Cool Girl

I'm writing this post from a pretty raw, emotional position. It's not something I usually do, because I realize that sometimes I don't make a ton of sense when I'm in such a state. But right now I'm not angry or pissed off or even hurt. I'm just sad and emotional because of a realization that I finally stated (ok wept) out loud to myself today. It's something that I've touched on before, but have done so in a humorous manner, when I'm feeling good about myself and enjoying my quirks and the like. Today, that is not particularly the case, and therefore the cold hard truth is exactly that. The realization is this: I will never be cool girl.

Cool girl is calm and collected. She's relaxed and things don't frazzle her. She's happy and positive but not overly so. Not excessively talking about anything she can think of because there's some internal feeling of urgency to get it all out, like I do in a hypomanic state. No, her thoughts and words are always interesting, fascinating. People hang on them.  Cool girl doesn't have to make notes and alarms about every tiny thing for fear she won't remember, and the worry of not remembering will eat away at her. Her world doesn't revolve around calendar alerts and sticky notes. And if it does, they're notes for important meetings at her important job. Not "make sure to pack your chapstick when you go to the gym because you know you get super frustrated when you're working out and your lips dry out."

Speaking of jobs, cool girl has an important, well-respected job. She's not trying start a non-profit to help kids with mental health conditions, because cool girl doesn't have a mental health condition, and that kind of stuff probably doesn't make a lot of money. And cool girl is too logical to hope for a career and life path that doesn't make a decent amount of money just because it's where her heart lies. So she has a position that people are proud to talk about. Something people don't say "oh that's interesting, good for you"  but don't really have an interest in.

Cool girl participates in all of those sports that it's cool for girls to do like surfing and snowboarding. Because cool girl doesn't have an irrational fear of drowning or death via crashing into a tree. She probably drives a cool car. Maybe she rides a motorcycle or does something equally as daring that everyone thinks is cool. She's in great shape and of course attractive. She can be one of the guys but is feminine enough to clearly be one of the girls too.

Cool girl has a lot of friends. Because cool girl isn't always having anxiety attacks or feeling depressed or lonely; she isn't always worried about this or that; she doesn't think these worries aloud, annoying people around her with her constant worry. Cool girl was born with tons of confidence and self-esteem. It draws everyone to her but she doesn't need it to because she's perfectly happy with who she is with or without them. But she'll never have to test that theory because she'll never be alone. Unless she wants to, in which case it will suddenly be cool somehow to be alone because it's her choice. Cool girl is never jealous or envious because her confidence prevents her being doing so. And because of this, she probably doesn't have much to be jealous or envious of anyways. Unlike uncool girl over here, who is envious of the fact that people can even have that kind of confidence and feeling of self-worth, because I seem to have been born without that particular trait and have never gained it no matter how hard I try.

I'm not saying cool girl's perfect. I realize that nobody's perfect and I wouldn't aspire to that because I do, even in my most emotional state, I think perfect would be incredibly boring, and I'd rather be uncool then boring. So cool girl might not be quite as smart as me, or as creative. Her heart might not be as big as mine. But she can hold her own in a conversation and her conversations are interesting enough. Because her conversations aren't fraught with worry or filled with her overly loud voice, or excessive talking to the point where even she's embarrassed of herself. They're not deep conversations pondering life questions. They're fun, happy conversations about things that other people actually like to talk about.

The realization that I never will, and never could, be cool girl made me sad. Not because I want per se to be cool. I've never been cool and never particularly cared. I have generally liked my quirks and thought they made me unique. And I thought that this made people want to be around me, because people aways say they like someone who's not like everyone else. But because in the end, I realize that most people want to be around cool girl. Even if they say they don't. Most people don't like weird. They don't understand drastically different perspectives on life. They want people who they are proud to associate with, and no body is proud to hear "oh you hang around with her? She's weird".

To be clear, this post isn't directed at, or about, anyone in particular.  It's not based on a particular incident, or situation. It's just a realization that I came to when really thinking about myself and who I am... and by virtue of that, who I am not.  I also not aiming to hurt anyone's feelings. If share similar traits to the ones I've described in myself, I'm certainly not calling you uncool. It's the combination of all of these traits in me, plus my condition and my general personality, that makes me such. I have also realized that, as sad as it makes me to know that I won't ever be this cool person, there's some relief too. I can stop trying. I can stop attempting to attain the unattainable. It might be for others. It is not for me. I am me - for better and for worse. I do have some traits that I'm very proud of. I don't want to come off all woah is me. They're just not traits others particularly jump up and down about. But I have to accept that, and stop trying to hope they will. There is some inner peace in that.

I'm sure some people are going to "yell" at me, disagree with me and say I'm generalizing about society, that they don't want to be cool girl or to be around cool girl and all of that. And maybe they don't. And maybe I am generalizing. But I'm speaking with my personal experience and perspective here. It's how I feel, and feelings, by virtue of the fact that they are every person's own emotions about life, can't be wrong. They can be different than others', but they can't be wrong. I'm also not writing this for anyone's sympathy. Trust me, even eternally uncool girl knows that's not cool. I'm writing it because it's how I feel, and because I suspect there are others out there who have felt the same way and perhaps it's nice for them to know they aren't alone.

Finally, I want to say that I do have people in my life that are amazing, and I do feel so lucky to have them. It's because of them that I can manage through a lifetime of uncool. I love them from the bottom of my heart.

"Just Decide To Be More Confident".... And Other Myths

A few months back, I wrote a post about how I'll never be cool girl.  If you read that post, you probably gathered that I may never be super-high-self-esteem-girl either. Self esteem, along with confidence, is an art form. Like artistic talent, or a good singing voice, or having a great memory it's something I feel that we're born with a predisposition to.... or not. It doesn't mean that you're stuck in that plot of confident or not, high self esteem or not, for life. But I don't think it's as easy as so many misconceptions make it sound. So for all of you who struggle with confidence and self esteem and are sick of people telling you to just try harder or be more grateful or "stop and smell the roses", this one's for you.

First off, let me address the "just decide to be confident" stuff.  It's a whole heaping pile of BS. I know the people who say this are trying to be helpful, and I can see the underlying truth of it, but after that it goes terribly wrong. Here's the thing: if I could just decide to be confident and have a high self esteem, I would! Do you honestly think I sit around thinking, "I wish I could just hate this and that about my personality; Gee if only I thought everyone was better and more worthy than me; It would be great if I couldn't see any of my talents or gifts; I'd love to miss opportunities for advancements and promotions because I don't have the confidence to go for them."?  Of course I don't. Now, I can decide to try things that could help to eventually raise my confidence. Like I could apply for that position even though I don't think I'll get because I don't feel qualified enough. Or I could try that hobby or activity that I have always wanted to do because learning something new usually makes me feel better, at least for a while. But I can't just wake up, click my fingers, and be confident. It's not because I'm lazy or have no ambition. It's because that's not how I'm made. It's like wanting to wake up one day having lost 20 pounds because you decided to. You might make baby steps, and wake up a pound lighter one week, two the next, etc. But if you do manage to wake up one day massively lighter - say from some sort of unhealthy cleanse or something - it's probably not going to last.

Next, there's the "you're using your condition as an excuse" thing. Well, I think you're using your heart condition or severe asthma as an excuse to not run a marathon. Yes... it's like that. Think of self esteem and confidence as the marathon of mental health. For many people, it takes hard work, long hours, ups and downs, failures and successes. Even after all of that, some may never run a marathon. Maybe they'll make it to a 10K, and that's totally ok. They made progress! I have a condition, which affects the hormones which regulate my moods, my happiness levels, and overall the way my brain works. I'm predisposed to have brain events that are confusing and frightening. Every day can be a struggle to feel "normal". If it's not obvious, this is not a confidence builder. When you can't have confidence in your brain functioning as you'd expect it to, it's tough to have confidence in yourself overall. One day I may become as confident as possible, given my predisposition not to be, but I may never have super high confidence and my condition is not a "crutch" for lacking it. And just because Mary Smith with a similar condition is more confident,  that means nothing other than perhaps a little hope that it's possible. People with heart conditions and asthma are each affected in different ways. Some may run marathons, others may never be able to. (Please note here, I'm certainly not picking on anyone with either of these conditions - I have neither, and have still never run a marathon!).

Trying to shame me into being more confident doesn't work either. I already feel bad enough about myself. Don't make me feel unconfident about being unconfident. Telling someone with confidence and self esteem issues that you really want to be around people who are more confident (or anything to this effect) only makes it worse. We know that "confidence is sexy", but there's such a thing as trying to hard and putting too much pressure on ourselves. The most likely way to feel bad about oneself is to constantly try to be someone you're not. So while it's great to do things to try to improve your self esteem, play-acting as a super confident person doesn't address the underlying issue, which may very well be a medical one.

If you've never dealt with low self esteem and confidence, you may not understand how serious and damaging they can be. If you were born with confidence and self esteem, I'm truly happy for you. If you weren't but worked very hard and have gained it, I'm even happier for you, and incredibly proud. If you're not there yet, you're not alone. Don't listen to people who make it seem like it should be easy or natural - it may be for them, but it isn't for you, and there many others out there who are feeling the same way. Keep plugging along, know that it's ok to have set backs, and most importantly, be you. 

9 Things I've Learned About My Mood Disorder

A mood cycling disorder is, by nature, a roller coaster. You never quite know how you're going to feel when you wake up... or eat lunch... or get ready for bed.  Because of the cyclical pattern, you can't be sure exactly what's going to affect you and how. Should I work out this morning, or is that going to completely mess me up? Can I have that second cup of coffee, or is that a terrible idea? Do I want to go out with friends, or should I really just be alone tonight? Life is, for the most part, a continual question mark.

I have, however, learned a few things about my condition and it's affect on me over the years that help make the day to day a little smoother. Nobody's perfect, and so despite these insights, I don't always take my own advice, but I have realized the that the closer I stick to these "rules", the better I feel.  I thought I'd share them for others who may perhaps be struggling with a mood cycling disorder or who feel they might be. I also thought that it might help our friends and loved ones, to perhaps explain a bit of why those of us that battle these conditions have the patterns and behaviors that we do.

1. I must get seven to eight hours of sleep per night. Any less, and I'm not only exhausted, but my moods are much more likely to cycle. Sleep is a huge contributor to mood instability in humans in general, but especially to those with mood cycling. Oddly, I find if I get much more than this (unless I'm really making up for lost time), the effect isn't great either, though better than a sufficient deficit.

2. I need routine. This doesn't mean I can't be spontaneous, but it means that my general patterns need to be relatively stable. It's ideal for me to go to bed and wake up around the same time every day. If I work out (which I try to), I try to keep it at a consistent time of day. Ideally, meals are around the same time. Because so many things can affect my cycling, the more consistency the better. Otherwise, things get thrown off balance, and off balance for someone with a mood disorder is never a positive. My brain is already all over the place. If my outside world is as well, my brain really has no stable point of reference.

3. Too much caffeine makes me hypomanic. Two to three caffeinated drinks is generally the max. It's slightly different if I'm getting water-downed refills of diet soda at a restaurant, but I can't do nonstop Venti coffees all day. Perhaps it's ok when I'm especially exhausted or in a depressive episode, but I generally avoid too much.

4. Anxiety/stress/fear makes me cycle badly. It's not so much of a "physical" fear /anxiety that affects me (ie I'm afraid of public speaking) but an emotional stress that gets me. For instance, if I get in a fight with someone I'm close to, feel like I've disappointed someone etc, I get beside myself, and I cycle, usually quite rapidly. I'm not sure why it speeds up the frequency of cycling, but it seems to.

5.  I need to eat healthy, and certain foods do affect my moods. Too much dairy, sweets, or fatty foods can help put me into a depressive cycle. I have no scientific evidence of this, and I didn't set out to prove any theories about it, it's just a pattern I've noticed for myself.

6.  I need time alone with my brain, heart, and soul. I love my friends, and I'm very social person, but there are times when being social seems like too much pressure. I need to reflect, relax, or even just zone out and do as little as possible. Perhaps engross myself in a good book so that my brain doesn't have to focus so hard on the stressors in my life. So please, don't be hurt if I turn down an invitation. Trust me, it'd be worse if I was there and started to cycle. I'm slowly learning my limits and when to say no.

7. I need to feed my creative and imaginative side, and I need to do so often. This is the part of my cyclothymic brain that actually thrives! It is when I truly feel most "at home" within myself. If I don't have this opportunity, I start feeling stuck, to the point where I feel I'm losing my sense of self. It feels like there's something welled up inside of me, sitting there, waiting to burst out. The more I feed it, the more relaxed I feel, and relaxation seems to lead to less cycling.

8. I need to be true to myself. Yes, I'm emotional and sensitive, and I get stressed out more easily, and wish I had more self confidence and could be that "cool girl" who is laid back and just goes with the flow. But I'm not. Well at least not all of the time.  I've accepted it.  I do not do well trying to be like others and fit in with their rules and ways. It stresses me out and I cycle.

9. I need to take every single dose of my meds, every day, at the right time. This is the most important of all. Yes, I can miss a dose and not immediately cycle. But meds build up in your system, and if you miss a dose this day, and that day, and next week, eventually, you have a lower amount of meds in your system than you should. My meds are a life-saver. Do I like pulling out a bunch of pill bottles in public like someone's great-grandma? No. But the alternative is much less desirable. 

The "C" Word

If you have yet to guess by the general theme of my blog, the "c word' I'm talking about is the ever popular "crazy".  It's one of those words that has become common place and in some contexts, completely harmless. For instance: "How was that party last night?" "Oh it was crazy, there must have been 100 people there. I had a blast." In this case, clearly the person is using the word to mean busy, fun, popular, etc. I'll fully admit, I've used it in this sense as well, and when others do, it doesn't bother me at all. In fact, this gives it a rather positive emphasis.

However, I also hear it all too often in reference someone who isn't acting the way others believe they should. Probably against social convention and certainly not in the way the person speaking would act, or at least not the way they perceive themselves acting. For instance, I recently heard someone describing an ex-girlfriend as such:  "oh you and Mary (made up name) broke up?" "Yeah man she was crazy! I couldn't handle it." And I'm making this more appropriate for blog purposes than it actually was. I believe there were some choice words in the reply that I'd rather not add.  Now, there are three possibilities that I can envision here.

 1.) The guy just didn't think the way Mary was acting was "appropriate" and because it wasn't to his standards of "normal" behavior, he called her crazy. This is probably most likely.

2.) Mary actually had a mental health condition that the guy knew about, and he's using it as a slam against her. This is also possible but doesn't make the guy's response any more likable in my eyes because he's making a massive generalization about mental health and furthering the stigma.

3.) Mary actually was committed to a psychiatric hospital for life and he didn't know how else to describe it or doesn't want to admit this about his former girl, so just uses the term that he thinks is agreeable with his friend. This is clearly the least likely solution, and still not particularly ok. It's still putting a really negative connotation on mental health in general, and not a very nice thing to say at all about someone if they really are that ill.

Do you see a pattern? In none of these situations is "crazy" really acceptable. Now, if he'd said "that girl was crazy cool and I just wasn't worthy so she broke up with me",  perhaps I'd be ok with it. Again, it's a positive emphasis instead of negative. But clearly, that's not what he's saying here. Now, to be clear, I'm not picking on men. I was just relating an actual conversation I  heard. I had to bite my tongue not to say something smart-assy. He probably would have just called me crazy anyways, so it wouldn't have done any good.

Here's the thing about "crazy." Research shows that between 20 and 25 percent of the American population has a mental health condition. If you count disorders recently added to the new DSM V, such as addictive disorders, that number jumps up to almost one-third of the population, according to studies. That means one in three people in the US has a mental health condition. By "Bob Smith's" (made up name) likely definition of crazy above, one third of all Americans are crazy. To me, that's either highly unlikely, or means that there is clearly something wrong with life as we live it in the US. Because under no circumstances should one third of your country's residents be "crazy".

Yes, those of us with a mental health condition may act differently than the "average" person (who is that person anyway?). Yes, we may have mood swings or be more anxious or over-react at times. We may get depressed. We may approach life from a different perspective than the general population tells us we should. This doesn't make us crazy. It makes us unique. It allows us to see things from a different angle. Our brains may work in a spectrum that others have trouble reaching. Sure, that angle, that spectrum, might be more emotional at times. But does being more emotional or more anxious really hurt anybody? Is it crazy? In the past, I spent a lot of time around people in very "logical" fields of work, who seem to be so logical that they couldn't express emotion even in situations where it was warranted - like in their relationships and with their families. Yet nobody calls that crazy. Why is one "extreme" crazy and the other not?

So please, don't call me crazy. Or delusional. Or any other crazy-like term. Just because I don't think of things the way you do, it doesn't mean there's something "wrong' with me. Because, quite simply, there are no rules on how to think. Good and bad, right and wrong, they're judgements. They're opinions. They may be widely held opinions and judgements, but they still aren't facts. And if you think that society's opinion is an appropriate marker of judgement, just remember...  this is the same society whose most popular halloween costume a couple of years ago was that of Snooki. I may be off base here, but I'm not entirely sure our population has a great grasp on "normal".  

In Defense of Valentine's Day

The irony has not escaped me that my last post was on wrath, and this post is on love. As we almost all undoubtedly know, because the media and consumerism in general would never let us forget, this coming Saturday is Valentine's Day. I've been thinking about love a lot lately, and it therefore felt like I should do a post about this that seems so ironically hated when it's supposed to represent love. One thing we all can agree on, I think, is that like St. Patrick's Day, we've come (or perhaps fallen) a long way from the initial intention of St. Valentines Day - a day of commemoration for a man, later named a saint, who was beheaded on February 14 hundreds of years ago. Although in fairness, he was beheaded for secretly marrying couples when marriage and engagements had been outlawed, whereas St. Patrick, to the best of my knowledge, didn't go around wearing beads and drinking green beer, so at least we've kept something of the point of St. Valentine's Day.

When I was growing up, it was sweet to pass out Valentines, and exciting to receive one. It was consider romantic to ask a girl for a Valentine's day date or buy her flowers. And it wasn't just for lovers. Friends got each other valentines, cards, and gifts. My parents got me Valentine's gifts until I was probably, oh, married and had someone else responsible for getting them for me (more on this in a minute). 

These days, it's notoriously called a Hallmark holiday, and people actually make a point of refusing to celebrate it. They also seem to make a point of telling loudly everyone that will listen how they refuse to celebrate it because they know the person they're with loves them and don't need a special day to celebrate it. Or, if they're single, that they think it's stupid. (Hint: those of us who are intuitive enough don't buy it. We know the more loudly you go yelling about some belief, the less secure you are about it and you're really trying to convince yourself, not others). It's not cool to wish you had a Valentine. It's not cool to want to do something special for it. For a while, I admit, I was one of these people. My ex-husband proposed on Valentine's day. I was actually mad at him. Well, annoyed is perhaps is a better word.  I'd had one specific instruction for our imminent engagement: DO NOT PROPOSE ON VALENTINE'S DAY. I thought it was a sellout, cheesy. I thought he should be more creative (I was vastly over-estimating my ex here). 

You'd think, following my divorce to said ex-husband, that I'd now dislike Valentine's Day even more. But that's not the case. Nor do I like it because of any nostalgic ties to my ex. But I do have a different perspective these days. Quite simply, I love love. I think it's everything, and the rest is just frosting. I think any excuse to tell someone you love them. I feel the same way about birthdays, Christmas, and any other occasion that offers a built in opportunity to treat someone extra special. Of course, as someone who loves love, I don't think we should ignore people 364 days and then be Captain Romance on February 14th. And yes, I know it's a "hallmark holiday" and consumerism surrounding this day has gotten out of control. But you don't need to buy expensive jewelry or go to a fancy dinner to show someone you love them. If your "thing" with your significant other, or your friends, or your family, or your dog, is to sit in your PJs, play board games, and eat ice cream, then why not carve out time on this day to do it. Yes, we should always tell our loved ones how much we appreciate and value and love them. So why not use EVERY excuse to do this? Valentine's Day is one of those opportunities. Let's face it, Christmas has gotten commercialized too, but would you tell your kids "sorry, I don't give in to consumerism, no Christmas this year!"? I would venture not. 

I'm not saying everyone must run out and make plans for Valentine's Day. If it truly is a day you and your significant other dislike, then by all means, don't celebrate (I'd check with your significant other before making this decision for the both of you). But don't hate on the people who like it. I get sick of the posturing. I'm a strong woman, and a not particularly girly one - recent Facebook tests tell me "I think 100% like a man, and the "what type of woman are you" quiz told me I'm a tomboy - but I like to give love and feel loved. And to me, that means taking every opportunity and excuse to express it. It's the same reason I think it's cute when I see people update their status to "in a relationship with so-and-so." I'm the type that wants to shout their love from the rooftops. So if you don't want to celebrate it, don't. But don't hate on us who do, like you're better, or stronger, or more loved, for not needing or wanting it.

Closing the Curtain on 2015

2015 was one of the most volatile years of my life, and with me, that's a difficult feat to pull off.  I realize volatile has a negative connotation, and yet I don't entirely mean it that way. Not entirely. There were a multitude of moments over the past 364 days that encouraged me to throw my hands up in the air and say F$%^ this S^&*, and there were times when that's exactly what I did, at least momentarily.

This past year, I lost my dog Cinn, my best friend and companion of 10 years, to a mystery illness that took her life rather suddenly but as peacefully as possible. Heartbroken doesn't come close to describing how I felt, and still feel, over the passing of my precious baby girl.  My personal and living situation changed drastically, which is as much as needs to be said on that topic, since those who need to know the actual details know them.  One of my closest friends died unexpectedly of a heart attack at the age of 38. So if you asked me a couple of months ago how I'd summarize 2015, I probably would have said simply said "good riddance" and walked away. Because while I don't want to dwell on the difficult times, I certainly don't want to relive them.

     

                                          


But about two months ago, life started to shift for me. First and foremost was the conscious change I made in my overall view of life and of myself. Now let me clarify a crucial point: my mood cycling is an illness, NOT a product of a bad attitude. Nor is anyone else's mental health condition a product of theirs. So for those who think "hey, all she needed to do was look at the glass half full", well.... I'd cover your ass if you don't want my foot up it. I still cycle. Plenty. Maybe not as I have in the worst of times, but I do. The difference is that I've started valuing myself a great deal more, and in doing so am taking better care of myself emotionally, mentally, and physically. I'm going to bed earlier; I'm working out more often; I'm trying to eat healthier, albeit not as healthy as I would if it weren't holiday season; I'm doing yoga and meditation consistently (or more consistently). This doesn't by any means prevent cycling fully, but it helps to not encourage my brain to cycle even further. As my brain has cleared a bit, I've been able to see the beauty in my quirks, my differences, and I've begun to love that part of myself more. I've never hoped to be normal or cool (quite frankly those I'd be bored to tears), but there have been times in the past  where I've been persuaded into thinking that those traits that make me unique should be quelled and hidden away. I am no longer allowing that to happen, and as such am, for the first time in ages, comfortable and confident with who I am as a person, faults and all.

Coincidentally, or not, as I've stopped worrying so profusely that my condition is a liability to me and those close to me, my life has taken some positive turns. First, I adopted a new dog, a two year old long-haired brindle mutt named Grace. I thought I'd need just about forever after losing my Cinn, but I realized that she wouldn't want that. She'd want me to give another homeless dog a loving and caring forever home, and when I saw Grace's picture and read her story, I knew she was for me. Not to mention the fact that I happened to learn of a dog named Grace in need of a help on the weekend that the Pope was visiting my city. If I believed in signs, that's as sure of one as I've ever seen. Secondly, we know by now that I don't talk about relationships on here, particularly not current ones, but let's just say that are of my life is one of those positively shifting situations. I feel so incredibly lucky in this particular turn of events. Relationships have historically been quite... um... rough for me. For possibly the first time, I'm not trying to change myself for somebody else. If you've ever attempted to change greatly for someone, you know it's a recipe for disaster in so many ways, and it's incredibly refreshing to just be me. (Clarification here: this is not to blame anyone from my past, it's that I'm glad that I have the confidence to not feel the need to be anyone but myself). Moving along, I'm under contract to buy a condo in the city. After 8 years of renting, I decided to finally take the plunge back into home ownership. I haven't said much on this as there are still some things to iron out, but I'm crossing my fingers that if everything goes well, I'll be closing at the end of February.

So my summary of 2015: It took me on quite a ride both literally (I traveled to Morocco, Portugal, and Mexico this year), and figuratively. I would not want to relive the downs, most notably because of how painful they were to others involved, and because they included the passing of loved ones - who'd want to relive that? And I can't even say that the ups balanced the downs, because as amazing as the positives are, that feels like putting a price on someone or something's life which, needless to say, I could never do. What I can say is that I am excited to ring in 2016, and I look forward to the possibilities that it holds. I am sure that, like every other year, it will includes ups and downs - that's my condition, and quite simply, that's life. I certainly hope the downs of the upcoming year aren't as severe as those of the outgoing year. For my part, the best I can do is continue to value and take care of myself and those who love and support me, and to use continue to work to help others, paying it back or paying it forward, as so many have done for me over the years when I needed it most.

Happy New Year, all! See you in 2016!