Lately I've been have been really missing my days of running Chimera Travel full time. In part, it's the actual travel aspect. I haven't traveled overseas since 2018 (!), first because of pandemic, then because of IVF, and I miss it. My "on this day in.. " reminders on various social media show that this time seven years ago I was in Kenya doing things like a seeing baby orphan elephant feeding at the Sheldrick Wildlife Trust and taking a sunrise hot air balloon ride over the Masai Mara. Nine years ago today, I was in Marrakech and surrounding area, enjoying the most delicious Moroccan food with a backdrop of the Atlas Mountains. I am sure that seeing photos from these trips day after day for a couple of weeks isn't helping my nostalgia. But it's not just the travel. It's running a business itself. It's having autonomy over everything from my schedule to the marketing and promotion of the company to the target audience to the core values of the company. It's getting to go to conferences and workshops to immerse myself in topic-specific education, both as an attendee and as a presenter. It's sitting on boards of directors where I met others in these industries, some of who became lifelong friends. And like the "on this day" photos, this is also being spurred on by reminders of those experiences. I've been spending a lot of time, either in person or conversation, with people who have this (extremely well-earned!) autonomy - my parents are now both retired and two of my four siblings run their own businesses. I also recently had coffee with a friend that I know from my entrepreneur/coworking days who also works in travel. We talked all about the travel industry, building our businesses, going to conferences and events, traveling to get immersion in different locations. During that conversation, I felt an energy, that type of hum you get when something is lighting you up, that I have't felt in a while.
And yet, I don't really want to go back to running my travel business full time anymore. Maybe if, in a perfect world, I knew I'd have plenty of clients and could make enough money to help pay the bills and support my household, and I knew I could grow the company to be exactly what I want, that might be the case. But I spent years trying to do that and it didn't exactly work out as I hoped. And also, I'm going through a sixth round of IVF. The hope, the whole point of that, is that this time next year we will have an infant. And that doesn't exactly mesh with traveling around the globe for conferences, African Safaris with hot air balloon rides. Which is completely ok because this is the stage of life I'm at - I would gladly put all that travel on hiatus to finally have our child.
Still, that low level hum of "something" has persisted in the background. I've sat with it, contemplated it, journaled through it, used the tools and skillsets I'm developing in the To Be Magnetic work I'm doing, and what I'm coming to realize that "something" is exactly what it is at this moment. It's the feeling that I'm on the precipice of a change, of life moving forward somehow, but without any details. It could be my IVF cycle - maybe this will finally be the one that work. It could be something related to work or travel or yoga. It could be a new connection or community activity. Or it could be something internal. I've been doing a lot of work, with all of the methods I've mentioned above, plus meditation, yoga, therapy. I've reconnected with and am exploring areas of life that interest and intrigue me, working to get back to my truly authentic self. Maybe the something is simply that (which is not at all simple really). Maybe it's the the movement back towards a me that feels authentic at this age and in this stage of my life.
Interestingly, I find that I'm ok with not fully knowing yet. Of course it feels great to have an "ah-ha" moment, where you realize exactly what your next step, plan, goal, action, etc is. What I've realized through the work I've been doing, though, is that I've constantly been on the chase - always looking for what's next. And partly, that's my innate personality. I'm not someone who's great with status quo, I get bored easily, and I literally was a professional planner for years, so I enjoy having some semblance of a known path forward. But that has also at times made me feel almost frantic in the pursuit. There's something freeing about releasing a bit of that control, and sitting back to see what happens. To be clear, this is not a "you're exactly where you're supposed to be" type of message. I don't think the universe/creator/source/God was sitting there saying "let's put her through the heartbreak of five failed rounds of IVF and then she'll be exactly where she needs to be." Sometimes, shitty things just happen, and there's nothing more you could have done to make them not happen. It is also not a "the universe will just make it happen, you don't have to do anything." Using the the IVF example again, I'm not going to have an immaculate conception. So far, the most in depth scientific/medical protocols have not managed to help me get pregnant. I'm certainly not going to just sit back and think "the universe will take care of this". I'm going to do every single thing my fertility care team tells me to do - all of the medications and shots and appointments and ultrasounds and everything else I can to give us the best chance. What I mean is that I'm not feeling the urge to frantically chase "the next thing". I can feel that something is coming. I am going to do the work in the areas of life that I'm committed to, towards the goals that I'm committed to. I'm also going to continue to do the internal work and to stay committed to getting back to my most authentic self. But I'm not going to force it. I've spent so much time in my life desperately trying to make something happen, almost for the sake of making something happen. I often felt like a dog chasing its tail, constantly pursing things that clearly weren't showing signs of happening - not because I needed to try harder, but because maybe all along they just weren't going to happen in the way I was trying to make them happen. And I think if I'd really stopped to listen to my intuition, to my intrinsic knowledge, my authentic self, I would have been able to see that. Or perhaps, if I'd approached it from this space, things would have turned out differently. Either way, the frantic chase approach was not one that worked in the end.
This time, I am allowing myself that space, that grace to listen to myself and the universe. I've been consistently more drawn to gentleness, slowing down, inward focus, finding quiet strength. There's a sense of ease in it - not in that it's easy, but in that it's not forced - and that feels beautiful, and like exactly what I need right now.
So I'll look at the travel photos with fondness and nostalgia. I'll surely eventually plan some new travel (like the trip we took to Maine last year that was a balm for my soul). I'll remember the he excitement of running my business, and I'll continue to help the travel clients I have, and to teach the yoga classes that I enjoy teaching. I'll use the reminder of autonomy, how freeing it felt, when I'm about to commit to something because I feel like I *should*,, or from a place of hustle/trying to hard, instead of because it feels intrinsically right, to determine if it's worth relinquishing more of that autonomy. I'll use all of these as guides. And then I'll step back and enjoy the feeling of "something", and I'll allow my curiosity to delight in wondering what it might be, without the pressure to make it be one in particular, or to make it be now.
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