were going to head to Scottsdale area to one giant house (our usual family vacation style) for the last  two or three nights of the trip. With us being spread across the country, these trips are often the only time we all are able to get together. Needless to say, that 2020 trip didn't happen. In fact, from March 2020 on, the only family I saw were my parents and twice outside, I saw one of my brothers and his family. Finally, this summer I got to see all of my siblings and their families. It had been  a year and half since I'd seen my older brother, two years since I'd seen one sister, and three since I'd seen the other. We weren't all together at the same time, but I got to see each of them, and it was wonderful. We spent the majority of our time outside, and everyone 13 and over was fully vaccinated (kids 5-12 couldn't be vaccinated at the time, but they are now!). I have no idea when we'll be able to do another family vacation. As of now, we're hoping for Summer 2023, but it's obviously a bit of a moving target - it won't be sooner, but it could be later.  Still, I was so grateful to see everyone, even if it wasn't all together and we did have to stay mostly outside. It renewed me, especially as we went into the fall, and now winter, with new variants, and it's tougher to see people again.

We didn't get many pics of us in the pool, so here's Grace again.

Personal and Spiritual Reconnection 

I spent a lot of time feeling isolated, disconnected from others, lonely, and kind of forgotten about.invisible this year (outside of immediate family/loved ones and a couple of close friends). Which I won't sugar coat it, kind of sucked. As I watched the world move back towards a normal I was not and am still not comfortable with (because of covid, but also because I just don't believe our pre-covid "normal" was normal to begin with, or should have been), I felt quite out of site out of mind to many. Which I have to, rather sucked. But the fact that I have still mostly been staying home, and haven't been as connected with the outside world, allowed me to shift the focus to other forms of connection, namely with myself and with something greater than myself (which I realize some people will groan/roll their eyes at, and you are absolutely entitled to your thoughts on the matter, as I am mine). Both of these connections are ones I've struggled with in the past - the spiritual connection because my spiritual beliefs/faith doesn't quite fit in a box that people often like to use for these categories. For a long time, I thought that meant I didn't fit anywhere, that I was somehow not doing faith or spirituality right. But going through yoga teacher training, where we were encouraged to explore the concept of Isvara Pranidhanadva", the idea of "your own personal connection with something greater than yourself/the universe/God/whatever term you used  (in YTT we called it 'Your Own Personal Jesus' and I really hope people get this reference), helped me to feel more comfortable in exploring my faith and spirituality in a way that resonated with me. This, along with my own personal exploration of self and working with my therapist for many, many years, has helped me to also dive deeper into my connection with myself. There was a long time where I felt like I'd forgotten who I was (like, until this past summer/fall). I still feel a bit on shaky ground here. I explained in a previous post how I feel like I've spent so much time trying to form to what others want or suggest or need, that I've lost who I am without all of those influences. So I've begun working on rediscovering this. It's an ongoing journey. I've been doing a lot of processing of things that I should have processed more a while ago, both external and internal situations.

Writing

After publishing my novel in 2019, and then doing a lot of blogging on yoga and wellness on my other website in 2020, 2021 was a bit lacking in the writing department. But some of my family members and I started a virtual writing circle, where every couple of weeks a different person suggested a prompt, and we all wrote our pieces, shared with each other via google drive, and offered up thoughts on each others' pieces (honestly that it may have started in 2020, it's all kind of merging together). Despite having several blogs, having my works on multiple sites and publications, being published in an anthology, and having self-published my novel, I am still extremely leery to show my work to others - especially my non blog style type of work (blogging feels different, maybe because it's my life and nobody's more of an "expert" on what's going on in my life  or how I'm feeling about it than me, so I don't mind so much). So having the opportunity to write and share with people, along with prompts that took me well out of my wheelhouse of blog style writing about myself, provided an ideal opportunity to expand and explore my writing and my creativity. 

I also began blogging again, and it's felt really good to get back to this outlet. For a while, I felt a bit like I wasn't sure what to say, like I had blogged for years and it didn't really seem to go anywhere.  But I've missed it, and when I think back to why I started blogging in the first place - to share my story, both as a bit of a catharsis for myself, and in hopes that it might help others that also are struggling - it doesn't matter if it "goes anywhere", if I get tons of followers or comments or whatever. If it helps me and it helps one other person reading it, that's enough. 

Finally, I started writing another fiction piece. I'm not sure exactly where it's going to lead. Maybe a short story, maybe a novel (or a mini novel), maybe just another piece written in my notebook. Similar to when I started writing Johanna's Secret, the literally came to me overnight. With Johanna's Secret, I woke up with the opening sentence in my head. With this piece, I had a dream, and a particular character, and connection with that character stuck with me. Ironically, it's not the protagonist of the book, and yet I've built the story around that person. Whatever it turns out to be, I'm enjoying writing a story again, and curious to see where it leads. 

 

Morning writing and coffee session

As I look back over this year, it held a lot of conflicting feelings. Feeling like I wasn't doing anything at all (day to day because pandemic) but simultaneously doing really big life things like buying a house and moving and starting IVF.  This year I both realized how lost I've been feeling, and began to navigate back towards myself.  I've worked through so many emotions, often at the same time, often that are seem like they're odds with each other, but that must all exist and be felt as part of the healing process.  As always, life with a rapid mood cycling disorder is a lot of ups and downs. Add in a pandemic, IVF hormones, and drastically increased anxiety, and it's been an emotionally tumultuous year. But I've also found pieces of myself long forgotten, pieces of my spiritual connection, of my deepest self when the influences of the outside world are as stripped away as possible, and those have been extremely grounding and comforting. It's these pieces, along with the closeness of family and loved ones and closest friends - even when I can't see them in person,  that I will hold onto and continue to explore as we move into 2022. 

Little By Little

 In my last post, I shared how I've been struggling with my emotional and mental health, and have started digging deep into some healing work with the help of my therapist. One of the challenges that's been especially frustrating for me is that I haven't felt like myself lately. And by lately, I actually mean it's been quite a while, but it's something that's been slowly building, that I noticed glimpses of from time to time, but that I hadn't stopped to actually fully digest and think about.

 I acknowledge that many of us have likely felt this way over the past year and a half, when so much of what we thought of as an integral part of "who we are and what we do", vanished. Whether it was losing a job during the pandemic that had been an integral part of your life for years, or the inability to do the activities that you're so passionate about, or the changes you noticed within yourself when we were all quarantined and couldn't see one another, I suspect this year has had a bit of a "what's going on and who am I and what is this life" affect on a large number of people. For me though, it's more than that. Yes, I absolutely miss traveling, and running my travel business full time (which was something I stopped doing full time pre-pandemic, but pandemic made it obvious that it wasn't going to be an option any time soon). Obviously, I missed seeing loved ones when restrictions were at their tightest and still miss seeing so many friends. I miss teaching yoga in person, being able to participate in group activities. The loneliness and isolation is something I've shared about in both my previous post and on social media. But this is more than that. 

What I've noticed is that the vibrance has drained out of me. I've always been a person that's absolutely loved living life. Even when life was at its toughest (and those of you close to me know that there have been some extremely tough and dark times), I've always been a passionate person, a person with so many ideas and convictions and thoughts and opinions. I've always had a project or a plan I'm excited about, and if I don't, I find one or I create one. To be clear, I don't do this to "keep busy". I do this because I live life curiously and immersively (if that's a word).  When I was younger (teens, early adult-hood), I was never been a person that's afraid to take up space in the world. I was optimistic and hopeful, and granted, some of it could have been naivety, but most of it wasn't. Most of it was that I believed that I was capable and worthy and enough. I think about myself as a teenager, when I tried out for every single solo in chorus (and I got one every year), or all through gymnastics when I routinely did the hardest level routines I could. I never thought "I might try to do this and not make it". In fact, it was a bit the opposite - I'd be like "eh, you know what, I think I'm going to throw this trick in competition that I've literally never landed in practice". (I can't say I recommend this by the way - I did a lot of landing on my head and crotching the beam in my teen years). Or even as an adult, when I quit my full time job to start my travel business in a brick and mortar storefront. I literally never had the thought "what if I don't succeed". And again, this isn't the best business strategy, I realize 16 years later, to not think of what could go wrong. But the point is, I didn't doubt myself. I went after my dreams because I was sure I could make them happen. 

And yet over the years, I've watched this shift drastically. I've watched my belief in myself, my feeling of worthiness and being capable, my self-acceptance all but disintegrate. I've watched myself step into the background. I've watched myself become a people pleaser, a person so afraid to rock the boat.  I've watched myself fold in on myself, absorbing everyone around me until I'm not sure which ways of doing things, which preferences ,are my own, and which are other people's that I've taken on. It's like if for years, the only clothes you owned were ones other people bought for you. Then one day someone asked you what your style was, and you realize you have no idea, because for years you've only every dressed in clothes others gave you. It's not that others were ill-meaning in buying you clothes - in fact, probably quite the opposite, they wanted to do something nice for you. And it's not that you don't appreciate the clothes, you do. But you have no idea what style is actually yours without any other influence. What do you actually want to wear? What do you feel best in? What makes you feel most like you? 

I want to be clear, I'm not talking about accepting everyone else's ideas without thought. For instance take my vegetarianism and not buying animal products- I'm not going to start eating meat and buying leather if others tell me I should (note: they don't, this was just an easy example). My morals and ethics and values are not up for debate, and in these thing, I know exactly who I am. But it's the smaller pieces of life, the "what do you want to do" or "how should we do this" type of  the decisions we make every day, that don't seem like they'll alter you all that much, but when they're constantly filtered through everyone else's preferences and wants and needs, end up adding up. Eventually you realize you're not even sure what the answer to these types of questions are without all of the external influences. I've also noticed that this is leading to inertia, which I adamantly dislike feeling. I can't really explain why, except that when you feel like you're not really yourself, it's tough to be motivated. You stop making suggestions or voicing your opinion or taking initiative, not only with others, but with yourself. In turn, that makes me feel even less like myself, and it becomes a vicious cycle. 

This is where I have been lately, and although I know it's a pattern for me, it's really hitting home this time. I know, if I can get past the low self-esteem and lack of confidence and low self-worth, that my opinions are valuable, that I have something to offer others, the world, by being myself. So, along with the work that I'm doing with my therapist, I've started a new daily ritual. Each day, I list two things that I want to do - they're often seemingly insignificant things, small things that I need or want to get done, or occasionally, small ways of treating myself, to remind myself that I matter. It might be something fun or silly, it might be something that needs to get done and I've been putting it off. And each day, I've been working to make sure that I do these two things. Not only does it give me a feeling of autonomy, because I'm the person choosing these things and doing them, but it helps me push through the inertia, which then makes me feel better about myself, more like the self that has was such a self-starter, so determined and passionate and felt like she could make things happen. 

It's not a momentous change. In fact, if I'd not written about it, I doubt anyone else would even know it. But it's taking the daunting and often impossible-feeling task of "rediscover myself" and breaking it down to manageable pieces and daily action steps, that I'm hopeful can get me there little by little. 

A Long Overdue Update

Hello Friends! It's been a while since I've written. A ton has happened in the past year-ish, and I've been navigating through all of the changes. I've missed writing here though, so I thought I'd give it a go. I can't promise how frequent it will be, but you've got to start (again) somewhere, right? 

For those who haven't been up to date on my life in the past year, here's a quick breakdown of what's happened. 

• In mid-Oct 2020 I got laid off from my job. Our contract ended, and due to covid, there weren't other contract spots for those of us that had been at the site where I'd been working. 

• In early December 2021, I got a new job, working in Transportation Management Systems/Global Logistics for a retail company in the off-price market sector (I realize I sound like I'm doing a generic intro on Wheel of Fortune here, but I try to keep my job and my advocacy/blogging separated, since this is in no way affiliated with my job). I work for a great company. It's extremely different than working for myself, which I miss terribly, but as far as 9-5s go, I can't complain. And we're still working from home until at least early 2022, so I'm liking that. In fact, if I could choose to permanently work from home, I would in a heartbeat.  But that's a soapbox for another day. 

• This past spring, we sold our Condo in Philly and bought a home in Merchantville, NJ (which means we also changed states and are now NJ residents again). Our house is basically my dream house. It's a Tudor style front, but more victorian-y inside, with the perfect combination modern updates ad older character. It has a fenced in backyard for our dog Grace (and us) and an in-ground pool, multiple fireplaces, gorgeous hardwood floors, and an abundance of unique features. As much as I've loved living in the city in the past, I'm loving living in Merchantville now, close to where I grew up (literally 1.5 miles away from my childhood home where my parents still live), having all the space, both indoors and out, and being part of this smaller community. 

• We started IVF treatment. Of all of the changes we've gone through in the past year, this has been the most intense, the most emotional. Being 42 and trying to get pregnant for the first time, I'm on a pretty intensive regimen (did I mention it's intense?). I feel lucky that so far, I've reacted to the meds better than I expected. Considering that IVF meds can have major effects on mood, and I live with a mood disorder, I was expecting it to be extremely rough, and my side effects have been pretty low. That said, I haven't yet done an embryo transfer, so there are some medications I believe are in store for me when we get to that stage that are some of the heavy hitters. But until then, I'll enjoy doing pretty well with the meds. The stress of IVF, on the other hand, is tough. It's physically demanding on the body - shots in the belly and thigh multiple times a day, multiple doctor appointments weekly for bloodwork and pelvic ultrasound is intense. Moreso, there's the emotional aspect. Each step of the way, you have to prepare yourself for exciting or difficult news, none of which you actually have control over, other than to follow doctors orders with meds and such: Do you have follicles big enough for egg retrieval? How many eggs did they get from the retrieval (if any)? How many of those eggs fertilized (if any)? How many of those fertilized eggs made it to the blastocyte stage (the stage where they could do an embryo transfer)? Do those blastocyte embryos pass the chromosomal test  (at 42, chromosomal testing is highly advised)? It's a lot, and each time you get through one stage, you have to prep yourself for the next. And each time it doesn't make it to the next stage, there's a massive sense of loss, of grief. 

Mentally and emotionally, despite doing well with the IVF meds, I've been struggling a bit. Since going through IVF puts me at higher risk, in addition to underlying health conditions and having higher risk loved ones, I'm still being extremely limited in my activities, since covid is still a concern for me, even vaxxed and boosted. I've seen immediate family, and a couple of friends, always one on one (or one couple, if they're couple friends). With the exception of immediate family, I see people almost exclusively outside, which means that as winter approaches, unless my friends are up for bundled up walks or snow-related activities, I'm likely to have even fewer interactions. I don't yet feel safe, nor is it doctor advised, for me to do so many of the things I love: travel,  in person yoga, events/festivals/concerts, (group) special events for loved ones. So the feeling of isolation, of loneliness ,as the rest of the world (or most of it) seems to be moving back to "before times, is high. On top of that, I'm not getting to participate in many activities and pieces of life that bring me joy and enjoyment. While I realize that the pandemic has had a much greater effect on many lives than feeling isolated and not feeling joy, this is beginning to take its toll on me. I'm really missing connecting, even virtually. I'm as tired of zoom gatherings as everyone else, but it seems like the connection that everyone ramped up during 2020 - the virtual get togethers, the group texts of friends and family, the checking in on each other regularly, finding creative ways to connect, has gone by the wayside, and I miss it. I'm an introvert, so I don't need (or want) the huge group events and such, but I do value deep and meaningful connection with those close to me. 

In addition, I've lately begun working more deeply through some personal struggles. As much as I focus on my mental health, my strategy when going through some extremely difficult situations in the past has always been to kind of plow forward and just "deal" with it. I often didn't stop to see how life and situations that arise are taking their toll on my self worth, self-esteem, ability to love and accept myself. I've always focused so hard on just getting through that I often haven't paused to see the lasting effects. Added to the stress of IVF and the isolation mentioned above, it's catching up with me lately. The good thing is, I realize now that this is a struggle that needs to be addressed. That addressing it is, in fact, long overdue. I know I can't continue to just keep trying to get through it, that I need to dig deep into this, do the work and give myself the time and space to heal. As difficult as it is, in a strange way, I'm looking forward to it. I want to reach that place that's on the other side of "just getting through", that place that maybe I don't struggle quite as much with things like self-love and acceptance. I know that these will likely never be easy for me. Depression and anxiety and mood cycling make that elusive, and I can't just work harder and make it go away. I have an illness, one that's lifelong, and I understand this will always be a challenge. But I can take steps to help. It will likely get more difficult before it gets better. Wading through healing, and the pain that requires it.  Letting go of things long held, even false negative beliefs about oneself, can be a convoluted and emotional process. I liken it to a physical injury - when I broke my leg and tore ligaments as a teenager, I had to go through surgery and PT.  Before surgery, my broken leg had mostly healed, and my joint had semi-adjusted to not having a PCL I actually felt *almost* back to normal. Except that it wasn't sustainable. Eventually, my leg with it's un-healing fracture and my knee without it strongest ligament would give out, and I'd be in an even worse position. So I had surgery and PT.  And the recovery was arduous and painful and I cried a ton and I battled it out with my PT, but I knew I was healing. In the end, my leg, even with it's scars and scar tissue and the three screws and a wire that I still have in it, is so much more healthy, so much stronger, than it would have been if I'd not gone through all of that, if I'd left it alone and not tried to heal fully. And it's the same with my mental and emotional health. 

So that's where I am. I remember a family member once saying, of raising kids, that the days are long and the years are short. Although obviously a way different scenario, life right now feels a bit like that. There's simultaneously so much going on, and also sometimes so little (i.e. no travel, no yoga classes, no gatherings or events, less connecting with people, etc). But I know I'm making progress. I know that I'm mentally and emotionally healthier than I've been in a long time - the fact that I feel ready(ish - as I'll ever be) to dig through so much and work so deeply on healing attests to that. In the short term, I'm excited for the holiday season - especially the first holiday season in our new house. I'm trying to also focus on these smaller joys. They are also part of the healing process, of stepping back into myself, of finding small hopes in the every day.