Thursday, November 14, 2013

Cool Girl

I'm writing this post from a pretty raw, emotional position. It's not something I usually do, because I realize that sometimes I don't make a ton of sense when I'm in such a state. But right now I'm not angry or pissed off or even hurt. I'm just sad and emotional because of a realization that I finally stated (ok wept) out loud to myself today. It's something that I've touched on before, but have done so in a humorous manner, when I'm feeling good about myself and enjoying my quirks and the like. Today, that is not particularly the case, and therefore the cold hard truth is exactly that. The realization is this: I will never be cool girl.

Cool girl is calm and collected. She's relaxed and things don't frazzle her. She's happy and positive but not overly so. Not excessively talking about anything she can think of because there's some internal feeling of urgency to get it all out, like I do in a hypomanic state. No, her thoughts and words are always interesting, fascinating. People hang on them.  Cool girl doesn't have to make notes and alarms about every tiny thing for fear she won't remember, and the worry of not remembering will eat away at her. Her world doesn't revolve around calendar alerts and sticky notes. And if it does, they're notes for important meetings at her important job. Not "make sure to pack your chapstick when you go to the gym because you know you get super frustrated when you're working out and your lips dry out."

Speaking of jobs, cool girl has an important, well-respected job. She's not trying start a non-profit to help kids with mental health conditions, because cool girl doesn't have a mental health condition, and that kind of stuff probably doesn't make a lot of money. And cool girl is too logical to hope for a career and life path that doesn't make a decent amount of money just because it's where her heart lies. So she has a position that people are proud to talk about. Something people don't say "oh that's interesting, good for you"  but don't really have an interest in.

Cool girl participates in all of those sports that it's cool for girls to do like surfing and snowboarding. Because cool girl doesn't have an irrational fear of drowning or death via crashing into a tree. She probably drives a cool car. Maybe she rides a motorcycle or does something equally as daring that everyone thinks is cool. She's in great shape and of course attractive. She can be one of the guys but is feminine enough to clearly be one of the girls too.

Cool girl has a lot of friends. Because cool girl isn't always having anxiety attacks or feeling depressed or lonely; she isn't always worried about this or that; she doesn't think these worries aloud, annoying people around her with her constant worry. Cool girl was born with tons of confidence and self-esteem. It draws everyone to her but she doesn't need it to because she's perfectly happy with who she is with or without them. But she'll never have to test that theory because she'll never be alone. Unless she wants to, in which case it will suddenly be cool somehow to be alone because it's her choice. Cool girl is never jealous or envious because her confidence prevents her being doing so. And because of this, she probably doesn't have much to be jealous or envious of anyways. Unlike uncool girl over here, who is envious of the fact that people can even have that kind of confidence and feeling of self-worth, because I seem to have been born without that particular trait and have never gained it no matter how hard I try.

I'm not saying cool girl's perfect. I realize that nobody's perfect and I wouldn't aspire to that because I do, even in my most emotional state, I think perfect would be incredibly boring, and I'd rather be uncool then boring. So cool girl might not be quite as smart as me, or as creative. Her heart might not be as big as mine. But she can hold her own in a conversation and her conversations are interesting enough. Because her conversations aren't fraught with worry or filled with her overly loud voice, or excessive talking to the point where even she's embarrassed of herself. They're not deep conversations pondering life questions. They're fun, happy conversations about things that other people actually like to talk about.

The realization that I never will, and never could, be cool girl made me sad. Not because I want per se to be cool. I've never been cool and never particularly cared. I have generally liked my quirks and thought they made me unique. And I thought that this made people want to be around me, because people aways say they like someone who's not like everyone else. But because in the end, I realize that most people want to be around cool girl. Even if they say they don't. Most people don't like weird. They don't understand drastically different perspectives on life. They want people who they are proud to associate with, and no body is proud to hear "oh you hang around with her? She's weird".

To be clear, this post isn't directed at, or about, anyone in particular.  It's not based on a particular incident, or situation. It's just a realization that I came to when really thinking about myself and who I am... and by virtue of that, who I am not.  I also not aiming to hurt anyone's feelings. If share similar traits to the ones I've described in myself, I'm certainly not calling you uncool. It's the combination of all of these traits in me, plus my condition and my general personality, that makes me such. I have also realized that, as sad as it makes me to know that I won't ever be this cool person, there's some relief too. I can stop trying. I can stop attempting to attain the unattainable. It might be for others. It is not for me. I am me - for better and for worse. I do have some traits that I'm very proud of. I don't want to come off all woah is me. They're just not traits others particularly jump up and down about. But I have to accept that, and stop trying to hope they will. There is some inner peace in that.

I'm sure some people are going to "yell" at me, disagree with me and say I'm generalizing about society, that they don't want to be cool girl or to be around cool girl and all of that. And maybe they don't. And maybe I am generalizing. But I'm speaking with my personal experience and perspective here. It's how I feel, and feelings, by virtue of the fact that they are every person's own emotions about life, can't be wrong. They can be different than others', but they can't be wrong. I'm also not writing this for anyone's sympathy. Trust me, even eternally uncool girl knows that's not cool. I'm writing it because it's how I feel, and because I suspect there are others out there who have felt the same way and perhaps it's nice for them to know they aren't alone.

Finally, I want to say that I do have people in my life that are amazing, and I do feel so lucky to have them. It's because of them that I can manage through a lifetime of uncool. I love them from the bottom of my heart.

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