Friday, April 20, 2012

Give It A Break

Today's been a little disjointed, to put it kindly. Actually, it's not the day that's been disjoined, it's me.  More specifically, my brain. It's one of those days that I must be cycling a lot. I can't particularly feel it, but I know the signs. I'm having trouble focusing on anything, my creative juices seem to be hiding and I just can't seem to get anything done. In addition, yesterday I completely "spaced" and forgot to write in my journal - the first day I've not written since I added it to my commitments list. Basically, I've just been a little off.

When I realized about the journalling, I first felt really bad about not writing. I was upset with myself for forgetting and wondered "should I write for 20 minutes instead of 10 today to make up for it?". Then I stepped back and re-examined it. It was only one day. I legitimately was busy with work and then personal/social things and plain out forgot. I didn't get lazy and say "eh I can skip one day"; it was purely an accident. I made sure to write first thing today (after my workout and meditation, to be specific) so that I didn't have a repeat of yesterday, but I decided I couldn't let myself be upset about it. This is actually a big step for me. My condition tends create a "black and white" type of mentality, and it's tough for me to see areas of gray - as in "it's not wrong or right, it's just what it is and I have to move forward from it".

Today, I'm having to practice similar self appreciation. I'm feeling very antsy and "all over the place". Perhaps it's just because it's Friday and I'm ready for the weekend. It's equally possible that I've been going through several hypomanic cycles during the day. In all honesty, it's probably a combination. Whatever the reason, this blog is one of the first things I feel accomplished doing all day, and it's almost 4:00 PM. Suffice it to say it's not been my most productive day. None-the-less, I'm trying to give myself a break. I could beat myself up about the fact that I haven't done all that much, but I suspect that would only make me more anxious and jittery. To clarify, I haven't had all that much to do. I'm not shirking responsibilities, I'm just not going out looking for more. I'm waiting on responses from several suppliers about travel for my clients, I've finished several important tasks this week that I'd set out to do and so overall, I feel it's been a pretty good week. So, I am choosing to, somewhat begrudgingly, take it easy on myself and not scolding myself for being a bit "out of it" today.

It's easy, especially in certain states of mind, to feel the need to be over-productive, over-busy, and frustrated when that doesn't happen. In fact, at least for me, this becomes a vicious cycle. The more I reprimand myself about it, the more anxious I become. I then have more trouble getting things done, and the cycle repeats. So I suggest that unless it's something absolutely urgent, it's ok to give it a break. Take some time to re-center your brain and give it some space. There is very little that truly can't wait, and sometimes, you just have to be ok with that. 

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