Monday, November 14, 2016
Case of the Mondays
I feel like this is kind of a trick question for mood cyclers. Because naturally, the answer is depression. The definition of the condition is pretty much that it makes you feel all of these things, just on a much, much larger scale. And quite frankly, I'm never really ready for it. But that would be kind of a cop out, and the shortest post ever. So I'll make my answer a little more robust.
What gets me really burns me out is the wide gap because my goals and dreams, and feeling unable to get there because of depression and anxiety. For someone who battles these, I'm a dreamer. I get all of these ideas about how I want to shape my career, my life, my advocacy work. I create plans (albeit not always full, in depth business plan type of plans, but still plans). I brain storm and make lists, actions items. I recently bought a Freedom Journal to help me move towards my dreams step by step - to make it feel more manageable. And I was super gung ho on it, doing really well. Until I had a couple of bad days. Then, I not only fell off the wagon, but I landed in a different county.
Because my depression and anxiety seriously f-'s up my confidence and self esteem, one small snag in the plan totally destroys it, and me. If I try to take the steps I have outlined and get no traction, I go into full "I can't ever do this" mode, time and again. Part of it, I think, is that I'm honest with myself in knowing my weaknesses, and when I'm faced with a task that involves these, one disappointment is enough to derail me. Like I'll create a fundraising event, or I'll reach out about an idea that I want to move forward, and I ask my friends to participate. And I get one or two half-hearted maybes. The rest either "like" it and never take action, or don't even acknowledge it (friends "liking" and moving right along, by the way - HUGE pet peeve. That could be a whole 'what burns you out' post in and of itself). This happens, and I give up.
If I'm honest, though, I think it stems from a bigger issue, that gets me down even more. That issue is figuring out exactly what the hell I want to do with my life. I have a general gist, but my brain likes to tell me I can't do that, or it won't work out, or for some reason it's not acceptable/feasible/etc. So I try to move towards ideas that touch on that concept, but seem more acceptable/feasible/etc. But my heart isn't fully in them. Or maybe it could be eventually, but right now, it's not my passion. And I'm a person that needs to be 150% all in or out. I don't do well with doing things that aren't my passion (not counting "life things" like chores and grocery shopping, though I'm not good at those either). So I guess, what's really getting me down is not knowing exactly what I want to do with my life, and feeling alone in both that decision and in making it happen when I do decide. I am an introvert that likes my alone time, and I definitely like to do things my way (i.e. Maya and being told what to do/being controlled by other circumstances or people don't mix well), but I also don't love doing it all on my own. I know the pieces that are toughest for me, and I would like help with those. Or just someone to have my back, to help when I'm burnt out or my conditions make me not unable to move or whatever it is. Or another brain to give ideas when I get stuck and unmotivated. Not just to tell me what to do or give me tips (or cliches, god no cliches), but to actually participate. Just knowing I don't have to do it ALL alone would be so helpful.
And so I've rambled. But we all know not to tell someone with thought patterns that look like a bowl of spaghetti to purge if you mind them rambling. I do feel a little better putting it out there, though. So thank you for listening. Until tomorrow, HAWMCers.