Friday, September 27, 2013

Sometimes You've Just Got To

I'm not going to lie. So far, 34 isn't my favorite year, and I've only been at it for a few days. I've not been myself. Not my real self. Not the happy, positive, fun-loving, outgoing person that I know and love. Instead, I've been impostor self. You know, the fake self that likes to make an appearance and make people think I'm the spawn of satan, just for shits and giggles I suppose. It brings along it's good friends  anxiety, panic, depression, anger, frustration, lack of trust, self-esteem that's lower than low. That fake-self. The self people like to attribute to my cyclothymia and really I have no idea why it occurs at all - I honestly think it stems from my underlying self esteem and confidence levels, or lack thereof. But that's a whole other blog post. So for now, let's say I've not been myself and I hope that year 34 has gotten it out of its system, because this is just not going to fly anymore with the real me.

When your brain and body play nasty tricks on you like mine's been doing, sometimes you've just got to dig way down deep, and think of some positives. I thought that in a celebration of my birth week, I'd find some things I've been successful with over the year. Because, quite frankly, I'm having trouble finding much right now, and yet I need to.

  • I completed a combined eight years in chapter leadership of two different industry organization chapters. There were certainly ups and downs, but I'm proud of myself for stepping up into these positions, doing the best I could, and knowing that if I so chose, I could take any position in chapter leadership and be successful. And I truly mean any. I've become a leader among leaders - not an easy feat for someone who hasn't ever liked the spotlight. I know it, and I'm proud of it. 
  • In partnership with a friend and industry colleague, I helped create an annual charity fundraiser for Brain and Behavior Research. We raised over $1000 (combined) for the cause. We're already starting to think about next year. 
  • This Lilies and Elephants blog came up on the front page of google several times when searching for particular mental health topics. I mean the front page! That's huge for me. 
  • Numerous people, some who I've never met or even had any connection with at all, have contact me saying they've read my blog, that it's helped them a lot, and have ask me for help and suggestions with similar issues to my own. That's incredible. I mean, I'm becoming someone to reach out to about mental health, which is exactly the point of my efforts.  
So maybe I don't have the most highfalutin job or the most expensive car. Maybe I'm not the most composed person or the coolest or most popular.  I'm not the easiest person.  I'm certainly not the most perfect person. In fact, I'm not anywhere near it. But I have made some strides in life this year. They might just be baby strides, but they're strides none-the-less, and I need to make sure to remind myself of them and be proud when impostor self shows up and tries to take me down. And if none of that is impressive... well,  I just used the word "highfalutin" in a serious blog post. That has to count for something. 

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