Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Mother's Day For Non-Mothers (And Those Who Have Suffered Loss)

Now that the #HAWMC is over I've taken a whole four days off of blogging. It feels weird. It feels strange not to be blogging and posting and interacting with my new #HAWMC twitter friends daily (guys, I miss you!). Who would have thought that a month of talking constantly about chronic illness would be so uplifting?

But now, I need to talk about a topic that's a bit more depressing. Yes, more depressing than talking about depression. It's something I've discussed periodically, but it's incredibly timely at the moment.

Mother's Day is coming up this Sunday. Which is great, because I have THE BEST MOM IN THE WORLD. Yes, I just turned into a 7 year old for a moment. My mom is amazing. She's my rock, my mentor, my best friend. And really, I'd like to celebrate both of my parents every day for all they've done and been for me (honestly I try to as much as possible).

But Mother's Day also tugs at my heart, and the corner of my eyes where the tears well up, and my gut, and my brain and.. and... everywhere. I have explained before why I have chosen not to have children, although "chosen" isn't really a fair word, as doing so would put both myself and my child at great health risk. But technically, it's a choice - at least as far as I know. I've never attempted to concieve, but other than a slight scare last year of potential endometrial cancer, which was thankfully not, there's nothing to suggest that I biologically couldn't. Still, for all intents and purposes, I'm am childless due to health reasons. I have other friends in the same position. I have people close to me who physically are unable to have children, and others who have had miscarriages, who have lost, or are losing children to illness. I have friends who have lost mothers themselves, for whom this day will always be a heat break, even when they are mothers and grandmothers.

I'm all about celebrating our mothers, and yourselves, if you're in fact a mother. But just try to be mindful of those who are struggling with this as well. I completely get that people will randomly say "Happy Mother's Day" the way they say Merry Christmas without knowing if you actually celebrate. I understand that, and I'm not all about the "everyone must be so PC we can't say anything." But if you know someone personally, and they're struggling with having a baby or can't have children or have lost a mother, try to be understanding of this. For instance, things like "well, you're still young, you never know" or "hey, at least you can still go out on Friday nights" aren't super comforting, at least not for me. Because I pretty much got over partying every weekend about 10 plus years ago, and I'm 35 years old, from which age pregnancy is technically considered a "geriatric pregnancy" (yep, you read that right, in the eyes of medicine, 35 = geriatric). And for those who have lost mother's, things like "she's in a better place", I'm guessing, are equally as un-comforting on this particular day, unless you are very highly religious.

I am super lucky to have some amazing kids in my life - seven nieces and nephews, and my boyfriend's son, who I love as if he were my own. So I guess I should count my blessings. But still, on this day in particular, I'm so aware of both what I do have, and what I do not. Will I get over it? Some day, I hope. Will others in this same situation? Someday, for their sake, I hope. But please, give us time, as much time as we need. And if Mother's day, or any other day, is tough for us, simply understand that you can't understand, and let us hurt without criticism or platitudes. 

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