Hello Friends! It's been a while since I've written. A ton has happened in the past year-ish, and I've been navigating through all of the changes. I've missed writing here though, so I thought I'd give it a go. I can't promise how frequent it will be, but you've got to start (again) somewhere, right?
For those who haven't been up to date on my life in the past year, here's a quick breakdown of what's happened.
- In mid-Oct 2020 I got laid off from my job. Our contract ended, and due to covid, there weren't other contract spots for those of us that had been at the site where I'd been working.
- In early December 2021, I got a new job, working in Transportation Management Systems/Global Logistics for a retail company in the off-price market sector (I realize I sound like I'm doing a generic intro on Wheel of Fortune here, but I try to keep my job and my advocacy/blogging separated, since this is in no way affiliated with my job). I work for a great company. It's extremely different than working for myself, which I miss terribly, but as far as 9-5s go, I can't complain. And we're still working from home until at least early 2022, so I'm liking that. In fact, if I could choose to permanently work from home, I would in a heartbeat. But that's a soapbox for another day.
- This past spring, we sold our Condo in Philly and bought a home in Merchantville, NJ (which means we also changed states and are now NJ residents again). Our house is basically my dream house. It's a Tudor style front, but more victorian-y inside, with the perfect combination modern updates ad older character. It has a fenced in backyard for our dog Grace (and us) and an in-ground pool, multiple fireplaces, gorgeous hardwood floors, and an abundance of unique features. As much as I've loved living in the city in the past, I'm loving living in Merchantville now, close to where I grew up (literally 1.5 miles away from my childhood home where my parents still live), having all the space, both indoors and out, and being part of this smaller community.
- We started IVF treatment. Of all of the changes we've gone through in the past year, this has been the most intense, the most emotional. Being 42 and trying to get pregnant for the first time, I'm on a pretty intensive regimen (did I mention it's intense?). I feel lucky that so far, I've reacted to the meds better than I expected. Considering that IVF meds can have major effects on mood, and I live with a mood disorder, I was expecting it to be extremely rough, and my side effects have been pretty low. That said, I haven't yet done an embryo transfer, so there are some medications I believe are in store for me when we get to that stage that are some of the heavy hitters. But until then, I'll enjoy doing pretty well with the meds. The stress of IVF, on the other hand, is tough. It's physically demanding on the body - shots in the belly and thigh multiple times a day, multiple doctor appointments weekly for bloodwork and pelvic ultrasound is intense. Moreso, there's the emotional aspect. Each step of the way, you have to prepare yourself for exciting or difficult news, none of which you actually have control over, other than to follow doctors orders with meds and such: Do you have follicles big enough for egg retrieval? How many eggs did they get from the retrieval (if any)? How many of those eggs fertilized (if any)? How many of those fertilized eggs made it to the blastocyte stage (the stage where they could do an embryo transfer)? Do those blastocyte embryos pass the chromosomal test (at 42, chromosomal testing is highly advised)? It's a lot, and each time you get through one stage, you have to prep yourself for the next. And each time it doesn't make it to the next stage, there's a massive sense of loss, of grief.
Mentally and emotionally, despite doing well with the IVF meds, I've been struggling a bit. Since going through IVF puts me at higher risk, in addition to underlying health conditions and having higher risk loved ones, I'm still being extremely limited in my activities, since covid is still a concern for me, even vaxxed and boosted. I've seen immediate family, and a couple of friends, always one on one (or one couple, if they're couple friends). With the exception of immediate family, I see people almost exclusively outside, which means that as winter approaches, unless my friends are up for bundled up walks or snow-related activities, I'm likely to have even fewer interactions. I don't yet feel safe, nor is it doctor advised, for me to do so many of the things I love: travel, in person yoga, events/festivals/concerts, (group) special events for loved ones. So the feeling of isolation, of loneliness ,as the rest of the world (or most of it) seems to be moving back to "before times, is high. On top of that, I'm not getting to participate in many activities and pieces of life that bring me joy and enjoyment. While I realize that the pandemic has had a much greater effect on many lives than feeling isolated and not feeling joy, this is beginning to take its toll on me. I'm really missing connecting, even virtually. I'm as tired of zoom gatherings as everyone else, but it seems like the connection that everyone ramped up during 2020 - the virtual get togethers, the group texts of friends and family, the checking in on each other regularly, finding creative ways to connect, has gone by the wayside, and I miss it. I'm an introvert, so I don't need (or want) the huge group events and such, but I do value deep and meaningful connection with those close to me.
In addition, I've lately begun working more deeply through some personal struggles. As much as I focus on my mental health, my strategy when going through some extremely difficult situations in the past has always been to kind of plow forward and just "deal" with it. I often didn't stop to see how life and situations that arise are taking their toll on my self worth, self-esteem, ability to love and accept myself. I've always focused so hard on just getting through that I often haven't paused to see the lasting effects. Added to the stress of IVF and the isolation mentioned above, it's catching up with me lately. The good thing is, I realize now that this is a struggle that needs to be addressed. That addressing it is, in fact, long overdue. I know I can't continue to just keep trying to get through it, that I need to dig deep into this, do the work and give myself the time and space to heal. As difficult as it is, in a strange way, I'm looking forward to it. I want to reach that place that's on the other side of "just getting through", that place that maybe I don't struggle quite as much with things like self-love and acceptance. I know that these will likely never be easy for me. Depression and anxiety and mood cycling make that elusive, and I can't just work harder and make it go away. I have an illness, one that's lifelong, and I understand this will always be a challenge. But I can take steps to help. It will likely get more difficult before it gets better. Wading through healing, and the pain that requires it. Letting go of things long held, even false negative beliefs about oneself, can be a convoluted and emotional process. I liken it to a physical injury - when I broke my leg and tore ligaments as a teenager, I had to go through surgery and PT. Before surgery, my broken leg had mostly healed, and my joint had semi-adjusted to not having a PCL I actually felt *almost* back to normal. Except that it wasn't sustainable. Eventually, my leg with it's un-healing fracture and my knee without it strongest ligament would give out, and I'd be in an even worse position. So I had surgery and PT. And the recovery was arduous and painful and I cried a ton and I battled it out with my PT, but I knew I was healing. In the end, my leg, even with it's scars and scar tissue and the three screws and a wire that I still have in it, is so much more healthy, so much stronger, than it would have been if I'd not gone through all of that, if I'd left it alone and not tried to heal fully. And it's the same with my mental and emotional health.
So that's where I am. I remember a family member once saying, of raising kids, that the days are long and the years are short. Although obviously a way different scenario, life right now feels a bit like that. There's simultaneously so much going on, and also sometimes so little (i.e. no travel, no yoga classes, no gatherings or events, less connecting with people, etc). But I know I'm making progress. I know that I'm mentally and emotionally healthier than I've been in a long time - the fact that I feel ready(ish - as I'll ever be) to dig through so much and work so deeply on healing attests to that. In the short term, I'm excited for the holiday season - especially the first holiday season in our new house. I'm trying to also focus on these smaller joys. They are also part of the healing process, of stepping back into myself, of finding small hopes in the every day.
