Sunday, October 13, 2013

8 Things That Go Through My Head On A Daily Basis

I've done previous blogs attempting to allow the reader inside my brain, in an effort to understand my condition, and really, myself. I've described the emotions I feel when I'm "up" and the lack thereof when I'm down. I've attempted to share how various life situations affect me by the thoughts and emotions they excite. Now, I thought I'd visit the day to day, and the things that run through my head regularly, just as you might think, 'I'm craving french fries' (for the record, I think that a lot, too).
  • Ahhhh that wasn't supposed to come out of my mouth. That thought wasn't fully formed yet (or some form of this statement). This happens all day long. I tend to think out loud, often very unformed thoughts or in a step by step manner. It makes others think I'm super stressed or uptight about something because I keep talking about it, while actually it's mere thoughts fleeting though my head and unfortunately, out of my mouth before they should be. Sometimes it feels like I can't fully understand a thought unless I hear it out loud. 
  • I wish I wasn't this way. I could very easily offer up a list of my weaknesses and faults.  It frustrates me when one's getting the better of me, especially if it affects someone I care about. Sometimes this thought simply refers to my condition, which my be particularly bothering me at the moment, and I wish I didn't have to deal with it. It's not a "poor me" thought, but rather a "man this is really frustrating" thought. 
  • I wish people could see the real me.  This one is the biggest frustration. I often feel I'm one of the few positive thinkers left on the planet (other than when I have the above thoughts).  It seems most people tend to focus on the worst. When I'm cycling and in panic mode, they think that is "me". Yet I know it's far from my natural self. It's me in an extreme state - often one of hurt or sadness or frustration - just as someone else might experience if they were in extreme physical pain. I want people to see and know the me that only I know. I struggle with how to make this happen. 
  • I'm proud of my quirks. While I might wish away my faults and the negative thoughts of others, I am proud of my funny quirks and uniqueness, even if others can't see them. I smile to myself knowing who I really am and hope one day others will too. 
  • It's not my condition, you're just being a jerk. People love to blame my condition for everything. It's an easy out. It's like blaming the out-of-shape kid for losing the relay, even when your star runner tripped and botched the whole thing. Sometimes, even often times, it's not my condition. I'm having a normal frustrated or pissed off reaction to something like anyone else would. I'll admit this isn't a daily thought, but it happens a lot. 
  • I'm almost there and I can't quite grasp it.  I am 100 percent convinced - not through delusion or irrationality but through logic and intuition -  that I'm almost where I want to be, but there's something elusive I don't quite have a hold on yet. It's that final piece of the puzzle, but I am not sure quite what it is, how to figure it out, or even how to get it when I do. 
  • You know what would be really cool...?  One of my absolute favorite things to do, and actually one of my strong points as well, is to come up with ideas. It could be a potential piece of a new business, or a gift for someone, or a day trip idea, or something I want to do when I retire. But I love to ponder and discover and write it down "just in case I can use it." 
  • I need to make this happen now. Patience is a virtue... that I do not posses. I think it's due to my anxiety and my constant need to make things right. If I want something to happen, or especially if I want to fix something (I've fought with a friend, or I've upset someone, say) I can't stand to have to let time work its healing powers. I want it to all be done, forgotten, clean slate, everything's fine. Same goes for things I really want to achieve. I need to know how to get there now and take the first steps. This particular thought makes things worse more often than better much of the time. 
So there you have it. A little insight into my daily brain. I hope it helps people understand my actions and reactions a bit more, and the reason I "am how I am", so to speak.  I feel I can't be the only person on the planet that thinks these things, either. So if anyone else has similar thoughts, know that you're not alone. I'm here, thinking the same things, and always happy to lend an ear if you need to get those thoughts out of your head but aren't sure how. 

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