Losing a Sense of Self

 It's been MONTHS since I wrote.This is actually my first post in 2020 here. I've been writing over at my other website, maya-augelli.com (you should go check it out, there's yoga stuff and more :-).  2020 has been weird and honestly, I felt there were more important messages that needed to be heard than my personal feelings about life with my mood disorder. Not only that, but I'm going to be totally honest here - I felt better under the quarantine/stay at home orders than I have in YEARS! To be clear, I don't like the reason for it. I would never wish a global pandemic, people losing their life and falling seriously ill, people losing jobs and home. But for me, personally, I felt exceptionally well. I realize how incredibly privileged I am to say that, to be perfectly clear. This is in no way a "make the best of this" type of post, because I cannot speak from the point of view of those that went through so much this year (illness, caring for ill loved one, homeschooling, job loss, being an essential worker through this all, being in the hardest hit populations to name a few). I'm also an introvert who loves working from home and got to do so for three months this spring, so I have that advantage. Those months that I was home I felt more like me than I have in ages.  So, I didn't really feel that during those months, blogging about how great I was doing when so many were struggling in so many ways, was really the best or most helpful thing to do. 

The last few months, though, have been tricky. I don't mean COVID related, though I do have extreme anxiety watching the complete disregard people have for science and their fellow humans. I've been feeling super not myself lately. By not myself, I don't mean it the way people say "I'm not sick, I just don't really feel myself". I mean that there are times it's tough to recognize myself. And honestly, when I think about it, minus the months I felt exceptionally better during quarantine, this has been building for years. I think about the woman who, at 19, spent a semester studying in Australia, traveling all over Australia and New Zealand on my own, taking 24 hour bus rides by myself, meeting new people, making new friends. I went sky diving and bungee jumping (twice on the latter). Now, I struggle to meet people's eyes to say hello. I am afraid to try a new recipe because "of course I'll mess it up!". And equally as bad, I care that I mess it up. Not like 'that's a bummer" but in a way that I make it mean something about my worth as a human. I feel frozen in making decisions, to take any chances, even the tiniest chances. I think back to the woman who graduated college a semester early, went home and immediate interviewed for and got offered two jobs in my field. The woman who, at 25 years old, was my company's head of National Employee Health and Fitness Day programs for all of the GSK sites in the US (I worked for a Fitness company that contracted there to run their health and fitness center). I think about the woman who started Chimera Travel at 26 years old, got a storefront, made it my own, jumped into running my own business. I did this shortly after graduating with my Master's Degree and simultaneously taking a 2 year correspondence course in travel while working full time. I think about the woman who sat on the board of PAMPI (now MPI PHL) for six years, working my way up to a VP position - and I think about how at my last board retreat our facilitator, who I'd never met, came up to me and said "I hear that everything you touch turns to gold." How I jumped as the President of my ASTA chapter, and immediately was nominated as the Secretary of the National President's Council (literally, at my first meeting as a president). I jumped into every one of these things whole-heartedly, with everything I had, convinced I was going to make an impact. Now, I struggle to decide which produce to pick out at the grocery store because I second guess myself about the simplest things. Now, the fear of failure makes inertia so strong that I'll sit on the couch thinking "I know I should something" (work on my business, get outside, clean the house, a mini adventure, whatever), but it's like my brain enters a cavernous space where I can't even think of what that something is let alone do it. Now, instead of boldly stating "I've decided I'd like to do this" or "I'm going to go for that", I ask permission of 10 different people 10 different ways with phrases like "Well, I mean, I was thinking, maybe if it's OK and not too much trouble, but if not, that's really OK I understand. Do you think that's a good idea?" 

I don't love this version of myself. That's an understatement, to be honest. I hate not recognizing myself. I can see the person I was, in my head. I could even write her in a story most likely. But I can't make that person come to life in actual life. I miss the fun, smiling, woman who wasn't afraid to take chances. I miss the woman who knew what she wanted, and that that she was going to succeed, or who at least had the confidence that she would. I miss the woman who believed in herself, who others believed in so strongly. I miss the woman who could be her quirky, weird, unique but hopefully lovable self, and didn't later spend hours over-analyzing everything I did, anxious that everyone thought badly of me (badly isn't actually the word I'm looking for but I can't think of a better one).  

I also don't love the anger that comes along with this loss of self. It's not always there, not pervasive. But I've noticed it lurking lately. I'm probably going to write another post about anger, because most people dislike addressing it, but I think it's extremely important. Anger masks so many other emotions and feelings, and without digging into it, we just perpetuate the anger, which eventually turns into bitterness and resentment - a place nobody wants to be. For a while, I wasn't sure what I was angry at. And don't get me wrong, there are things "out there" (in the world) that I'm angry about. But recently, I've realized that I'm dealing with a lot of anger and frustration at myself. I'm angry at myself. To be clear, I'm not angry at myself for my illness - it was certainly not something I chose, and I feel I'm trying my hardest to navigate it. I don't entirely know what I'm angry at myself for. But when I break it down, because I know anger in and of itself never last long, it's always masking, I find so much else. Frustration with myself for feeling stuck, for the apathy, for not taking steps I want to. Frustration and a bit of hopelessness at not being able to feel my own worth, at my lack of self esteem and confidence. Even though I know they're the result of a lot, including my illness, I'm frustrated. A feeling of hopelessness that I'll stay stuck in this cycle of perpetually not feeling enough and therefore not going for things or being myself and that leading me to feeling bad about myself. I'm discovering A TON of shame and blame and guilt over decisions of the past, especially regarding my business and storefront and monetary choices. I discover fear and anxiety deeper than I even realized and hurt. I'm finding so much I thought that I processed but never did fully. I know that I need to do that work. As much as I dislike feeling angry, I think it's actually a spark. I think often of the saying (paraphrasing) "Don't worry when I fight with you, it means I still care. Worry when I stop, it means there's nothing left to fight for." It's meant to be about fighting with others, but in my case, I take it about my anger with, or my fight with, myself. If I stopped caring that I wasn't myself, that's when I'd be even more concerned. As long as it bothers me, as long as I'm still willing to fight to get myself back, it means there's hope. So I'm trying to not be angry at myself for feeling angry (we have such negative emotions and stigma around anger, so this is tough), and instead using it as a sign that I need to continue to fight, to work extra hard to figure this out. I think I'm ready to do the work. I think I have to be ready. I need to keep up this fight while it's in me, to keep myself out of the hopelessness and despair that is always a threat living with depression. 

It feels good to write this all out though. I think that's an important step - acknowledging where I am. It also feels really good to be back on this blog. I didn't realize how good until I started writing. This is one of the few places I feel I can nearly fully be myself. I don't have to worry about branding or hashtags or themes or business mission or anything else (and I get that, that's what business is). I can just share how I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing. That's what a personal blog about my life with my illnesses (and my life in general) is about. Thanks for reading my hodgepodge of thoughts. I'm hoping to update this blog more often. I hope you're all doing as well as can be with all that's going on in the world right now.