I know I promised to get back to writing on here, and in truth, I have drafted a few blogs but not yet gotten them published. The past few weeks have been a bit mentally and emotionally hectic. I've been wading through a few things that I haven't been able to share publicly, some of which I'm now able to.
Yesterday was my last day at the company where I've worked for the past 2.5 years. I'm super grateful for the opportunities I've had there - I have the chance to work in administrative capacities in both Borough management and L&I/Code departments, which is certainly something I hadn't done before, and I learned so much. I also feel incredibly fortunate that I've made it to Oct 2020 with a job - I know there are so many that have been dealing with job loss since the early spring.
Today is my first day of being unemployed and it feels ... weird. Not bad weird, but weird. Partly, it's a schedule thing. I'd been back in the office since June, so it's not even like I'm transitioning from WFH to ..... not WFH. And even during quarantine when I was working from home, I had set hours (because that's when the Borough was open) so I logged on and off at set times. Now, I have no schedule. And I'm sure I'll get into a rhythm, but for this first day, it feels strange. It's not a holiday or a long weekend. I'm not off for a Dr appointment or anything. I'm just not working.
It's funny, for years I ran my own company full time and for much of that time, worked from home or coworking facilities. Even when I had my storefront, I created my own schedule, so the feeling of not having to get up get ready and keep a set schedule shouldn't be all that unfamiliar to me. But for the past seven years or so, not only have I worked in an office, but I've worked in jobs with set shifts. When I worked at a conference center, my was driven by the events being held, and most recently at the Boroughs, it was based on Boroughs operating hours. So it feels unusual to not have to be at a set place at a specific time. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having autonomy over my schedule, which is one of the things I enjoyed so much about working for myself (and one of the many reasons I'm a huge advocate for companies offering flexible working arrangements where feasible). I'm just not used to it these days.
In addition, being at home (technically I'm actually writing this from my parents' house) on my personal computer, which hasn't gotten much use since I went back to the 9-5 type job, brings me back to the days of running my travel business, of working for myself. And there's an ache, both a nostalgia but also a longing, to make this a reality again. At the same time, the timing probably is not quite right, considering that we've been looking to buy a house (we're in a one bedroom condo right now), along with other factors. Plus, there's the fact that my primary industries in terms of doing my own thing are Travel and Wellness/Yoga/Health, and both of those industries are suffering big time right now. I'm not going to book anyone on international trips during a global pandemic (I wouldn't for ethical reasons, even if countries were letting us in). I'm not in a place where I personally feel comfortable (i.e. safe) teaching yoga and wellness class live, especially without masks, and I certainly won't be planning any in person programs or retreats any time soon. My zoom classes are going well, but I'm not at the point where I feel they'd be enough full time, in and of themselves (financially speaking). I'm feeling this pull of freedom, of autonomy, of entrepreneurship which I love so much, or my path, but I don't know that I'm in a place to follow it just yet, and not quite knowing where my next step will be. In addition, since my major industries are not thriving right now, knowing where to look for a job that might fit, or what type of job I would want to find, is tricky.
Still, I'm looking at this as a new beginning. It's a little tough because it wasn't a planned new beginning, and it's not a certain new beginning - i.e. it's not like when I left my job in Fitness to start my own travel company, where everything was a bit uncertain (and in hindsight I had little idea of what I was doing other than the actual planning of travel), but it was exhilarating, hopeful, and I had a firm direction that I was moving towards. With this, that's not the case. Still, I'm trying to stay open. I'm trying to approach this new place I'm in with curiosity and excitement at possibility. I think that it will work out. I simply don't know how it will work out, or if the next step is going to feel like it's the right path or the necessary one for the current situation, that I can later look back and realize had to be part of the journey all along. I'm sitting with a lot of feelings. I'm allowing them all. I'm laughing. I'm tearing up. I'm anxious. I'm smiling. I'm reveling in the ability to control my day and my time, and dealing with anxiety over uncertainty. I'm feeling them all, while trying not to hold too tightly to any of them. It's a practice of yoga in everyday life.
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